A Big Scary Decision and a Whole New Me?

by Fadra Nally on February 28, 2013 · 68 comments

Last year, a common theme in my writing was self-loathing.

I don’t like getting older. My hair is thinning. The lines are deepening. The jowls are sagging. The hormones are completely out of whack. But the worst part is my expanding waistline.

I shouldn’t be surprised because I’ve never been a healthy eater nor an exercise fiend. In fact, I’ve never been particularly healthy. I’ve just been lucky.

I know how to eat properly. I know what I’m supposed to eat too. I just don’t wanna.

I have voids in my life and when I eat something that tastes good, it makes me feel good, even momentarily. And then I feel bad because I intentionally gave up the notion of self-control. It’s a bit of a vicious cycle.

I’m not really an emotional eater. When I’m mad or sad, I usually don’t eat. Emotions upset my stomach and I just don’t eat. But when I’m bored or feeling blah, I usually reach for the salty stuff. Chips, cheese and crackers, pretzels. Sure, I buy whole wheat and try to limit my carbs. But when I do eat carbs, I overeat my carbs.

I’ve got issues. I recognize it is as easy “as burn more calories than I put into my body.” But limiting my food intake and increasing my physical activity is something I’ve never really excelled at. And it’s because of one reason: I’m lazy. I prefer the path of least resistance.

But I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand feeling self-conscious every time I put on a shirt that my cling a little too much. Or feeling frustrated when I put on pants that just don’t fit anymore because I’ve expanded too much in the front or too much in the back. Or depressed when it’s time to go shopping for new clothes because I find myself looking at the larger sizes so I can mask things all the better.

And the worst part? People that generally know me think I look great. I think I actually looked pretty cute when I was at Epcot earlier this week…

And at Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

But I knew I was making the right decision about changing my lifestyle when I saw the pictures my husband snapped as I came off of the Kali River Rapids ride.

It mortifies me to publish these pictures but it’s time to hold myself accountable. Publicly accountable.

It’s the double and triple rolls at my waist, the hunched over posture, the doughy back. There’s nothing about my body that screams health. I’m not obese and technically I’m in the “normal” weight range but my body isn’t what it should be and I need help.

I signed up for and was accepted to the Shaklee 180™ Program for bloggers. Along with 89 other bloggers, I’ll be following the program for 6 months. They’ll provide me the products and support I need to follow the program but the rest is entirely up to me. I don’t want to let them down and I don’t want to let myself down.

In addition to making myself feel better and feeling better about myself, I want to model a healthier lifestyle for my overweight husband and my 6 year old who’s becoming a bigger kid than I’d like him to be.

I’ll officially start the program on March 1st and I’ll be writing monthly and publishing a video diary to show my progress. If it seems a bit self-indulgent to be doing this in a public forum, I understand your thoughts on this. But I need a level of public accountability. And if you feel compelled to follow my progress, I’d love any words of advice, support, encouragement, or even questions.

Here’s to better health!

Myrdin Thompson

I admire your honesty on all of this Fadra, whatever support you need, just ask, but know I love you as my friend for the you of your spirit, your smile, your encouragement. I want all that around for a long time. You can do this! Xoxo
- FadraN
  
  You are wonderful, Myrdin. I hope to someday have half the energy you do!!
Dawn Moore

Good for you Fadra! You are brave for doing this publicly and I applaud you. There’s a healthy person inside of you begging to get out and prance around. Good luck on your journey:)
- FadraN
  
  Wait til I post my before pictures. I’m not excited about public accountability but I’ve got to stop being a baby about it!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1246392206 Lizzie Oakley

Such a great post!!!
- FadraN
  
  Thanks, Lizzie!
kristiina

Way to go Fadra! I think that one of the hardest parts is getting in the right frame of mind to make the changes! You can do it! And you did/do look cute in all your pics! Love the striped skirt…where is it from???
- FadraN
  
  I have been missing skirts from my wardrobe for quite a while and I decided that needs to change! I bought that one at Target right before vacation!
http://www.facebook.com/brittany78 Brittany Vanderlinden

Good for you Fadra! I am trying to slim down right now and heck, I missed that Shaklee application deadline by just hours with all the sickness in this house. I will be your biggest cheerleader and hey, I am doing shakes too, just not Shaklee as I’m all buying the slimfast from the grocery. And, I have pictures of myself that I did not post and was too uncomfortable. That was brave and you just helped yourself really be committed to do this and to show people what a difference it can make. Now start running with me too and next year we can hit the Princess Half
- FadraN
  
