I always say that writing on a Sunday morning results in a much different post than when I write on a Saturday evening. Yesterday, I was in a bit of a funk and simply forgot about my post. And then this morning the internet was down and my site was down. So I guess this was the post I was meant to write at the time I was meant to write it. And I didn’t even watch the clock today.
Here’s my 5 minute brain dump…
Lately, it feels like a brain dump is more like a confessional. A place to rest my head and my thoughts. Because I’m struggling right now. I’m struggling with feeling good physically and mentally. And more than anything, I’m simply bored.
Although I love how the world of social media is different every day, I don’t have any professional goals. I want some. I just don’t know what they should be. So my working feels like I’m simply pedaling a bicycle on a flat stretch of road and the scenery is getting boring after a while and I’m simply feel complacent.
And yesterday, a SATURDAY of all days, the day of all days, the day to unplug and unwind. The day of freedom and sleeping in and staying up late. And I was bored. It was too chilly for me to go outside for some much needed outside time. So I sat in front of the computer reading status after status of Facebook. And I felt like I had seen it all and done it all on the internet. I just couldn’t figure out what to do with myself.
When I get like this, I feel like I’m going to implode. So I decided that I needed some exercise and outside alone time was how I was going to get it. It turned out that it was as cold as I thought. I took a short walk, chatted with some neighbors but still had that unsettled internal feeling.
I stopped near a local creek and watched down the hill at the small waterfall that the melting snow was creating. I leaned against a guardrail just staring at the water when I noticed two women coming my way while walking their dogs. I’m sure I looked like someone who was contemplating a jump (although a jump would have simply resulted in me tumbling down the hill into the creek).
And it was so peaceful I decided I wanted to share that moment. I pulled up this crazy new livestreaming app called Meerkat and showed the world my little waterfall. Which then turned into a 20 minute walk along the muddy bank of the creek while I brought the internet along with me. 23 people watched me on my walk. For some reason, that made it feel more worthwhile. I was craving the alone time but I also felt a surge of excitement as I shared my alone time.
All that to say, I think I’m hitting midlife fast and hard and I’m struggling to make my way through it.
What are you struggling with re: midlife? Is your teen daughter frequently reminding you of how old you will be when your current age doubles, i.e., probably dead? Because that hasn’t been happening to me all week.
Oh, it’s not even the age thing. I THOUGHT that bothered me. I think it’s more of an identity thing. Thinking about, am I the person I wanted to be? And if not, why not? And why not NOW??? Things I thought I didn’t care about, I actually DO care about. Real specific, huh?
And I am so with you on this except it’s things I thought I cared about, I actually don’t care about at all. I want to care, but I just don’t. And yes to bored. I think after some time it just feels like we are doing the same things over and over again. I finally feel the seasons changing (because they actually are) and that usually tells me what I always forget – winter hits me HARD. It sucks me dry and I don’t even know it until spring. Then I am like OHHHHH YEAAAAAH.
I feel like and I’m HOPING that a big part of it is weather. But I also think a big part is my physical inactivity. I’m trying to be more efficient online so that I can spend more time offline.
Oy. I feel you. Except I am never the “b” word (bored) too bloody busy with life to be that. My post reflects that. I sat down to write for five minutes and I was hammered with several other people’s urgencies and I swear to whomever one calls the big whatever I wanted to harm someone. I didn’t, but I wrote. Thank goodness I rediscovered SOCSunday this morning. I needed it so much. And now I need to go out to the dryer so I can be sure I have something clean to wear to the play and then the art show I am a part of today. Rest? Relax? That must be someone else’s life. Your walk, that was a fun point of wandering. I’m glad you did it. Its even slightly fun you had 23 people along for the journey. This long comment is another form of procrastination. Oh, and I’ll share love when I get home from the art show. Muahhhhh!!!
I’m thinking busy is the antithesis of boredom. I always long for my free and unstructured time but I probably feel most satisfied when I have deadlines and meeting and something to give me structure (and a sense of purpose in my day). I’m glad you’re back. Getting ready to stop over!
I think this winter has been one that has made it especially hard to find joy and inspiration and purpose. I loved your description of getting out into nature (despite the chilly temperatures) and refreshing yourself while still staying connected (via Meerkat) to others. I hope you get a spark from the experience!
I think the season has a LOT to do with it because I felt the same ay last year (when the weather was even worse). I’m longing for the warmth promised by spring!
Oh Fadra! I feel your pain. Sometimes I feel so content where I am and then I will get the feeling that everyone is doing so much more than me. I am not competing with them, just recognizing that there are more ways that I can do what I do.
Once this crazy weather clears I do think you will feel like things will be a bit clearer…that is what I am clinging to.
This is a hard thing to admit.I know exactly what you mean by bored. Plenty to do but it’s the same things day after day. I also think the weather can put you in a funk. We don’t have that cold and snow like you do. For me it’s raining and cloudy and I didn’t realize I was feeling so bad until the sun comes out. Hope you get some sun soon. We should have sun at 5:00 today with 57 degrees but it’s so grey right now I’m not hopeful.