When was the last time someone did something nice for you?
And by “you,” I’m referring to all you moms out there.
It’s not that dads and childless men and women don’t deserve their own sort of kindness. It’s that moms somehow manage to create a breed all their own. And this breed can curse and swear and condemn and judge with the greatest of ease. But when it comes to complimenting? You can hear the crickets chirp.
We are the toughest on ourselves and on those around us. Is it because we’re jealous or have no sympathy for others? Is it because the failure of others makes us feel better about ourselves? I certainly hope not.
Deep within us is the spirit of kindness. Look at all the projects out there devoted to it.
We want to have better lives and we want to feel more enriched. We want to treat ourselves kindly and more importantly, we want to treat others kindly. Ideally, our kindness is met with gratitude and not suspicion, as Gretchen Rubin suggests.
So where does it begin? And how does it begin? It starts with one action from one mother to another.
I wrote a post almost a year ago about a stroller that I won. It was a beautiful stroller that I had absolutely no need for. Yet still I wanted it. I coveted it. I didn’t want to sell it either. I couldn’t use it and yet I didn’t want anyone else to use it. Sound selfish? Yes, it was. Very selfish. And the longer I let that stroller sit in my garage, the longer I knew I would feel that way.
The following week, I was expecting to meet an online friend for the first time in real life. I had been chatting with @mommythisnthat online for as long as I could remember but she was coming to my neck of the woods and wanted to meet.
Sure. Why not?
Melisa seemed nice enough and she was going to be a stone’s throw away so we made plans to meet at the local mall. I think it was the morning we were supposed to meet, or maybe the morning before, and I woke up and literally felt like I had a message from God. It was telling me to give the stroller to Melisa. Not only was she expecting her second child, but it was her birthday. It just seemed right and once I made up my mind, I didn’t hesitate for a moment.
We had a lovely visit (because she is just lovely). We chatted like old friends and I sent her on her way with the new stroller. I didn’t think much of it. A few weeks later, she wrote a beautiful post about it all that brought me to tears. It wasn’t the fact that she had publicly acknowledged what I did, it was the fact that she recognized that I did it simply because I wanted to.
Now before this starts to sound like some overblown post about how great I am, I promise I’m going somewhere with this.
People remember kindnesses, no matter how large or small.
In February 2010, we decided to take a last minute trip to Walt Disney World. My son had just turned three and seemed to be the perfect age. I, however, was the completely ill-prepared mom. I forgot that potty training often goes out in the window in the face of a Mickey Mouse-induced fun coma.
We were at Hollywood Studios inside a building when my son informed me that he has to go potty. NOW! I rushed out of the exhibit hoping to quickly find the nearest bathroom in the nick of time. I found the bathroom alright. However, the nick of time wasn’t on my side.
We entered the stall just in time for everything to break loose, just inches away from the toilet. And I brought no additional change of clothes for him. I had no idea what to do. None.
A stranger had heard my exasperated voice and knew exactly what was going on. Out of nowhere, a large diaper was handed under the stall with someone saying “Here, can you use this?”
“Oh, yes, thank you,” was the only reply I could manage. I put my son in a dry diaper, walked him out of the restroom and under the cover of my husband and the stroller, I went and searched desperately in the park for an alternate set of shorts.
(Side note: I ended up with a $35 Mickey Mouse sweatsuit that was only worn twice.)
That small act – the gesture of handing me that diaper when I was at my wit’s end – was virtually a lifesaving act for me. And I never had a chance to properly thank that mother.
These little acts of kindness from one mother to another are the ones that can mean so much. Now, I need your help.
This is a profoundly important topic for me and I’m working on a project about this very thing. What I would love to hear from you, what I need to hear from you, is that I’m not alone.
Please share with me whatever stories you have (great or small) about a time you helped a mother in need or that someone helped you in need.
Because we could all use a little more kindness in our lives.
23 comments
Fadra I am loving this post. The most recent thing I can think of also involves a diaper. We went to the hospital late at night the other month & my daughter leaked through her diaper & of course I didn’t grab any when we ran out the door. Once we were at the hospital I told my husband what had happened & a couple there with a little girl overheard us & offered us a diaper.
Before we moved I went through all of the kids toys, clothes, my clothes, shoes for all ages & a few other misc things. I boxed up over ten boxes & took them down to the local shelter. My hopes was for less fortunate families to be able to have some of the basics they may not have.
I love how the smallest things touch us. Something as simple as a diaper. And I loved that you paid it forward!
I had just lost a baby in my 2nd trimester. Less than 48 hours later, I was home from the hospital and had no idea what to do with myself. I was in pain (physically) and I was lost.
I remembered someone telling me that sometimes the only way to help ourselves is to help others.
There was a website (which sadly, I can’t remember now) that linked up people who needed help (physical, emotional, or financial) with people who could give it. I logged on and found a mother of 3 who had left an abusive husband. Her youngest was just a few months old. She was looking for work, living in a safe house, and needed help. But she didn’t ask for money. She asked for diapers.
It was that simple request that touched my heart.
I sent a few months’ worth of diapers to her (online shipping is a beautiful thing). She wrote me a beautiful letter with pictures of her kids.
