I discovered something about myself this weekend and it wasn’t what I was expecting.
I attended the Social Good Summit in New York City and got to hang out with about twenty of the most interesting bloggers I know. We chatted about everything from our passions to our business to our backgrounds. It was a fantastic meeting of the minds and I left truly feeling like part of a team.
But I didn’t start the weekend that way.
I started in the same way I usually do for a trip: I plan every outfit.
The rest of my life might be chaotic but when I go on a trip, I intend to have everything in order. I plan what to wear during the day, during the evening, on my feet. What makeup I’ll wear, what earrings I need. And only once in a while do I actually forget something (this time, it was a toothbrush and toothpaste).
When I’m in an unfamiliar environment, dressing by the numbers eases my stress and gives me one less thing to worry about. But, oh, how I worried as I was packing. The dress for this weekend was business casual and I intended to look the part of a professional blogger (whatever that may be).
As I invaded my closet, I made some startling discoveries. My dress pants were too tight. My nicer shirts were too tight. My cardigans were too form-fitting. My dresses were too revealing or just downright unflattering. I think it took me two hours of nonstop try-on-take-off before I finally found clothes that would make me feel less like a whale squishing into a guppy dress and more like a cleverly disguised muffin.
I felt mostly confident in what I was wearing all weekend. Mostly. My hair was another story. After an unsatisfactory haircut last week and little self-trimming, I looked in the mirror and was pretty sure I saw the hair from my middle school days. So up in a ponytail it went. All weekend.
But confidence waned again on the first full day of the summit. We had attended several closed door sessions with some pretty impressive people. I was inspired, sure, but what really got me was the feeling that had been hiding all weekend. The feeling of inadequacy.
As we walked into the summit, I turned to two of my fellow bloggers and said (hot on the heels of my post last week), “Don’t you ever feel like you’re not doing enough? Don’t you ever feel like it’s so late in life and what have I done to make a difference in the world?”
And they both looked at me and said no.
No?
They both exuded confidence in themselves and pride at all of their accomplishments. There’s always more to be done, sure, but they felt they were already contributing and making a difference in their own way. Why didn’t I feel that way?
And that’s when I realized that I need to have a serious talk with my self-esteem.
There are parts of me that I don’t like. Parts of me that say you’re not good enough. You’re not doing enough. And it’s time for that to stop. I have a specific plan to help me work on those feelings.
But there are other parts that are a little more difficult to work on. And it’s not just self-esteem. It’s self-loathing and it’s a really awful thing.
I constantly look in the mirror and see what I don’t want to see.
– I have too many freckles.
– I have a bump in my nose.
– Is that an age spot on my arm?
– What comes after muffin top? Because that’s what I’ve got.
– My shoulders are rounded.
– My feet are too fat.
– My eyelids are droopy.
– My face isn’t symmetrical.
– My hair is thinning.
You get the idea, right?
No, I’m not some crazy vain person. I don’t expect a movie star body (not without lots of workouts and maybe a little plastic surgery). And logically, I understand that everything I mentioned above are simply factual statements.
But these are facts that I don’t like. These are facts I think about every time I try on clothes or even simply look in the mirror. And it’s not healthy for me to keep thinking this way. Because sometimes I think the lack of physical confidence leeches into my personal and professional confidence. I’m ready to change that in a bold way.
I’m going on a journey to love and appreciate me and my body and I want you to come along. Maybe even participate.
It’s a project I’m starting sometime in the next few weeks and the real idea came to me over the summer at a blogging event.
I was fortunate enough to have time to hear some photography tips from the talented photography team of Todd and Diane (known as @WhiteOnRice). I went expecting to hear about shutter speed and aperture and lenses and other equipment. They actually ended up talking to use about the more esoteric qualities of photography.
They showed some nice engagement photos they had done for a couple. Something you might see in the newspaper. And then they showed photos that weren’t posed. These were real moments between the young couple, caught on film. The photos showed anything but perfection. Instead they exuded the couple’s real personality and playfulness and emotion.
