Or has it? I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about a LOT of things. Her life and circumstances are way more stressful than mine, yet we still both feel the same sense of frustration when our day has ended. We find ourselves saying things like “I didn’t get anything done today”, “where did the day go?”, “if I could just get a little time to myself”, “I feel so unorganized”.
Are you the mother of a small child? Are you a working mom? Are you a stay-at-home mom? I bet all of those phrases sound and feel so relevant to you. And I started thinking about why. Here’s my take on it.
I was a working woman. I never considered myself a career woman but I guess that I was. I put in long hours, I made good money. And then along came my little bundle of sunshine. I was fortunate enough to stay at home for the first 4 months, work part-time for the next 18 months, and then full time after that. Then part-time. Then no time. Yeah, the economy hasn’t been that kind to me.
So I feel like I have the full gamut of perspective. I know what it’s like to close a big deal or work on a major contract or give a huge presentation. I know the successes and failures of the working world. I know what it’s like to make a fabulous six-course meal at home or tile your kitchen floor or paint every last room in the house. It’s satisfying. It may not always be a job well done but it’s a job that’s DONE.
Enter the world of mommyhood. When you stay at home, you feel a sense or even an obligation to take care of everything on the homefront. Who am I kidding? If you work, you still probably feel the same way. Herein lies the problem. IT’S NEVER FINISHED. And you never quite get a sense of accomplishment.
Think of all the major household tasks that need to be done. And for the sake of argument, I’m going to use some gender stereotypes about who does what around the house. The lady of the house might be responsible for:
- Managing all food related tasks
- Grocery shopping
- Making breakfast
- Emptying dishwasher
- Loading dishwasher
- Cleaning countertops/appliances
- Handwashing pots and pans
- Making lunch
- Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
- Working as a laundress
- Sorting laundry
- Washing clothes
- Folding or hanging clothes
- Putting clothes away
- By this time, you inevitably have more dirty clothes.
- Cleaning the domicile
- Picking up toys
- Picking up clothes
- Sorting mail
- Vacuuming/mopping
- Dusting
- Picking up toys
- Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Are you starting to get the picture I’m trying to paint? Now imagine that traditional household once again where the man of the house might be responsible for the following:
- Taking care of the lawn
- Mow the grass
- Edge the grass
- Blow the grass
- Drink beer.
I’m sorry. I got stuck. I couldn’t think of much else. The point here is that while lawn maintenance is something that is ongoing, mowing the lawn and performing the accompanying tasks usually happens once a week. And then it’s done. The end.
When a big part of our “job” is taking care of the household, it’s really difficult to ever feel a sense of accomplishment because continually managing the daily tasks is the job. And the tasks are never really completed.
In my household, I’m lucky enough to have a partner (meaning husband) who shares in a lot of the household tasks. We break the gender stereotypes. We both cook. We both clean…the kitchen. I might do a little more of the cleaning but I can’t argue. He’s my landscaper, mechanic, carpenter, electrician, plumber, IT support, and sometime seamstress (seamster?). It took years before we could admit to each other that I hate laundry and he likes it. He hates vacuuming and I like it. We trade and swap and try to support each other.
In my mind, I expect that he comes home and wonders what I got done all day. Sometimes the reality is making it through the day is my biggest sense of accomplishment.
How does your household stack up? Do you stay at home? Work at home? Work outside the home? I’d love to hear if/how you’ve come to find a balance.
18 comments
Balance? What’s that? Brayden already told you how it goes in this house. Mommy AND Daddy do everything. Ummm, what?
Brett is really great about doing stuff when I ask him. *ahem* Only when he really feels like it! Ha! He is great, but it still is frustrating sometimes because we are expected to do SO much.
My company is based entirely around the concept of positive mothering. Just like you and every other mother, it didn’t take me long to realize that in fact, the mundane details of life would become monumental as a Mom. Dinner is a huge deal, laundry is incessant, finance is fiercly dominant, the list goes on. But at some point, you have to step across the threshhold and simply be in the chaos and celebrate your victories. When you get to that place of saying “I choose positive” then you can think practically and just focus on yoru solutions, not if they are “even” or “fair”. Its not about that…really. Its about you and how you feel about what you do. And some days, those victories will look so small, so mundane, but they are monumental. Because the love and care of a small human being is the epicenter of profound, albeit way more messy than I ever imagined, and I’m not just talking about their diapers =)
Good thing I’ve never been a neat freak 😉
Some days just making it to when my husband gets home is an accomplishment for me. I don’t know if I could have identified it before, but you hit the nail on the head: there is no finish line as a stay at home mom. No matter what I do, there will always be more. More laundry. More cleaning. More dishes. And on and on and on. They say the reason people go postal is because there’s just no end to the mail. Some days, I can identify with that.
