To Open Push Here: The Bane of My Existence

Pardon the interruption but I’m going to spend some time going a little “Seinfeld”.

If you are reading this, then I know that you, too, watched one of the most popular sitcoms of all time. And as you may recall, said sitcom was founded on the premise of nothing. Yes, the nothingness that makes up our daily lives. Nothingness in all its glory.

And while there are big, heavy, deep topics ever brewing in my head, it’s nice to take a little detour to nothingness once in a while and talk about the little things. I don’t mean the little things that make you smile and pause and appreciate life. I mean the little things that abso-frickin-lutely annoy the crap out of you. Well, the things that annoy the crap out of ME, anyway.

So here is the bane of my existence summarized in 4 words To Open Push Here.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. Pretty much every cardboard box of processed food at the grocery store has the same idea. I mean, really, can’t we find a more high-tech way to open boxes?

I’ll tell you why I have this request.

To put it very simply, ummm, have you ever tried to open a box of macaroni and cheese by delicately pushing in the pseudo-perforated semi-circle on the side?

I will crush the entire side of the box in before I make any progress in “pushing” the box open.

Perhaps the issue is mine. I’ve always assumed that when I read those instructions, they were referring to my finger actually doing the pushing. I’m quite sure a hammer and chisel would work. Or a Slim Jim. Or an ice pick. Or ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY FINGER.

Anyone have a cat?

Ever see those simple instructions on the side of the cat litter box? If the folks at the food plant think they are toying with us with their packaging, the people at the cat litter factory are just downright cruel. Push in and pull back, the box gently commands. Oh, just tap, tap, tap here and your box will magically open. Well, if it takes an ice pick to open a macaroni and cheese box, think pick axe for a cat litter box.

In all seriousness, it is the most ridiculous form of packaging in existence (correct me if I’m wrong).

I actually don’t even attempt it anymore. I either take a sharp knife and stab the end open a couple of times or take my chances with my fingernails and slowly pry the glued flaps open. Either way, the result is the same.

In summary, here is a general plea to all package producers out there and I think I speak for all/most of America:

I ask that you rethink your packaging. The box is fine. I actually recycle my boxes now too. Just save your money: leave off the semi-circle, lighten up on the glue, and let me open it the old-fashioned way.

This has been your moment of nothingness. Thank you.