And that’s when Todd and Diane said the magic words: embrace the imperfection.
That’s exactly what I plan to do.
I’m starting something called Embracing the Imperfection.
It’s a project that I’m still formulating in my mind but it’s a project I’d love to have you take part in with me. I want to take back my body and my confidence in a way that is so bold, I’ll have no choice but to love myself again. And if maybe there’s a little self-loathing in your life, we can do it together.
102 comments
Damn, Fadra. You have me close to tears this morning. This was beautiful. It’s real and you’re real. You’re a beautiful woman who I’m proud to know. And you’re doing SO much. Thank you for sharing your own insecurities and showing us more of the real you. I hope your journey forward shows you what so many of us already see. So, yeah, I’m in for the ride. 🙂
I like how you said your journey FORWARD. We need to feel good about ourselves as women again, no matter what shape we take.
Love this – and count me in!
I most certainly will 🙂
I love this. I have been feeling very very down in general lately but also down on myself. But for no reason that should bother me. I am for sure in on this with you! =) Thank you for keepin’ it real.
It’s so so easy to get down on yourself. Don’t you know that women carry the weight of the world? It’s time to shed some of that figurative weight.
Love it. I recently started taking back my body/self image too. I don’t want perfection either. Just health and I want to feel good. I will totally join you 🙂
So glad. Perfection is unattainable for anyone and many have died trying for it. We have so much to be thankful for!
i know how you feel – and you know I LOVE TO EAT. So here’s my piece of advice.
That cake/ramen/cheeseburger tastes better than what skinny feels like.
Doesn’t work?
All the skinny ladies don’t have an E. and a hubby who supports everything you do. Unconditionally. You are in a position to DO WHAT YOU WANT (be a blogger, etc. etc.)
You have an inexhaustible amount of support network.
Yes, Id love to be a bit lighter, but I love food – and I’m too lazy to exercise. Not a bad tradeoff!
It tastes better than skinny feels. Yes. But how many of us agonize because we want both?
What I love about you Stella is that you know your imperfections and you EMBRACE them. You’re an example of what I’d like to be.
Thanks! fyi – my entire family thinks im fat, im bulging out of my “skinny” jeans and i have “sausage feelings.”
also, i used to be lighter- and I THOUGHT I WAS FAT!!!! If there’s anything i think that will NEVER go away, is that you will always think of yourself as fat. regardless of how skinny you get.
Life’s too short to dwell in misery. 🙂
Yes, yes, yes. Whatever it turns out to be, count me in!
I’m coming for you…
I know that imperfection thing very well. And self-confidence? What’s that? I struggle just to strike up a conversation with someone I know, much less a stranger. I loved your post. So honest. I can’t wait to see what you come up with for Embracing The Imperfection.
It’s going to be good, Lynda. And it’s going to be challenge and maybe even make you uncomfortable. But that’s how we break through.
I love this idea. Embracing the imperfection. It is powerful.
I’m in!!
Thank you for supporting this idea!!
Count me in. As I read this, it was like you were speaking what I have been thinking lately. I want to be happy with the imperfection that is me and be a the cinfindant person I once was.
I walk around thinking… “I used to be somebody.” And I’m tired of feeling that way. It’s ME that makes me feel like that and when I’m around so many other confident women, it becomes obvious to me that it’s a choice.
Forget that shit. You ARE somebody. And when i see you on Sunday, I’m going to give you a big smooshy hug, probably pronounce your name wrong because I’ve been worrying about that (ha!) and remind you of it. I love you <3
Wonderful, amazing idea. I know that feeling 🙁 and getting rid of it would be very, very powerful.
We’re works in progress but let’s make sure we’re progressing!
ok. i’m in.
Love it.
I love you. And I’m in. I want to hug you. Maybe lick you.
Hugs, yes. Licks, no. Okay, maybe. I love your energy, Tracy.
Oh friend. Count me in. I’ve been thinking about this very thing lately. I hate the feelings of inadequacy and of looking in the mirror and not loving what is smiling (or frowning) back at you. Muah!
