Stream of Consciousness Sunday: I’ll never be a princess

This one is kind of weird today. I think it’s weird because I’m admitting things that I’ve never really admitted to anyone but my sister. It’s one of the few times I’ve ever stopped for a minute and said to myself, “Wow, this feels really personal. I wonder what people will think.”

It’s weird because I can talk all day long about suffering from insomnia and depression and not once feel embarrassed about it. But admitting I wanted to be a beauty queen just seems silly. It was, however, exactly what needed dumping from my brain today.

***

Ever since I woke up Friday morning at 7am and compulsively turned on the TV to see what might be happening with the royal wedding, I’ve felt that familiar feeling. It’s a weird feeling that I’ll try to explain and you’ll probably think I’m weird. WHich I am so I guess it’s okay.

I have a hard time watching big events sometimes. I’m torn between two emotions. I’m thrilled to be seeing something so thrilling. But the other half of me is always in comparison mode. I’m always looking at the way someone else is living their life and wondering if I will ever measure up to the excitement, glamor, satisfaction, honor, or whatever it is at the moment.

Let me explain.

So waaaaaay back in 1984 when most of you weren’t even a twinkling in your mama’s eye, I was watching the Winter Olympics. I was watching Cindy Armstrong race downhill for a women’s gold medal in skiing. And at that moment, I wanted to be her. I wanted to devote my life to downhill skiing. I cut out articles and made a little shrine to her in my closet. And then my dreams faded as I realized I lived in Southern Maryland with no mountains of snow nearby. And I wasn’t every good at skiing and didn’t really like it all that much.

I also wanted to be Miss Universe. Let me be clear. Not Miss America. That’s totally different. That pageant required talent. i wanted to be in the international competition and win that extra large beautiful rhinestone crown. I became obsessed with beauty pageant and created a whole beauty pageant scrapbook. I also came to the realization that I wasn’t really beauty queen material. I was drawn to watch the pageants but couldn’t because it caused me a little heart break.

Movies? Hard for me to watch sometimes. I’ll never be the powerful spy who can butt kick anyone in her path or the dashing archaeologist finding the holy grail. I’ll never even be the actress up on stage thanking the Academy for this great honor. It was my dream to be an actress and sometimes watching the awards shows is a reminder of what I didn’t become.

As for the royal wedding, did I ever really have fantasies of becoming a princess? Not a British one. QUeen Elizabeth’s sons were too old (or ugly) and Princess DIana’s sons were way too young. Plus, the fact that I don’t have royalty in my blood, you know. I guess watching the wedding reminds me of one more fantasy that someone else is living.

***

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Now…

1. Grab the button

(it’s now over in the sidebar)

2. Write your post.

3. Link up here.

  • http://stayathomebabe.com Stay At Home Babe

    This post was really brave. I like brave. Admitting the pang of jealousy and disappointment at others achieving the things that are personally unachievable takes heuvos grandes, chica.

    • Anonymous

      What can I say… except I think you just told me I have big eggs.

  • Julie @ Dutchbeingme

    I totally get what you are saying. Everytime I see something great I dream that I can do that too. I think it’s great that you shared… and will find ~ I’m guessing ~ so many of us do the exact same thing. Or maybe it’s just you and me. In that case, we may want to have ourselves committed to the psych ward or something.

    • Anonymous

      I think we’re crazy in our own sane sort of way. I just usually keep my crazy to myself. Now that I know there are so many of us out there, we can share the crazy :)

  • Anonymous

    I spend too much time doing this…shoulda, coulda, woulda. I actually watched the Royal Wedding from about 4:30 on…and had the same thoughts about that life. And part of me was sad and wondered if I could do something so my children could have that life. It doesn’t even make sense…

    And hey, I wanted to be an actress too! I took classes but never went any further than that. Actually I lie. I went to one audition for The Mickey Mouse Club, didn’t make it past the first round and that was that. I really thought Disney or someone else was going to come looking for me. Could I act? Sure. Did I have actually talent? Probably not .

    • Anonymous

      Okay. We have said before that we should be BFFs. I can act. The rest of the stuff? No. Don’t ask me to sing (because I will but you will totally regret it) and don’t ask me to dance. Period. I once took a dance class and thought I looked pretty good until the instructor videotaped us and I then I realized I have the feet of Frankenstein.

  • http://rachel-oddsandends.blogspot.com/ Rachel

    Since we are confessing. I did enter one pageant. There were 4 people and I came in 4th. That was the moment I realized that I could never be a beauty queen! I feel you pain :)

    • Anonymous

      Oh Rachel. I love you. You made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that :)

  • alisha

    can i say i know EXACTLY how you feel without sounding weird myself? but really…i know. i know that feeling. i am pretty sure i could never put it into words the way you just did, but i relate so very much.

    that’s the struggle for us, those that feel destined for “more”, to find the excitement in our daily lives?

    love it, love you. and sorry for cussing so much in my soc, but it was just one of those things ;).

    • Anonymous

      You said it perfectly. I’ve always felt destined for more. Most of the time I’m pretty darn happy with what I have but every once in a while, like when a royal wedding is on, I might think about what else I should have been.