  Girl, let me tell you. I saw women at Disney and there’s no WAY they ran that half marathon. It was a sightseeing walk for many of them. But I will put it on my list to consider doing with you!!! (I should probably start with a 5k)
frannybolsa

Where’s there is courage for honesty – there is courage for change. You can do it!
- FadraN
  
  Thanks, Lisa! I’ve never challenged myself like this so I’m scared!
Mai Bateson

Seeing your pictures, you have a pretty face. I love your eyes! I know you can do it, Fadra! Nothing beats a healthy life! Stay Fit and fab!
- FadraN
  
  You know that “you have a pretty face” is code for YOU’RE FAT! (just kidding)
  
  Thanks. I’m hoping that I can stay true and be successful!
http://twitter.com/MommaBeThyName Stephanie Bernaba

1. That’s great. Best of luck. We’ll be cheering you on. 2. You did look cute. 3. The worst thing you can do is hate yourself. Don’t do it. When your eulogy is read, they’re not going to talk about all of your fabulous weight loss victories. They are going to talk about how you touched people, made them laugh, lifted them up, or took great care of them. Just some food for thought. That said, I want a treadmill. And, honey, just be glad you never had twins. I have skin I never had now. Lots of it. And I don’t know where to put it.
- FadraN
  
  You are so right. I think it just shocked me a little when my mother even noticed that I was gaining weight. Mothers aren’t supposed to notice that! I have lots to be thankful for. I just want to not take it for granted!
  - http://www.mommysnest.com MommyLisa
    
    I am pretty sure my mom wishes I were doing Weight Watchers again.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1045992371 Kimberly Coleman

Good for you Fadra!
- FadraN
  
  Thanks, Kim!
Tuan

Awesome Fadra!!!…but dump the shaklee program. If u want to use it as a jump start like Heather used The 17 Day Diet that’s great, but relying on a program (shaklee, weight watchers, etc) is almost never successful at a sustained weight loss. It will require a change in lifestyle and eating habits. I lost about 20 and kept off 15…heather lost about 38 and has kept off 30. You don’t need any other program than 1. Weighing yourself everyday! 2. Eat 6-8 smaller meals each day. 3. Cut out processed foods and unnecessary carbs and most importantly 4. Do something (anything!) active for 30-45 minutes 6 times a week!
- Mrs. Jen B
  
  I can’t speak for Shaklee because we don’t start until tomorrow, but Weight Watchers most definitely requires a change in lifestyle habits. If you work the program correctly, i.e. make the connection between using your points for healthy, energizing, filling foods rather than garbage, and making it a point to get exercise every day, you can make major changes which last a lifetime. From the research I’ve done re: Shaklee, there is major focus placed on health and balance of nutrients. It’s all about the person doing the work, and whether they look at this as a “diet”/”quick fix”/”punishment” or a change towards health.
  - FadraN
    
    I need something to jumpstart me and I’ve counted calories before and know that it makes me miserable. I’m hoping this is a failsafe to get me going in the right direction.
- FadraN
  
  Shaklee is providing me product and support for 6 months. I’m hoping for a lifestyle change more than anything. Once I get to feeling healthy, I know I’ll want to take of myself. Getting active will be the biggest (and most important) thing for me but I’ll do it!
Suebob

The thing that Kristin Auger said that stuck with me is that it isn’t about the numbers or even how you look – it’s about being more capable. Can you do the things you want to do – stretch, dance, move, ride a bike, hike, paddle your kayak? The investment you make now in your body will pay off as you keep or gain those capabilities as you get older.

I agree that the Shaklee program probably isn’t the best. If you want to lose weight, Weight Watchers is the most well-proven way to do it. If you don’t want to go to WW, try logging all your food and getting an hour a day of vigorous exercise. Both of those should go a long way.
- FadraN
  
  I need a kickstart. I need a dummyproof here’s-exactly-what-to-eat-and-when program. If I can trick myself into feeling healthy, I might actually like it! I’ve counted calories before and it just stresses me out and I end up going in the opposite direction.
- http://twitter.com/DiannaKennedy Dianna Kennedy
  
  Totally agree with you — not about numbers – I want to be able to chase my children without feeling like I need a nap, climb a tree with them, go rock climbing, etc, etc.
Ashley

Great post!! Can’t wait to start the journey tomorrow
- FadraN
  
  I’m terrified but committed so that’s half the battle!
Mrs. Jen B

See, this right here is a perfect example of how important it is for us to all share our stories. As an obviously overweight woman I would look at you and wish I were in your shoes. But at the end of the day it’s how you feel in your skin, how your body serves you individually. And it’s so easy to mistake “healthy weight” and “toned” – two totally different things! I hope this program brings us BOTH the results we’re looking for!
- FadraN
  