You know we own those feelings, right?? We have the power to get rid of them. And we’re going to do that.
You are one of the most beautiful spirits I’ve ever met, Fadra, and I mean that. I adore Todd and Diane and how they embrace beautiful imperfection! I think you’re really onto something, and I’m all in.
I’m so glad you’re in. You are one of those women that exudes confidence and I’d love to be more like you!
I just cried at my desk. I thought no one else felt like this. I have all those feelings and I get so overwhelmed by them that I freeze. I think that is why I cook. I have control over what I put in a pot. It’s like you having control over what you put in a carry on bag. Thank you! I am in even though I have been slack on my blogging.
You don’t have to blog to be part of this. I have some big ideas and really just want to create a community of sharing and acceptance.
HUG. You are gorgeous my friend, inside & out! And how often I wish wonderful peeps like you & Fadra lived near. That’s my struggle cross to bear! Xoxo
Yes, please, I need to embrace imperfection. Can’t wait!
So glad to have another like mind joining in!
Yes, please, I need to embrace imperfection. Can’t wait!
Fadra,
I am crying.
I am crying not only because I see myself in this post, but because I cannot comprehend how YOU SEE YOURSELF. I see everything the opposite–I see beauty and courage and strength and poise and grace. I see a women I’d love to be more like.
I also see that I need to undertake this challenge along with you.
May I? Awaiting further instructions. And blowing my nose into a kleenex.
I love and adore you. I am crying for myself, but also for you—because you don’t see yourself the way I and many others do…
No, I don’t. I can’t allow myself to see things the way you do. You posted once on my Facebook page that my photo was “gorgeous” and that word made me want to run away. I don’t know why. It’s so hard to accept who we are because we never feel satisfied or good enough. I recognize this. It’s a problem and one I’m ready to change.
Fadra,
I am crying.
I am crying not only because I see myself in this post, but because I cannot comprehend how YOU SEE YOURSELF. I see everything the opposite–I see beauty and courage and strength and poise and grace. I see a women I’d love to be more like.
I also see that I need to undertake this challenge along with you.
May I? Awaiting further instructions. And blowing my nose into a kleenex.
I love and adore you. I am crying for myself, but also for you—because you don’t see yourself the way I and many others do…
at least you’re not short 🙂
Oh, but I am. 5′ 2 1/2″
I’ve been saying 5’3″ for years and the doctor just corrected me 🙁
at least you’re not short 🙂
I admired you from afar before I met you in person, both as a blogger and as a fellow person with a weird name that starts with an F. Now that we’ve “slept together” I love you even more. I want to be you when I grow up. I think you are doing more to improve the world than 99% of the population – what you do is truly impressive. I think we all have our different issues, thanks in part to society’s pressures. I know I have mine. I’m in!
Fawn – How I would have loved to have been Fawn instead of Fadra. Yet ANOTHER issue I’ve had in my life. Never satisfied. I’m so glad we got to meet. There’s always a reason for connections in life. Thank you for the compliments and I’m so glad you’re in!!
I admired you from afar before I met you in person, both as a blogger and as a fellow person with a weird name that starts with an F. Now that we’ve “slept together” I love you even more. I want to be you when I grow up. I think you are doing more to improve the world than 99% of the population – what you do is truly impressive. I think we all have our different issues, thanks in part to society’s pressures. I know I have mine. I’m in!
I just read Erin’s comment while nodding the entire time. We see our own selves SO differently than others do. But I believe that is human nature. My big pet peeve in the mirror? My big arms. But I know they are MY AWESOME arms that do SO much for me every day and I need to celebrate them no matter their size. Just like you need to celebrate all the things that make you YOU. But I know and get this. I think ALL women do, even the ones who appear “perfect”. And I’m most willing to join your project. We ALL need to celebrate each other and our inner and outer beauty, any chance we get. Thanks for this Fadra!!
