Today is October 30th, 2010. In exactly one month, I will forever say goodbye to my thirties.
I’ve never been one to dwell on age. I do think, for the most part, age ain’t nothing but a number. I don’t believe in cutting my hair short to look like a mom. I don’t believe in trading my low-rise bootcut jeans for the mom jeans. I act young. I’m silly with my son. I’m goofy with my husband. And they love me for it.
Yes, this is the however part.
My body is betraying me. Or rather I’m betraying my body. I’m soft around the middle. My neck is starting to sag. And yes, I finally have some gray hairs growing in. I used to think that I felt young inside even though I didn’t look as young on the outside. But times are a-changin’ and I don’t feel that young on the inside anymore either.
I get night sweats. My bones ache. I’m tired all the time. I have no muscle tone. I eat the wrong foods, even though I know the right ones to eat. I probably have a glass of wine too many. And I sit. All day.
I’m writing, I tell myself. I work on my computer, I tell myself. It’s too hot outside. It’s rainy. It’s a little chilly. I don’t feel that great today. I don’t have time.
Apparently, I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t have time to move. I don’t have time to walk the dog. I don’t have time to take care of myself. And while I feel like I’ve spent the last year discovering myself and loving myself on the inside, I’ve ignored myself on the outside. And now I loathe that person on the outside.
Self-loathing is a stifling thing. It leads to not caring about a lot of things. I’m not going to let that happen.
40 years old is a milestone. My mother loved turning 40. She said it was turning 35 that was hard for her. For other friends, it’s been turning 30. For my sister, it was hitting 40. I think birthdays can be tough because we force ourselves to look back at what we’ve done and who we are. And we inevitably assess how our bodies are handling aging. My body is right on track for a 40 year old but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to fight it.
Over the summer, one of my friends from high school lost her husband. Her high school sweetheart. He was only 40 years old. This year, she will celebrate her 40th birthday without him. It gives me pause. I am thankful to be here to turn 40. I am thankful to have my family. I am thankful to have my friends. I am thankful to have my health. And I am thankful that I am waking up to the fact that these bodies we have are on loan.
I don’t know what my plan is or how I’m going to start loving my body again. But I’m going to do it. And I only have one month to get started on the right path.
Would love your advice if you have any 🙂