  I’m so so so out of shape and I just loathe my body. But it’s my own fault. And it’s time to be accountable!
Lilkidthings

Congrats Fadra!! I know you will rock this and we will be here cheering you on!
- FadraN
  
  Thanks, Andrea!
http://www.jmarkafghans.com/ JMarkAfghans

I was reading along, nodding and agreeing – seeing myself in every word. Sometimes I think you’re channeling me – especially the salty-snack-scarfing, need-to-get-in-shape, lazy parts.
- FadraN
  
  Well, I’m a week in. And I’m starting to overcome some of those bad habits. I’ll let you know if it’s possible to change!
http://twitter.com/MandiMcClure Mandi McClure

I’ve been having these exact same thoughts daily. Best of luck to you. I am cheering you on from my little corner of the internet. You can do this! I need to try little harder and I can too.
- FadraN
  
  This is hardest I’ve tried EVER. Thank you for the virtual support!
http://www.about100percent.blogspot.com Andrea

I commend you for being accountable to yourself (and your readers) on your new lifestyle change. Becoming healthier is TOUGH but you will feel a lot better very quickly. I did this a couple of years ago when it became clear to me that I was too young to be feeling so old. Plus everything I was eating was making me sick. I feel so much better in my skin now. Encouragement from friends and family helps a ton: seek your cheerleaders out now!
- FadraN
  
  Thanks for your words of encouragement. I’m a week in already and it’s getting a teeny tiny bit easier. But I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch. And I’m still pushing forward!
Hoperose

I loathe my body as well, and even more, I loathe my lack of self motivation and discipline to really do anything about it. I’m not obese, but when I look in the mirror, I feel disgusted. I “shouldn’t” but fact remains, I do. It’s not just a matter of needing and wanting to be healthy (for me) but we live in a society where looks are glorified beyond what is inside ones heart, and I hate that. Anyway, I wish you well, and maybe your success will gently push me to do more for my own health and well being.
- FadraN
  
  Everything you described is exactly why I signed up for this program. I’m obligated. I feel like I don’t have a choice and that’s the position I need to be in. When left to my own devices, I know I would fail miserably.
http://www.livinglavidanormal.com SimplyGabriela

Congratulations on making the commitment for yourself and thank you for sharing this journey with all of us. I’m happy to serve as cheerleader on the sideline and I can also give a quick kick in the rear if you need it

It helps me to be accountable to others also. I hope that the Shaklee program will give you the kickstart you need so that after the 6 months you can take off with your own plan to keep going in the direction of being HEALTHY and feeling good about yourself and in your own body.
- FadraN
  
  I’m learning quickly that I can lose my addiction to food but the exercise is something I really need to make a habit. So far I’m off to a good start but I’ll let you know if I need that kick
CarolinaMama

WTG Fadra! Excited to be doing this together!!
- FadraN
  
  Me too! Hope we are both successful!!!
http://twitter.com/DiannaKennedy Dianna Kennedy

Oh, I love you girl. I’m feeling the same way.
Soft.
Weak.
ICK.
I’m cheering you on.
- FadraN
  
  I can’t imagine you ever being soft and weak. You’re one of my inspirationS!!!
http://genieinablog.com. Leigh Ann

You can do it! I teeter between telling you that you can do it and assuring you that you are beautiful no matter what. But it feels better to be healthier, so it’s a win/win. Since I started training for my half marathon, I haven’t lost that many actual pounds, but there is a definite difference in my body. I can’t wait to hear more about your progress!
- FadraN
  
  That’s what i care about. A better body. If the scale moves, I won’t complain but I just want to feel better in my own physical skin!
theaumsmama

Good for you, Fadra! I’m always down to cheer others on in their journey to better health. I’m in the midst of my journey as well. I took before pics of myself in January. Not sure I’ll publish them, at least not til I have the after shots I want, lol. One of my problems is hunched posture as well and I’m currently going through a Rolfing series to address it. Basically, I’m being restructured from the bottom up (feet to head). What I really want is to get over this plateau of 10-20 pounds “baby weight.” Anyway….I wish you the best!
- FadraN
  
  I feel the same way about my before shots. They’re worse than these candid photos that I used. But I’m hoping to post them to say, Look at me!!! I’ve never heard of rolfing but I’m totally intrigued. Going to look into it!
http://www.facebook.com/natalie.allenhoage Natalie Allen Hoage

We are going to ROCK THIS, Fadra!!! I can’t wait to see what we look like in the next few months
- FadraN
  