And really, how much different would our lives be if our arms were thinner? I just watched a video of a big, black, Haitian woman and wish I had the positive energy she had.
I”ve run out of sleeves to wipe my nose. You are strong and powerful in your honesty. Since our brief Blissdom introduction – you are one of the Big, Cool and Awesome Bloggers I want to be like. I already see you as someone who’s creating all kinds of amazing things. It’s funny how a mirror and the voices in our head change the way we see ourselves. I just finished a rough draft post along the same lines. At 41, I am overwhelmed by under-accomplishment. Especially as I try to figure out how to join a whole new professional world. One in which I feel horrendously inadequate to be in. I’d love to join your tribe and kick some self-loathing bootie.
Everything you wrote from “It’s funny how…” on could have been written by me. EXACTLY. Age, overwhelmed, underaccomplished. All of it. But let’s push on anyway, shall we?
Love you, and love this idea. I am SO in.
Back atcha, Cheryl.
I love you and think you are amazing in so many ways, it blows me away you feel this way about yourself because it is SO opposite from how I see you!!
I’ve embraced my imperfections for a while, but am always one to journey down a road of improvement and better self love and self acceptance. I wrote a post last week about how I’ve been finding myself more and more recently and loving myself more and more too. So I’m all in on this journey with you, for sure!!
Isn’t that the truth about all of us? If we could see ourselves the way others do, we might love ourselves more. I’ll have to check out your post!
My first time to your blog (thank you Erin Margolin for posting this on FB) — and I feel this way too. I started a health kick about two months ago… it’s up and down (right now, down) but I’m determined to feel better about myself. It’s an uphill battle but it’s easier, so much easier, knowing I’m not alone. Thank you. And I’ll be joining you.
You are NOT alone, Julia. So many of us lack the confidence to even take control of our bodies. Good for you for starting the journey. Sometimes that’s the biggest obstacle!
Yes. Yes. I am an expert at looking at myself and laser focusing on all the things I hate. I think a lot of us are… but in turn so aghast at the things someone else mentions about themselves – I can’t believe you see those things about you, because when I met you, I never noticed a single one. Embracing the imperfections will be a true challenge for me. Embracing and simply accepting are very different.
Good point. There IS a big difference between accepting and embracing and acceptance sounds so complacent. We need to feel good – all of us!!
“Because sometimes I think the lack of physical confidence leeches into my personal and professional confidence.” <– This I am having first hand experience with this very thing lately and it's hard. So hard. You're lovely inside and out Fadra. Truly.
It’s the truth, right? I always get focused on the pretty people and then I feel inadequate and it shows through. How did our society become so vain? We need to fix this.
This post really resonates with me. I think women struggle with this much of their lives, but as I have begun to age – rapidly – it has gotten worse. There are some things I can control, and many things I can’t. Accepting the latter has been difficult for me.
This past weekend my 3yo daughter asked me, “Mommy, why are you sad?” Startled, I responded, “I’m not sad, sweetie. Why do you think I am?” She then pointed to my frown lines and my sagging cheeks and said, “Your face looks sad here.” I had to leave the room so she wouldn’t see me crying. She pointed out what I have been trying hard to ignore. What I hate about myself. She’s just a child; she didn’t mean anything by it. But those words cut me to my core.
I realize, however, that my daughter’s self-image will be largely shaped by my own. She will watch me, internalize the way I view/treat myself and respond accordingly. So I am in! It is important that I learn to love myself – imperfections and all – for me and for her! Thank you for your honesty and courage, my friend, in sharing this!
Elizabeth – that is so sad. Children have no filter on their honesty. I’ve gotten similar remarks about my tummy. My son is so good at encouraging me to feel good about myself. Can you believe it? Looking forward to you joining in.
Bravo. As someone who has spent most of her adult life riddled with eating disorders, I can totally relate to feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. I hate the thoughts I think about myself when I look in the mirror. You are a brave lady. I know we are pretty different – but I can honestly say that you have been a huge inspiration to me since I found you.
I’m in!