And I took a step forward out of my loss.
I’m so sorry to hear about your baby. Its amazing that you were able to help someone else and lessen your own grief.
This is SUCH a beautiful story. I read it on Monday and got tears in my eyes. It’s amazing how taking the focus off of ourselves really helps heal what we’ve got going on inside. Beautiful.
What a beautiful post Fadra and just reminds us the kindness we can give to someone and make their day!
It only has to be something small. Usually the smaller, the more thoughful (at least in my experience).
I love to take food over to new mom’s so they don’t have to cook…and recently my friend who is just out of an UGLY divorce needed help getting her internet and cable setup so my hubby and I went and were her tech support for the evening.
Food is a big one. What was even better was the time my son’s sitter (I was working full time) surprised me by making me dinner for the family when I came to pick him up. She had it all packaged up and ready for me to take home. I wasn’t a new mom but I certainly was a frazzled mom and it made such a difference to me.
Great post. Really well done. I need to think about this, and I’ll get back to you.
Hope you’re thinking. I’d love to hear more stories.
This is probably one of my fave posts of yours, Fadra. You’re right– it’s those small things that matter most. Sadly, my mind is blank and I can’t think of a thing… but when I see an obviously angry or hardened person pass by me, I try to flash them a smile. Sometimes they just need a nice gesture thrown their way, even if the effect is minimal.
That reminds me of the time I had a rather rude girl helping me at a customer service desk. I looked at her and tried to really empathize and told her I really liked her sweater. Her demeanor changed immediately!
I think one of the greatest acts of kindness we Moms can share with one another is to stop judging. Have you ever seen that Mom at Target with the out of control kid thrashing around on the floor? The Mom is all red faced and sweaty- desperately trying to regain some control over the situation and embarrassed as can be? The greatest kindness at the moment is to meet her in the eye, smile, and tell her you “Sooo- get it, and have been there before too.” Ask if there is anything you can do- bring her a bottle of cold water? Offer to push her cart to the check out so she can make a quick exit?
Because we have ALL been there is some form at one time or another- and the nasty stares from strangers that say “You are a bad Mom” just make you feel worse. And before we judge- we need to consider- is this child out of control just because he/she is a “spoiled brat”… or could there be other issues at hand that you don’t know about (nor are they anyone’s business). Perhaps that child has been ill, perhaps they have a medical condition that causes behavioral issues. Perhaps that child has autism. The point is- we don’t know.. so we shouldn’t judge!
Kindness is always the best first action!
Love this post Fadra! Thank you!
Love this post 😉
Recently I had an incident when I took my 2 sons to the park for a playdate. They were completely defiant that day, which is SO not normal for them. But this time, they just wouldn’t listen to me, and went into the water a bit.. Anyhow, I was very flustered because it wasn’t bringing out the best in me and my friends with their children were behaving well.
So we were leaving the park, and they were running wild and all of a sudden I heard, “You’re not alone, don’t worry” come from a woman on a park bench with a newborn and 2 other kids. We briefly chatted and she provided me with something I really needed at that time.
This put a smile on my face, and totally made my day.
Thanks for this post Fadra, allowing us all to remember how good it feels to receive kindness and pay it forward!
OMG. I had the EXACT same thing happen to me. It was a few months ago and my son was not listening. I don’t remember the urgency but I remember angrily yelling at him to get his attention and then feeling superembarrassed thinking every mom must think I’m a HORRIBLE mother.
And then a woman looked at me and said “Don’t worry. It gets better.” And she said it in a very much “Been there, done that” reassuring tone. It helped so much.
Sharon – your comment gave me goosebumps. I once read a book called “The Elephant in the Playroom” about children with autism and other things. There is a story just like that. People watching an out of control child and making awful remarks about the mother and not ever realizing how the experience was actually a developmental stride.
Less judging. Amen and amen.
I love this. Its true, I completely remember little moments of kindness that were completely unexpected. We are so often, so unfortunately rude to one another. I like to believe, never intentionally, but still we are so wrapped up in our own lives we rarely acknowledge the troubles others have. Something simple like handing you that diaper, acknowledged your trouble and you remember it still.
It’s always those small moments that stand out in my mind and I’m sure in other’s minds too.
Thank you for the beautiful post! You’ve read my recent rants about the complete opposite of which you write about which makes me appreciate your post that much more. I’m sure I have stories, lots of them that I can’t think of right this minute. I’ll email you.
Would still love to hear your stories. It’s so nice to remember the good things to help outweigh the bad. I’m no Suzy Sunshine but a positive outlook can change a LOT.
I loved reading this post. These random acts of kindness seem to happen a lot for me whether I’m giving or receiving them. The most recent incident for me was through a text conversation between my sister-in-law and myself. Out of the blue she started telling me what a great mom I am. She said that recently her son was having a melt down over family’s house and her uncle had told her it didn’t mean she was a bad mom and she realized how nice it is to just hear that once in a while. She wanted for me to hear what a good mom she thinks I am “just because”. It was such a small thing, but it made such a big impact.
You have no idea how close your comment hits to home. I think you’re really going to like the project I’m working on. Can’t wait to talk more about it! And you’re right. Words are powerful, especially when they are heartfelt.