You know what kind of bugs me? And it’s not an issue with anyone else. It is clearly an issue with me. But here’s what bugs me…
Every wedding anniversary, the multitude of pictures that appear in my timeline showing the most beautiful brides in these picturesque scenes with a nice long Facebook message espousing all the virtues of their husband. To paraphrase:
“To the most wonderful man I’ve ever met in my life. You make the sun rise in the morning and at night, you hang the moon and the stars. You are not only ruggedly handsome and at your goal weight, but you also are the most amazing father to our children. The restraint you show with your burp and fart jokes around them tell me how much you respect and love me. I am forever grateful that you chose me to share your life. I know it’s only a matter of time before you cure cancer!”
So why does it bug me? Shouldn’t I be happy for other people’s happiness? Is it my fault that I have poorly trimmed bangs in my wedding photo and therefore will never display it on Facebook? Can it be helped after 13 years of marriage that we’re not at our goal weight? COULD YOU JUST STOP LOOKING SO PERFECT AND MAKING ME WISH I HAD YOUR LIFE?
And then I calm down and have a glass of wine. My husband and I sit around sharing the drama from our day and all of the online worlds I live in all day slowly disappear from view.
My husband is the one I’m thankful for.
When our anniversary rolls around, I don’t post those quaint and classic wedding photos. Mainly because we didn’t have digital back then. And of course, the bangs.
In fact, I don’t post too many pictures of my husband. He’s an adult with his own life and privacy. I will, however, give him credit for usually going along with my online world of madness. He’s a good sport and plays along willingly, especially if there’s a wine tasting involved. I don’t happen to think marriage is something to be discussed or dissected online or even (especially) in real life.
But I’m not talking about my marriage. I’m talking about my husband. He’s not perfect. He screws up plenty and he knows it. And sometimes I don’t let him forget it (he calls it clipping coupons).
The fact of the matter is that the further away we get from our wedding date, the harder it is to remember the early years. We forget about the time when we had butterflies in our tummies wondering if the other person felt the same. We forget that when we used to travel for work, we’d run up $500 phone bills on our calling cards because we missed each other so much.
And, like any married couple, we’ve been through a lot together. Just a week and a half after we got married, he went in for outpatient surgery. I was so incredibly worried about him and all the nurses thought it was so cute. I still remember him coming out of his anesthesia-induced fog telling me how he was going to make me the best soups and buy me a really nice car.
Two years later, I strapped full braces on my teeth, an attractive look for a married woman. In addition to the braces, I suffered years of crippling headaches where, at times, I almost lost the will to live. Anxiety and depression have also reared their heads over the years as I learn I’m not always the most go-with-the-flow kind of person. I’m moody, irritable, controlling, emotional, and just hard to understand (aren’t we all?) And he puts up with it all.
I’ve always said that I married a difficult man and then add “but I’m a difficult woman.” I figure it balances out.
We’ve been through careers and crises, love and loss, crazy diets and excessive meals. It’s been a lot of ups and downs and we now have a little boy in the mix. Although I’m proud to say I’ve created a mini-me, I can’t deny that genetically he is most certainly 50% my husband. Together, our crazy couple of two has become a quirky little family of three.
So why write this now? It’s not my anniversary. It’s not quite Thanksgiving (although some would call it the season of thanks). I wanted to post something on Veterans Day but didn’t want to seem too cliche. It was a day, however, where I really thought about my husband, Sean. I’m proud to say he is a veteran. In fact, I know that the work that he did while in the military directly saved the lives of Americans and has actually helped make this world a better place. You can’t say that about too many men out there.
He’s not picture perfect on Facebook but he’s the strongest, bravest man I know and he would move mountains for his family. And he’s a softie when it comes to animals. But what I’m thankful for most of all is that he loves me for me. Something I’ll never quite understand.
THANKS HONEY!
21 comments
Love this. My husband’s not perfect and I don’t write those flowery posts either. But I’m not perfect, either. But I do love my husband more now than I did when we got married- it’s that we got through so much with each other and didn’t walk away. That I know that no matter what comes our way, we have each other to get through it(even if we might yell each other through it, depending on the circumstances).
I would love it if my husband cured cancer and lost 30 pounds but we’re all a work in progress. I’ve learned to develop patience over the years with that work. And also to become a better teacher. He can’t be a better husband unless I tell him EXACTLY what to do, right?