That means sooooo much to me. I guarantee we all here come from different backgrounds and all walks of life but we’ll all here with the same things we think about ourselves. I want to try to fix this.
I’m in. Except I’m perfect. NOT. Fadra, you put too much pressure on yourself! Starting at the top, your brains are amazing, your smile is infectious, your hugs are warm, and your feet walk the right path. We are all hard on ourselves, and we’re taught not to pimp ourselves out. But, you should! Also, you definitely should not give yourself a haircut. That’s setting yourself up for disaster.
You absolutely right. I think we ALL put too much pressure on ourselves. Instead of saying thank you for compliments, I ignore them. So I’m simply saying thank you. And too late on the haircut advice 😉
I’ve had moments like these so many times over the years and I’m so excited to see what your new project is all about. I’d be very happy to travel this journey along with you and others!!!!
So glad you’re here and you are excited!!
Two things: (1) I’m in. (2) Are my counseling sessions bugged…because this is exactly what we’re talking about right now. So, yeah.
I haven’t even started therapy and I already know what my issues are. Working on fixing them is another story…
Ok you. Fabulous, fun you. (tell your inner voice to shut it)
I turned 45 this year. Forty Frickin Five. In most surveys that moves you up to an entirely different age group. What have I done with my life? Is it possible to accomplish anything? Am I going to have more *FAT* years of my life than *thin*? And speaking of thin, what the hell is happening to my hair? And why are my eyebrows out of anything getting thicker?? My inner voice says such mean things that I really cannot repeat them here. But the truth is what I need to hear. The truth is I have a husband who adores me & still wants to have sex with me. Often. I have two incredible children who are becoming incredible young adults. I am making a difference every single day. And no, I may not be thin, but I’m going to rock what I’ve got and be as healthy as I can.My novel should tell you, I’m in.
Amen and amen. Did you ever notice that the thing about someone you might notice is their appearance but the thing you remember is their spirit and energy? A confident woman will hold my attention any day over a gorgeous one (and God bless those who are both!). We are fabulous, even if we have thinning hair and thickening waistlines.
I. Am. In. This is an excellent idea. I can’t wait to see how it shapes up.
Some of the smartest women I know are some of the least confident. Know what I mean?
LOVE this! And I would be thrilled to join you!
Thanks, Beth! So glad you’ll be along for the ride!
I’m all in. Good Lord, I’m in. This is so me, and my tendancy to embrace the perfect holds me back. LOVE. THIS.
I have a newsflash. There is NO SUCH THING as perfect. It’s a lie we’ve been believing in for years and it’s time to let it go!
This was incredible. I’m in.
Thank you and so glad.
In.
It’s gonna be fun. And a challenge. A fun challenge. Promise.
I am so on board with this! I end up thinking a lot of similar things like you said when I look in the mirror and I KNOW I shouldn’t be so down on myself but it’s really hard not to. I’ve often told my husband I wish that I could borrow his eyes so I could see what he sees. I’ve learned to acknowledge his compliments with “thank you for noticing” often in my best Eeyore voice because I really just don’t see what he’s saying. I’m looking forward to seeing what you do with this, I look forward to Embracing my Imperfections
You know what Gabriela? We are going to borrow his eyes. Our spouses are some of our biggest supporters and they’re going to help us with this project. So tell him to get ready.
Will do Fadra!
Who knew there is someone I so admire (albeit from afar) who shares my internal dialogue. Right down to the bumps on our noses. I sometimes wonder if those voices will ever go away, or if they’re my own little version of Cher. I’m in.
I’m not sure how old you are, Lisa, but the voices do go away. And then they come back saying different things as you get older. We need to try to get rid of them or at least tune them out!
Just so you know, this isn’t exclusive to you females. Or can I say chicks on your blog?
Two weeks ago, I turned 42. I have 15 pounds that just won’t go away no matter how many whatevers I do in the damn gym. I’m a month behind on publishing my great american novel. I just had to buy new reading glasses because my eyesight is that of a 123-year-old. I’m tired…all the effin time. And if any more gray shows up on my head, beard, eyebrows, nose, ears, or you know…then I’m just going to shave down like an olympic swimmer.
