If you’re living life as wife #2, I promise that the comparisons will go away (since they’re probably in your mind anyway) and you can find your own happily ever after.
I have only 7 more days until I am officially a decade into my marriage. That’s right. I met and married the man of my dreams 10 years ago. It’s a beautiful story: how we met, our first date, our second date, our wedding six months later. It actually is a very romantic story and I love to tell it.
But romance aside, our story hasn’t always been puppies and kittens. In fact, I almost said no to our first date. Here’s why.
I met my husband at work. I went to a group lunch on his first day of work and kept wondering what it was about this guy. He was wearing a bright yellow sweater and had a mop of curly hair. Totally not my type. Yet I was captivated by him. We got to know each other as work friends over the next few months and then he decided to quit. That was make or break.
He later revealed to me that my reaction to him telling me he was quitting dictated his next move. If I had said, “Oh really? Well, good luck to you,” that would have been the end of that. But when I showed a look of shock and surprise and “no! you can’t quit!”, I think he realized he was safe to proceed.
We were chatting it up in the hallway and he asked me out on a date. At some point during our conversation, he mentioned his wife (or was it ex-wife?). He told me that he was legally separated and was divorced in every way except the final papers. That felt kind of weird. I had never dated a married or divorced man. I had a bunch of questions pepper through my mind.
Was it okay to date a man that is legally separated since technically he is still married?
It wasn’t like he was working on his marriage. They had been separated for over a year. He clearly did not want to be married to her. So I said yes and we went on our magical first date. But my questions weren’t over. They were just beginning. If you give me an inch, I take a mile.
Why were they separated?
Was he a bad guy? Is that why?
Did they have any kids together?
Was he paying her alimony?
Why wasn’t he divorced yet?
I have to admit that the kids thing would have been a dealbreaker for me. I had never been married. I was still looking for the love of my life. And when I found him, I didn’t want to share him with a woman he would inevitably have a relationship with for the rest of his life.
Some things we got out on the table right away. No kids. No alimony. Once the papers were signed, he was over and done and could walk away with no strings attached. But then my insecurities creeped in.
Was she really his first love?
Would he always long for her?
What did she look like?
How do I compare? Am I as pretty/skinny/funny?
Again, I got plenty of reassurances about how his marriage was and how it ended. It all seemed fair and reasonable to me. Sometimes, marriages don’t work. It’s better to find that out before you have kids. He even fully eliminated every single photo he had of her. Yes. Every. Single. Photo.
I never had to be reminded of the life he once had. But to this day, I have never seen what she looks like. I have to take his word for it when he tells me how much more beautiful I am.
So I snagged this man and married him.
I moved into the house he had shared with her. It was empty. She took all the “stuff” because he really didn’t care about any of it. We made it our own home…slowly. But it was never my home.
We lived there for three years and then built our own house and moved. We bought new furniture. It was truly our house. But we had only been married for 3 years. He had been officially married to her for 4 1/2 years. Mentally, I needed to get past that mark. I needed to feel like I wasn’t “the second marriage.” I needed to feel like the only marriage.
The 4 1/2 year marriage mark came and went and I barely even noticed. I was happier when we made it 5 years in. A milestone. There were ups and downs but we knew we were meant for each other.
In 2006, I announced to my husband that I was pregnant. Once he got over his skepticism of me knowing how to read a pregnancy test, we knew that life would never be the same. And for me, we were able to share something he had never shared with anyone else. We were parents together and that was a bond we would share for the rest of our lives.
Nowadays, I occasionally get mail with her name on it. I have no idea how. They’ve been divorced for 10 years. We’ve been married for 10 years. This is my house. We have lived here for 7 years. She has never lived here. Years ago, it might have made me upset. Now? It simply goes into the recycling pile.
So instead of Wife #2, I like to think I’m Wife 2.0. The new and improved version. As for me? I’m happy with Husband 1.0. And I’m not planning any upgrades anytime soon.
26 comments
This is SO true! My husband and I are each other’s second spouse. We call the firsts our ‘practice marriages’ or our ‘practice husband/wife’ so we were sure to do this one right. It is the shameful little secret though…I am mentally waiting for the day when ‘WE’ have been married longer than ‘THEY’ were. Nice job!
