Today is October 30th, 2010. In exactly one month, I will forever say goodbye to my thirties.
I’ve never been one to dwell on age. I do think, for the most part, age ain’t nothing but a number. I don’t believe in cutting my hair short to look like a mom. I don’t believe in trading my low-rise bootcut jeans for the mom jeans. I act young. I’m silly with my son. I’m goofy with my husband. And they love me for it.
However…
Yes, this is the however part.
My body is betraying me. Or rather I’m betraying my body. I’m soft around the middle. My neck is starting to sag. And yes, I finally have some gray hairs growing in. I used to think that I felt young inside even though I didn’t look as young on the outside. But times are a-changin’ and I don’t feel that young on the inside anymore either.
I get night sweats. My bones ache. I’m tired all the time. I have no muscle tone. I eat the wrong foods, even though I know the right ones to eat. I probably have a glass of wine too many. And I sit. All day.
I’m writing, I tell myself. I work on my computer, I tell myself. It’s too hot outside. It’s rainy. It’s a little chilly. I don’t feel that great today. I don’t have time.
Apparently, I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t have time to move. I don’t have time to walk the dog. I don’t have time to take care of myself. And while I feel like I’ve spent the last year discovering myself and loving myself on the inside, I’ve ignored myself on the outside. And now I loathe that person on the outside.
Self-loathing is a stifling thing. It leads to not caring about a lot of things. I’m not going to let that happen.
40 years old is a milestone. My mother loved turning 40. She said it was turning 35 that was hard for her. For other friends, it’s been turning 30. For my sister, it was hitting 40. I think birthdays can be tough because we force ourselves to look back at what we’ve done and who we are. And we inevitably assess how our bodies are handling aging. My body is right on track for a 40 year old but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to fight it.
Over the summer, one of my friends from high school lost her husband. Her high school sweetheart. He was only 40 years old. This year, she will celebrate her 40th birthday without him. It gives me pause. I am thankful to be here to turn 40. I am thankful to have my family. I am thankful to have my friends. I am thankful to have my health. And I am thankful that I am waking up to the fact that these bodies we have are on loan.
I don’t know what my plan is or how I’m going to start loving my body again. But I’m going to do it. And I only have one month to get started on the right path.
Would love your advice if you have any 🙂
15 comments
You’re a hot momma and such an awesome person. At twenty-nine, I still feel the same things that you’ve described. It’s a slow decline after tnwety-five, I think :). You’re doing a fantastic job at all that you do… an extra glass of wine is required.
Now see, I post stuff like this on Saturdays because I figure no one will really read it. And then you go and read and leave such a nice comment. Thanks, babe. I’ll have an extra glass tonight in your honor.
If you’re having wine in honor of folks, have one for me too!
I think you can start small…maybe to get moving you can tie it in with the amount of time you spend in front of the computer. If you spend an hour on the computer you need to spend 30 minutes outside walking or something. I don’t believe you can do too much to fast otherwise you get burnt out and give up. Or maybe that’s just me??
And for the record, you don’t look anywhere near 40!
If I spent 30 minutes exercising for every hour in front of the computer, I’d have to extend the day to 62 hours 🙂 Seriously, our advice is well taken. Small changes and choices will add up. I’m working on it.
Well I reached this milestone a little ahead of you. And I was fine with the number. Hubby threw a huge party, even though I protested and was very pregnant. It was a blast. But, like you, I have seen changes in my body the last year or so that I really do not like. Some things, like the neck droop and wrinkles, there isn’t much that you can do about. But I did get back in to Pilates, and that helped my body image tremendously. I do Winsor Pilates DVDs in the privacy of my own home. 20 minutes, 3 times a week. The results are AMAZING. And it is difficult to claim I can’t find the time. I also try to walk whenever possible. The fresh air, along with the exercise, do me a world of good.
Wait, I just realized something. We have the same birthday, girl!!! (11/30)!!! But I will be 42 this year.
