I have a little bit of a challenge for you this week. This is indeed a free writing exercise. It is a brain dump. But it’s also a stream of consciousness. I’m going to challenge you to go deeper. Before you sit down to write, think about what’s really in your head. Then write about it. For 5 minutes. That one thing. It doesn’t mean your keyboard won’t take you other places but let it flow. Try not to jump from one subject to another. Let your mind go deeper. Or as my husband likes to say, “Open your mind, Quaid.”
Side note: that’s a reference from the move “Total Recall.” We love Arnold movies.
I first experienced this when I started taking medication a few years ago. An anti-depressant. I remember a friend telling me that “it just takes the edge off.” It took more than the edge off for me. I remember watching commercials that would normally make me bawl. I remember experiencing feelings of sadness yet felt unable to cry. Emotional numbness.
It wore off. I got better. I changed up my dosage and life went back to normal. But I’m starting to feel that numbness again. This time, it has nothing to do with medication. I recognize it as a defense mechanism. I bottle up my emotions and then wait to let them out in a rage or a flood. Yelling or crying. In the meantime, I stay neutral.
I hate it. Our lives are in transition right and when I say transition I mean that I know what we’re transitioning from. I just don’t know what we’re transitioning to. And it’s the waiting and the unknowing that has me all in knots. I think as a defense mechanism, I’ve shut down a bit.
And one of my favorite songs came into my head the other day. One that I recommended to a friend of mine going through a similar time. “Waiting for My Real Life to Begin” by Colin Hay (from Men at Work). But you have to listen to the words.
Any minute now, my ship is coming in.
I keep checking the horizon.
And I’ll stand on the bow
and watch the waves come crashing.
Come crashing down, down down, on me.
I’m waiting for my real life to begin.
My life is here and now. But I’ve always dreamed, hoped, felt and believed in bigger and better things. What things, I don’t know but I’m still waiting for my ship to come in.