You know what? A practice marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. Many people marry too young or for the wrong reasons. At least you both learned from your mistakes and you know what to do RIGHT. Sounds like you are on the right track 🙂
I am SO glad to read this!
I haven’t been married or had kids, so I have had a hard time at moments with the fact that the man I intend to marry has. I sometimes feel like I’m not as special, etc. but I know that is my issue. I’ve worked hard to move past that bc I knew we couldn’t have a future if I was all caught up in his past. What WE have is unique to us.
What a great attitude you have and it gives me hope!!
I think it’s fair to have some misgivings. It’s easy to paint a picture in your mind of how things may have been for him before he met you. And I think it’s okay to ask (sometimes) for the extra reassurance that YOU are his one and only. But your marriage will be your marriage filled with your own memories and happiness. And now he’s all yours!
Hmmm. I have a different take because I’m my Hub’s 1st wife, but he is my 2nd husband. Also? He has a daughter with his previous girlfriend.
I had a lot of the same questions…because when you have a child with someone, you’ll probably have to deal with that person. & it sucks that she has to remain in his life because of his daughter. I’ve had many of the insecurities you listed & I’ve actually had to meet & interact with this woman. And she is skinnier than me…but I out IQ her, so it’s ok. I can always diet.
Sometimes marriages just don’t work. My ex-husband is a good man, but he isn’t the man for me. We are still friends. Really, he’s like a brother to me….that’s always how he’s been to me. Which is not a good quality in a husband. We are now both remarried & his new wife is my Life Coach. I have weird relationships. It’s always been that way. LoL
From what I know, the “first” one was a fitness freak so I already know that my love handles are uniquely mine. But I definitely fit into the out-IQ category. And it’s one of the things my husband loves best.
I think if you can find a way to all be friends and make things work, why not? It’s better to be harmonious than live with grudges. Now the life coach part is a little weird 😉
I believe that everything happens for a reason.. and all those past relationships/marriages/struggles help build you to handle the relationship that you were meant to be in… and if you hadn’t had to deal with the past issues.. you may not be able to handle the present of future ones with the person of your dreams. 🙂
God Bless
<3
otm
Sarah – I could not have said that better myself.
My husband and I both felt that everything that happened in our lives brought us to the point where we met and realized we were missing from each other’s lives. Had we not had struggles in our past, we may have looked right past each other.
I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for almost 5 years. In the beginning I wanted to know the who, the why, the how and made all the comparisons. There was only one picture of her remaining in his things and his son was in it. That was why he kept it. His ex-wife is not the mother of his son. The mother of his son is an old girlfriend from High School. Are you still with me? It’s a lot to take in.
I don’t remember how long they were married. It wasn’t that long and I think we dated for longer than their entire relationship before we got married. There is still baggage from that marriage in the form of old debt. She had a thing about spending loads of money on credit cards. We are finally seeing the end of that tunnel. She did contact him on Facebook a while back. It annoyed me. We have been together so long though that it didn’t bother me for long.
With all this rambling I guess I should sum up to say: Every person comes with some form of prior relationship baggage (for the most part). Some people date a person for years and years but never marry. It is rare to be a “first” anything for someone as you get older. It was hard for me to realize that in the beginning, but I got there eventually.
Wow, you do have a lot of baggage to deal with. And good for you for being so accepting. As for the Facebook contact? I’ll have to save that for another post altogether.
But your point is spot on. We do all have baggage. I dated a guy off and on for 7 years and we lived together for 4 years. It is NOT the same as marriage but it gave me the perspective that marriage and living together is special and something I wanted to do only when the time was right.
I LOVE wife 2.0 – the far superior version!
Well, looking the mirror, I might need some minor improvements after 10 years. I might start working on version 2.1 🙂
I really enjoyed hearing how you and Sean got together and loved seeing your wedding photograph. Nice post, thanks. 🙂
Full story coming up next week on my “other” blog 🙂
Oh, I totally hear what you’re saying about the milestones! This is a second marriage for both of us, so we had lots of those – married longer than he was, then married longer than I was, then together longer, etc.
Of course, with kids everything is different. Not only do I know what my husband’s ex-wife looks like, but I’ve spent lots of time with her, as my husband has spent lots of time with my ex-husband. We see each other at all the band concerts and soccer games. We coordinate drop-offs and birthday parties and all the rest. It took us a long time to learn to negotiate all of that successfully, but now it’s all smooth.