I am surprised but accepting of some of the changes in my body. I guess the number bothers me a bit because my MOM was 40. I mean, I can’t be 40. That’s just for moms. Oh wait. I guess I’m one of them.
I do love pilates and I think it’s my core weakness right now that I’m really feeling. I used to do a yoga/pilates class that I loved but couldn’t keep up with the schedule. I think I’m going to try to fit it in to my routine at home. No, I’m GOING to. Can’t wait to wish you a happy b-day!
I had a dream about you last night Fadra – that you dyed your hair blonde, and you looked totally different. Then I come here and read this post!
Mate, I hear you. I hated turning 30 – my God I thought my life was over. I’m 38, in a few months will be 39. I can’t WAIT to turn 40, I always thought it would be terrible, but bring it on baby. Every decade seems to get better, like I’m a cheese. I feel much more confident, wiser, sure of myself in the world. And on the days I feel all f*cked up … meh. No biggie.
I guess this make you a beautiful sagittarius, a wild pony, like my Max. xox
I’m embracing my dark side still. I was heavy into the blond highlights but the dark hair feels so much more me. I actually didn’t mind 30. I had just gotten married and started to feel comfortable with who I was. I definitely floundered in my 20s. If I can get back in touch with the body of mine, I think I’ll be cool with it. I mean, I guess if I truly hated it, I wouldn’t be announcing it to the world.
I love that. A wild pony. Thanks, my friend.
P.S. I frequently lurk on your blog. I’m just a lazy commenter sometimes 😉
I didn’t know that you are 39! You’re hot! Age is only a number Fay-dra.
Dammit, I am hot. Thanks, babe.
Darling!
I’m ChildWillRead from #Blogchat…
Loved this post. I’m 57 now, and still having fun. The best things in life for me began after I turned 40.
Definitely avoid the self-loathing like the plague. It only does damage.
Cherish what you have, and don’t worry about anything you’ve missed. Because it doesn’t change anything, and it takes energy.
I think you are on the absolute right path, and will definitely read you again, and, I suspect, often!
Best of luck to you with your unemployed new life! It happened to me to, for slightly different reasons; but I’ve moved on and instead of teaching in a classroom, I’m now beginning to blog and teach online.
Thus far, 2 months in, I love it! (Though techy details are taking tons of time from my writing and teaching time. But I know that too shall pass. 😉 )
Paula – so sorry I never had a chance to thank you for stopping by my blog. Instead of gearing up for the winter, I’m trying to think spring already with lots of opportunity for new growth 🙂
Fadra,
I appreciated this post so much. Mostly because it is a struggle for me as well. Balance, balance, balance. And I don’t even have babies. So no good excuse for a soft mid-section.
I have found that finding a community of health and wellness has helped me stay engaged. For me, my community is Sync Studios (cycling and yoga) in Durham.It’s not enough for me to pay a gym membership. I get lost in gyms. I need to be engaged with other folks.
Keep at it, sister! You are doing so much awesome work.
Best,
Somer
Hey Somer – in case no one told you, life hands you that soft belly whether you have babies or not. It’s just a little softer for some of us. Love yoga. I do so much better in a studio. I love Wake Forest Yoga. I just haven’t figured out a schedule yet where I can get it back into my life.
I DO think that these milestone birthdays are chances for us to take assessment of our lives, and if we have issues with a certain age, it’s more than likely a result of not being where we think we should be in our lives. (good heavens! run on sentence, much?)
I LOVED turning 30 — I was recently divorced, dating a hottie, and happy with how life was going. At 35, I was happily married, balancing a blended family, and pregnant with the twins.
I think I will be OK with 40 — provided I take steps NOW to feel better in my own skin/body. For the first time in 5 years,I’m NOT pregnant or breastfeeding, and I’m trying to figure myself out again.
I think you should chronicle your path to ‘loving your body again’, as it will challenge us all to do the same.