  • http://twitter.com/mommyhoodnxtrt mommyhoodnextright

    Oh, how I can relate to this very honest and brave post! It’s scary to admit the love/hate relationship that I have with others’ success in life because it doesn’t really bode well with the person that I am publicly and would like to be privately. Jealousy is a word that most use to describe that feeling that arises when one wishes to be in the shoes of another, but in my case, I don’t think it’s jealousy. In my case, my hate relationship with others’ success comes from me realizing what I haven’t achieved yet. It’s sad.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s a very human quality, don’t you? And probably a quality most people don’t admit to. It’s hard to be happy for someone else if it’s something you really want for yourself. However, I’ve learned that that’s one way I can judge a friendship. If I feel jealous, I might not have as strong a friendship as I thought. If I’m happy for your success, it’s a much better friendship to me.

      • http://twitter.com/mommyhoodnxtrt mommyhoodnextright

        Oh, I so agree. I also find that as I am getting older and am finding my own groove in life, I compare myself less to others and just try to find all that there is to celebrate in my own life.

  • Andie Multiplemama

    I used to watch movies and think if I just got the lead chick’s haircut I could be just like her. Being satisfied with what you’ve got is so hard. Especially when everywhere you turn there are so many “perfects” out there in the media!

    • Anonymous

      I wanted to look just like Michele Pfeiffer in What Lies Beneath and then I wanted to be Connie Nielsen in One Hour Photo.Turns out the haircut doesn’t make you a star :(

  • http://thisismommyhood.com Elle

    Since as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be an actress and every year when I watch the Oscars, I so wish I was up there. It’s still something I wish I would’ve pursued but I’m so shy and it doesn’t help that I have social anxiety.

    Also I’m currently watching the Royal Wedding highlights as I type this..for the umpteenth time. :) I’ve never wanted to be a Princess but one can fantasize.

    • Anonymous

      That’s the thing. I can’t be sad I’m not up there accepting an Oscar because I never tried. I minored in Theatre in college and never pursued it. So why should I be sad? Probably because I know I gave up on my dreams too easily.

  • http://profiles.google.com/rungirl1 Rachee Fagg

    Wow! It’s like you stepped into my head and delved into the secret place that I keep things! I too would keep a hidden scrapbook of what I wanted to be. That was not too personal, it was just right.
    -r

    • Anonymous

      Here’s a bigger secret. I think I still have my beauty pageant scrapbook. Maybe I’ll blog about it someday since it’s out in the open now.

  • http://theromanticrealist.com theromanticrealist

    You know it really is hard to view other people’s lives without comparing ourselves to them.

    While we are admitting stuff – the one thing I always dreamt about (and maybe still do sometimes..) is having siblings. As an only child, I grew up wishing and wanting older and younger sisters. I used to watch “Just the 10 of Us” (remember that late 80s/90s sitcom?) and pretend I had a family that large. I compared myself to friends who had shoulders of siblings to lean on or fight with. And often times I still find myself in awe of a family with tons of children.

    But – i know it could never be me (my mom had multiple miscarriages – they tried). And, feel like i’ve learned to appreciate the parts of sibling-life that many people i know take for granted.

    Funny how I never wanted to be a queen – just a sister. And I didn’t even realize it until now – but when I watched the wedding on Friday, i found myself fixated on the sister aspect of Kate and Pippa. I guess some things never change.

    p.s. Do you still have the pageant scrapbook?

  • http://mommyslittlemonsterblake.blogspot.com/ Carri

    I was 6 years old. Just sayin’. ;) Love the post, as always. I’m glad I have time this week to write and link up!
    Harry is cuter than William now, so I don’t know… I guess we all still have a chance, right?

  • http://mommyslittlemonsterblake.blogspot.com/ Carri

    I was 6 years old. Just sayin’. ;) Love the post, as always. I’m glad I have time this week to write and link up!
    Harry is cuter than William now, so I don’t know… I guess we all still have a chance, right?

  • http://edenriley.blogspot.com/ edenland

    Totally get this post.

    I will *never* be Eminems girlfriend … it’s just so sad.

  • http://profiles.google.com/donutsmamab Rach B.

    Wow. I thought I was the only one who thought and felt this way sometimes! I’ve never wanted to admit it. Thanks for putting my thoughts out there and being brave enough to say these things. I wanted to be a best-selling author, an actress, the next big blogger–you know, the It girl. Hahaha! BTW, just yesterday I asked my husband why he couldn’t be a prince.

  • http://misfit-moms.blogspot.com Misfit Mommy

    Jeez, I thought I was the only one who felt that way! I refuse to watch TMZ or any of the ‘Red Carpet’ shows – it almost feels like they’re showing off JUST FOR ME! I am sooo happy to know that I’m not alone – I’m glad you posted this.

  • Melody Meiners

    I totally get that… I have the exact same feeling when I saw the royal wedding and when I watch behind the scenes footage. Like I am watching what I can never do. And I agree, very brave post

  • http://mrssmartypants.com Melody Meiners

    I totally get that… I have the exact same feeling when I saw the royal wedding and when I watch behind the scenes footage. Like I am watching what I can never do. And I agree, very brave post