Balance? I wish.
I remember when my son was born asking if I’ll be tired for the next 18 years. A wise man told me – no it’s for the rest of your life. Mothering itself is the greatest unending task.
Balance? What’s that? Brayden already told you how it goes in this house. Mommy AND Daddy do everything. Ummm, what?
Brett is really great about doing stuff when I ask him. *ahem* Only when he really feels like it! Ha! He is great, but it still is frustrating sometimes because we are expected to do SO much.
My company is based entirely around the concept of positive mothering. Just like you and every other mother, it didn’t take me long to realize that in fact, the mundane details of life would become monumental as a Mom. Dinner is a huge deal, laundry is incessant, finance is fiercly dominant, the list goes on. But at some point, you have to step across the threshhold and simply be in the chaos and celebrate your victories. When you get to that place of saying “I choose positive” then you can think practically and just focus on yoru solutions, not if they are “even” or “fair”. Its not about that…really. Its about you and how you feel about what you do. And some days, those victories will look so small, so mundane, but they are monumental. Because the love and care of a small human being is the epicenter of profound, albeit way more messy than I ever imagined, and I’m not just talking about their diapers =)
Good thing I’ve never been a neat freak 😉
Some days just making it to when my husband gets home is an accomplishment for me. I don’t know if I could have identified it before, but you hit the nail on the head: there is no finish line as a stay at home mom. No matter what I do, there will always be more. More laundry. More cleaning. More dishes. And on and on and on. They say the reason people go postal is because there’s just no end to the mail. Some days, I can identify with that.
Balance? I wish.
I remember when my son was born asking if I’ll be tired for the next 18 years. A wise man told me – no it’s for the rest of your life. Mothering itself is the greatest unending task.
It’s the life of Sisyphus. I wrote about that once. And it’s still the same here. Sigh.
Though I’m single w/no kids, I still often end my days feeling unaccomplished. And I’ve discovered that working has absolutely no impact on my levels of success – strangely, when unemployed I seem to accomplish even less than when working. So I’ve just made it to a place where I make pacts with my friends and we get together to get done the things that I find very important and relax somewhat on the rest.
Exactly, Megan. For some reason, unemployment takes structure out of my day and then the whole thing becomes chaotic. It can be freeing but sometimes there is such a thing as too much freedom. You’ll learn that if you ever do have kids 😉
It’s the life of Sisyphus. I wrote about that once. And it’s still the same here. Sigh.
Though I’m single w/no kids, I still often end my days feeling unaccomplished. And I’ve discovered that working has absolutely no impact on my levels of success – strangely, when unemployed I seem to accomplish even less than when working. So I’ve just made it to a place where I make pacts with my friends and we get together to get done the things that I find very important and relax somewhat on the rest.
Exactly, Megan. For some reason, unemployment takes structure out of my day and then the whole thing becomes chaotic. It can be freeing but sometimes there is such a thing as too much freedom. You’ll learn that if you ever do have kids 😉
Hey there! I'm over from our conversation on Sits!
I'm a WAHM. There are always things that are undone. Did you see that recent episode of Dr. Phill where it was declared that SAHMs have an extra 30-40hrs/ week? Yeah, garbage. I didn't see the episode, but I read an excellent quote from it that was something to the extent of “Saying I have an extra 30 hours a week is like telling me I'm going to get $2000, but thrown at me at random in nickels.” It was also much better stated.
Staying at home is the ultimate test of time management. It's not even really time management. Its time offense. You have to plan for the worst all the time which means getting days ahead on work.
There's only so much you can control. Everything else, you just have to kind of let go. In order to attempt to be the opposite-of-my-mom, cooled cucumber type of mother that I strive to be (with some success…you can see the truth in my eyes. beware of the eyes!), I've had to stop caring about the finger prints around the door knobs and the dust in the corners. And you know, I'm happier this way.
WOW! This post really hit home for me~! This is just the type of conversation I have with my husband again and again! I ask him if he knows what it feels like to have everyone come in and undo all that he did that day…every day! He doesn't get it…You do! Thanks 🙂
Thanks for the Twitter follow…looking forward to reading more of your bog.
Bobbie
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