Our 10th anniversary is on August 5, so happy anniversary to both of us!
Hate to say this but you make me especially glad to not have the kids and ex-wife thing going on. But life deals you a hand and it’s up to you to play it to the best of your ability. Happy Anniversary! 10 years IS quite a milestone!
Love it! Especially the last part – “wife 2.0, new & improved” 🙂 After 5 years married and 8 years together, I’m finally over the whole being the second wife thing. And I’ve met her!
Oh, and I’ve been raising her kids for the past 6-1/2 years!! That part has even gotten easier too because she’s hardly in their lives.
I refused to live in “their” house, so we bought one together and yes, sometimes we get mail with her name on it and she’s never lived here!
Is your husband really, really tall? Or are you really, really short? 😉 (or is he on the step?)
I love this whole cult of second wives. We’ve got a lot in common.
I am short (5’3″), he is tall (6’2″) and he IS standing on a step 🙂
My situation is a little different, and a lot more volatile. There’s not much I can say since whatever I write on the internet seems to be found at some point.
I can say this. I have a 14 year old stepdaughter who is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Seriously. She is one of my most favorite people in the world.
I wasn’t looking to be a stepmom. Hell, I wasn’t even looking to be someone’s second wife. But I am, and I’m ridiculously happy.
So every time his ex signs an email “Wife #1,” I’ll continue to bask in my status as “Wife #2,” because it’s a synonym for “his last wife.”
I love that…”ridiculously happy.” That sounds like more happiness than anyone could hope for. Sorry it comes at a cost but it sounds like you take the good with the bad quite well.
I’m Wife 2.0. It kind of helps that my husband’s first wife left him for another woman and that he had to ask the woman he dated prior to me if it would be okay if he gave his sperm to Wife #1 since she didn’t want a husband but now she wanted kids. Girlfriend said no. I would have driven to Wife #1’s house and beaten her senseless. By the time I came along, Wife #1 had found the necessary prerequisite for procreation someplace else (that looked disturbingly like my blond husband) and she sent a lovely email telling him of the birth of her first child a week before we got married.
I swore I would never married someone who was divorced with baggage, but this was the easiest possible way. It also shut down all my SIL’s chances of whining about my predecessor being “the one that got away.” She’s still bitter.
You two make a lovely couple and I’m SURE you are 10x’s better than that old wife.
Okay. I had to read your comments several times over before I really got it. So you had baggage and probably even some insecurities (his not yours). At least we marry our men and NOT necessarily their families.
Funny, I’m a 2nd wife too, but we’ve been married over 5 years and his first marriage last 6 months. (She cheated on him & left him. Real winner.) No kids there either, thank God. But same as you, I moved into the house that THEY bought together, and no matter how much we remodeled it, it never felt like mine. It wasn’t a house I would’ve picked in a million years. We’re in OUR house now, with OUR daughter. There’s nothing left of the ex around anywhere.
I often forget that he was married before too, except that his ex-in-laws sometimes pop up on Facebook to say hi. That’s kinda weird.
So we sound like our situation is very much alike. Luckily, his ex in-laws aren’t around. They always thought he was “Mr. Big Shot” anyway because he went to college and actually owned a home. I mean, their daughter really should have aimed lower 😉
I’m a Wife 2.0, too. Definitely the new and improved version — I’m also younger than she is, so that doesn’t hurt. Plus she lives in another state, there’s no reason for contact, so it’s as if it never happened. I wonder about how we’ll ever share that story with our kids because it seems so irrelevant now, yet it’s part of how we got to where we are.
Like you, it startled me at first to know there was an ex-wife and their divorce was still fresh when we met (and married just a year later) — but when you know, you know. I figure I’m lucky that she kept him occupied long enough for me to be ready to find him when the time was right. I figure “current and final” is better than “first” any day.
What a great post, Fadra! I love the wife 2.0 thing and how you’ve let go of all those nagging questions in the beginning. I mean, you’ve nearly made it to 10 years so BOO-YAH to that! (Seriously, congrats– we’re hitting our 10 year in September and wow does it feel awesome)