The cool thing about writing (you say blogging), is you run across people just as screwed up as you and they can relate and lift you. I think that’s what I’m trying to do here.
Hang in there, buckaroo. Life a lot better at these ages. so I’m told.
I love your blog.
Thank you for the compliment on my blog and thank YOU for raising the issue that it’s not always women who don’t like what they see in the mirror. When I turned 40, it was as if everything went downhill all at the same time. As you know, men are full of imperfections too 🙂 so I invite you to join us!!
Embrace it, baby. Isn’t it hard? I find it hard. I spent half of my life beating myself up for all manner of things, and I’m trying to spend the rest of the time I have left accepting the me I am and improving upon it. Not necessarily physically — I’m pretty sure the peak has passed — but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And I’d also like to be able to still open the peanut butter jar at 70.
Oh, the physical peak has passed in some way but did you ever really appreciate what you had? I think as we age, we have a chance to not only examine where we are physically in life but also the wisdom to finally appreciate it. At least that’s what I’m hoping. And yes, the mental/emotional/spiritual side of things is only getting better for me.
You are so wonderful, Fadra and so kind to everyone you meet. I’m in. I feel frumpy and fat and OLD every day. I wrote about feeling self-loathing all year in my turning 35 post, so hopefully we can all help each other to banish the self-loathing and love ourselves.
Thank you, Keanne. It’s such a struggle. Sometimes I love who I am on the inside but feel like the outside bogs me down. Other times I feel confident on the outside and feel like I’m failing on the inside. We have a lot of baggage we’re going to need to learn to let go of.
I posted a picture of myself yesterday on The Smile Epidemic website. It took me far too long to take the picture. While it’s not a good one, I finally just embraced the fact that it didn’t matter what I looked like. Count me in. We need to embrace our imperfections!
I looked at your picture. And the important thing was your smile. You were there embracing what made you smile, which lifts you spirit and your physicality.
Thanks, Fadra. You’re completely right. The whole point is that I was honoring what made me smile that day. Who cares what I looked like? Today is day 4 of my #30daysofsmiles. I already feel more appreciative of things around me. You should try it out!
Ah, the smile. I’ve practiced it in front of a mirror (so all my pics, you see me smiling!) If you perfect this smiling thing, at some point – you can pull it out and do it even if you are having a bad day.
if you think “you dont take good pics well” and hate having your photo taken, just practice it, in front of a mirror. soon enough, you’d be comfy enough to do it – and you’d always have that photo perfect smile.
having a bad day? Smile in front of a mirror, make sure your eyes do too. Funny enough, this lifts up my spirits.
Thanks, Stella! This is great advice. You made me smile. 🙂
How is this not every woman, every person? You are beautiful. I know this is what you needed to say and you aren’t surfing for compliments or awww, I don’t see you the way you see you, but it’s true; you’re beautiful. That does nothing long term for your self esteem, I know, but I still can’t help but wonder how is this not how everyone feels? It amazes me when I meet women who seem to always be confident (lying bitches!) or who are fully satisfied with how their life is at this moment. I am not. But. I am willing to follow your lead and say the hell with my nonboobs and braces at 38 for a row of teeth that will never, ever, forever ever amen, be fully straight and embracing the imperfection(s). Also, hell yes.
Hell yes! That’s the kind of fire we need. And yes, you said it all. You can tell me I’m beautiful over and over again and I’ll feel good in that moment. But until I feel I’m beautiful, it will simply be a fleeting compliment.
P.S. I wore braces for 5 years as a kid and 2 years as an adult and I’ve got nothing but imperfection!!
“Because sometimes I think the lack of physical confidence leeches into my personal and professional confidence.”
First time reader and poster…
I totally get that statement. I read a whole lot of me in this post. I’m very interested in your project. I’ll stay tuned.
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