An excellent post Fadra. You would shocked to know that one of the number one search terms that brings people to our blog is “how to wish my hubby a happy birthday on Facebook”. Like, really? This is so difficult that you must take to the Google to help you? Huh. Anyway, I love that you were honest here about marriage. How it really is. Through the years.-Ashley
Thanks for the laugh (as usual), Ashley. I only wish my husband a happy birthday on Facebook because it would look really bad if I didn’t. He won’t get mushy messages from me. Not online anyway. Maybe in a card. And only if I’m in the mood. But he gets that 🙂
Oh I just want to give you a great big hug. I always wonder why on earth my husband has stayed with me for 16 years. I admit I am not an easy person to live with, but for some strange, wonderful reason… he loves me. I just need to accept it and stop trying to analyze it. Marriage is hard. Despite all those pretty wedding photos… everyone has a much more complicated story.
My husband doesn’t get that his most attractive quality is that he love ME. Out of all the people in the world, he picked me and stays with me! And you’re right. I doubt anyone has the “perfect” marriage and even if they did, it might look a whole lot different than my idea of perfect!
I love this Fadra! It’s so you and so funny yet heartwarming and yes even got me watery eyed. My husband has no online life and we’re both glad about that (I think one of us is more than enough). He is my world and yeah he’s kinda like yours and puts up with my crazy online life. Why? I have no idea either but I’m so glad he does.
I think men miss the fact that this is their greatest power over us. I’m lucky to have a husband that appreciates me (even when he forgets that he does).
Wow – I love, and could have written, this post. Well, except for the mini-me; we met in our 40s and, after 8 kids between the 2 of us, had passed our creation days.
I lost the one I’m thankful for last week. We would have celebrated 12 years together, in 2 days. Thank you for sharing and for firing up a long list of wonderful memories.
Oh Julie. I am so so sorry. I know you’ve been a caretaker for a long time but I’m sure that doesn’t make it any easier. I hope the memories help.
I totally get this! My husband’s birthday was last week and I did post a little ode to him on Facebook. But it was just little, and just said how much the kids and I love him. Honestly, it’s those of us who’ve been at this marriage thing for awhile who probably feel the MOST for our spouses.
The harder it gets, the more we appreciate the choices we make in the spouse we pick!
I made the mistake of trying to make my marriage all flowery and wonderful, posting things like that, and after the divorce I saw what I was doing.. trying to make it better on paper to maybe make myself feel better about the challenges we had and that ultimately ended our relationship. Not to say that people aren’t genuine when they write things like this, but for me… most of it was a stretch. I’m grateful for my relationship now and while I’ll post some sweet things here and there, for the most part I keep him all to myself and it’s simply because I don’t need to post all those sweet musings for the world.. i’m grateful for him and don’t have to tell the world.
Michelle – we’re all guilty of that. There’s what goes on in our homes and then there’s the face that we present to the rest of the world. I know couples breaking up right now and on the surface it’s easy to say who’s at fault and what went wrong. But there’s so much that goes on that no one really knows. As long as we know the truth, that’s what’s important!
Dear Abby: I did something totally scary today – I told my husband the truth about something he pissed me off about. Although we have been together 20 years, I am terrified to tell him when he pisses me off! What the hell is that? Fadra – do you tell your husband when he irritates you? How does he handle it?
signed, finding courage in Uganda. . . ;p
If this were year 1, 2, 3, etc., I probably wouldn’t have had the courage. I maybe would have feared his wrath (he tends to initially get VERY defensive any time I have a beef with him) and so I kept silent for many years. But that builds up a lot of uncomfortable feelings and it’s taken us 13 years to get to a place where we can talk CONSTRUCTIVELY to one another, as long as we say it out of love. And we’re still learning. Marriage is a process, isn’t it?
Really love this post and I can totally relate. I always wonder when I see those glorious posts on Facebook praising husbands. I’ve never done that because that’s just not who we are. After 13 years of marriage, nothing is perfect. But we still love each other, are genuinely interested in each other, he loves and accepts me for me, and he still makes me laugh. I’m glad there are others like me who feel the same way.
I can’t say I don’t wish I had that fairy tale life but I suspect there are more of us everyday married people out there than those writing glorious posts!
Very sweet! I also cringe at the “Happy Anniversary to the most wonderful man” posts on FB. Thanks for being real and showing that love doesn’t have to be flowery all the time.
I’m not sure our love has ever been flowery!
I cried. Haha. I just find it so sweet. Im not yet married im too young for that haha. You’re so cool both of you actually and your kid is so cute. <3 i have someone very special right now and hoping we end up in the altar. 🙂 this article is worth reading.