  We’ll be awesome, right? We might be hungry but we’ll be smokin’!
http://www.facebook.com/joann.hasslerbullock Joann Hassler-Bullock

Best of luck, I love Shaklee products and think you will do well with their program if you have the support around you. That is going to be key-support. As for the skin and hormones, email me, I may have a solution for you that is the same or better quality than what you will find with Shaklee. (BTW-i use all Shaklee cleaning products and their kid vitamins)
- FadraN
  
  I’ll definitely drop you a note. One step at a time. I look at this as a kickstart more than anything and way to prove to myself that i can do this.
http://twitter.com/AFadedGinger Ginger Kay

I wish you success, but the self loathing saddens me. Losing weight, in a healthy, sustainable manner is a good thing, but it shouldn’t define you or how you feel about yourself. I hope you reach a healthier weight, but I also hope you discover a healthier sense of self, one that might be annoyed by aging and weight gain, but won’t be derailed by it.
- FadraN
  
  The self-loathing isn’t entirely about my body. There are many things I like about myself but we are the sum of our parts and I plan to improving the parts I don’t like!
Lauren Weber

I love that you put yourself out there like this, and I love your reasoning. I am on the same boat…I just want to start thinking healthier so it just becomes a part of me and I don’t think twice about working out or grabbing a piece of fruit over chocolate. We can all do this together!

P.S. I also want to model for my overweight husband. I didn’t want to put that in my post, but it’s true. I secretly hope it motivates him, too, because I would love someone to do this crazy journey with!
- FadraN
  
  I can’t wait to see how things go for you (and your husband). I can’t believe it’s only been a week but we can do this. Habits are hard to break and we didn’t get this way in a week so I’m just trying to be patient!
Stephanie

Good luck and congrats on making this decision. Taking that first step and making up your mind to do better is really hard. After scanning these comments, it’s obvious that you have an awesome support system and people who are cheering for you. You deserve it!
- FadraN
  
  Thanks, Stephanie! I’m happy to see so many supportive comments. And yes, the first step (and dare I say, the first week) has been hard but I’m still going!
http://twitter.com/GrnEydCntryGirl Anna Hettick

Good luck! I recently started making myself workout more and stop eating because I’m bored. I generally like working out for a couple weeks, then I have to really push myself. But I can already tell a difference. So here’s to getting into the shape we want/need to be in!
- FadraN
  
  I’m hoping I won’t hit a plateau. I’m partially motivated right now and it keeps me going but I’m hoping the better I look/feel, the more motivated I’ll be!
  - http://twitter.com/GrnEydCntryGirl Anna Hettick
    
    that’s exactly what I’m hoping for. I normally don’t measure or weigh myself much but this time I decided to just so I could actually see the results each week/month so that maybe I can stay motivated that way.
http://www.facebook.com/lindsey.gendke Lindsey Gendke

Fadra, I’m new to blogging, and new to reading blogs, but I found yours and I love it. Thank you for being so honest. I haven’t found raw honesty very much in my search for blogs so far–well, maybe not honesty with good writing! So thanks! Your blog inspires mine.
- FadraN
  
  Thanks for your kind note, Lindsey! My whole life I’ve been known for not always having the right filters in place. I’m kind of honest to a fault but I think people like to know that there are other real people out there trying to live life the best they can. We have enough movie stars and talk show hosts showing the grander side of life that I don’t need to compete with that! (Although I would if the right offer came along )
http://www.amadisonmom.com Colleen – amadisonmom

Good for you Fadra! I’m looking forward to seeing what you think about the program. I looked at it when they put out there call for bloggers to do it… and I just wasn’t at all ready to commit. I need to get started on something though. The little numbers on my scale are slowly inching up. Scary scary! Good luck to you!!!! Can’t wait to see your posts.
Pingback: Shaklee 180 Video Diary: The First 30 Days | all.things.fadra
http://www.fortuitoushousewife.com/ Lollie ~ Fortuitous Housewife

You are my hero! You are so brave! I am far too often horrified by photos of myself, and delete the majority. But I also realized each time I hit that delete button, I’m deleting a tiny bit of myself.

As my family’s anticipation & excitement builds for our upcoming Florida & Bahama vacation, I feel the photographic dread building in me – sleeveless tops, swimsuits – eek!

I’m so flattered when people think I’m younger than my driver’s license reveals, but I see the changes in the mirror. I try to embrace them, try to find acceptance, try to find dignity in aging — secretly, I’m failing miserably.

I’ll be cheering you on. And you’ve inspired me – I’ve got three weeks til vacation, time to start making some changes of my own!