I’m sorry. I have to apologize in advance. This is a heavy one. My mind is all over the place and I still need to write. I still need to share. And even when I can’t disclose specifics, I still need to write. So again, I’m sorry for my inane ramblings but I guess these 5 minutes we spend writing every week are really for us.
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Writing has really become my outlet. But there are some things that for me, like with most bloggers, are too personal to share. And what do you do with feelings that you have? Feelings that you want to get out and write about but you can’t?
One big problem with social media is that we share a lot of our lives unfiltered. It’s refreshing. It’s relieving. But it can also be hurtful. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I feel a sickening knot in my belly. A knot that tells me that my life is not where I want it to be right now.
And why isn’t wine enough? I’m a wine drinker. i love to drink wine. A nice Chardonnay, preferably. But I like wine in the evenings. To relax. To take the edge off. Lately, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to take the edge off. I want it to remain front and center. I want to see it, feel it, experience it. I don’t want to dull the pain.
(as I sit here drinking my glass of Chardonnay)
I also find that when I do put a filter on my writing, I tend to be at a loss for words. I don’t know how to write about anything else other than that which is present in my mind. I keep living day to day. I’m watching my life happen. I’m watching other lives happen. I’m still waiting for the manual so I know what I’m supposed to be doing. And what I need to know is that even without the specifics, does anyone get this garbled mess of words? Or is it time to commit myself?
44 comments
I So know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I need an anonymous blog on which to spill my guts.
Let me know if you start one 😉
I completely understand what you mean. I go through ups and downs of the exact same feeling. There are times when I wish I had an anonymous blog to write about certain areas or people in my life.
I think that’s why Scary Mommy’s confessional has done so well. We all need that outlet.
Fadra, I do feel you on that. Only I wish that I could relate to the drinking the wine part… as that’s just now becoming a habitual thing. However, the personal part… the wanting to write about things that you really wanted to share, but is too personal to get out. Knowing you need to filter yourself, suppress your feelings so that you don’t hurt others… but in the end, it usually just keeps you frustrated, and your feelings hurt. (At least I’m speaking for myself).
There are days were I just wish that I could write, this is a situation that happened, this is how I feel, this is what happened, am I crazy? Am I the only one that thinks this isn’t right? But I know that the person, or situation I was writing about would know exactly what I was talking about, and it would cause more DRAMA, that I was writing about.
I’ve learned to write how I’m feeling without really saying who or what. Sometimes it’s kind of fun to write in code when only you really know what you’re talking about. But when it comes to my family, I do need a filter. But I probably need a friend too to pour my heart out to.
I don’t know if it’s good for us or bad for us that I totally understand what you’re getting at. Hopefully it will all make its self clear soon.
You are the queen of mysteries so I’m quite sure you understand where I am!
I understand exactly where you are coming from. I sometimes wish that I had started blogging under a pseudonym, so that I could write about some of the issues that I have to censor/filter now. It would be very freeing to be able to assign false names to people and places, to write about every little thought that pops into my mind without fear of hurting those around me and airing others’ dirty laundry. It makes it very hard to write at times, the self-imposed censorship of having my real name attached to my blog.
Most of the time, there’s nothing that I really need to keep secret. If I worked a regular day job, I would definitely have to censor myself so I’m glad I don’t have that. Right now, I just need to remember that not everything that pops into my head needs to go on my blog.
Besides, that’s what Twitter is for 😉
That totally happens to me. I hate when there’s something I can’t write about, but it’s so importnat that I can’t write about anything else. It happens to me a lot lately. It makes me so frustrated and makes me feel like I’m fiull of crap when I write about something else. SOrry you’re so frustrated. Hope it passes soon.
I think that’s when “fluff pieces” sometimes get published on my blog and many times those are the pieces that get the biggest responses. Maybe angst is the key to good writing??
I say write. Write what you want about how you feel and who is or isn’t bothering you…but never hit publish. Maybe that will help you to feel less frustrated?
My friend…we share a lot of the same qualities…as just the other day I wished for a manual on life so I knew what I should be doing. Lately I’ve been feeling so out of sorts and like I am going through the motions without really feeling anything…
After I wrote this, I was seriously not going to publish it. I waited a few hours and was going to do another post. But then I thought, this whole exercise is about letting your mind spew. So I did it.
Wish you lived closer…
Sometimes I think that feeling the pain – reveling in it, somewhat – makes it easier to figure out how to move past it and move on. Hang in there, sweetie…
Yup. You’re absolutely right. Ignoring things in hopes they will go away only makes things worse.
I’ve been thinking of putting a dad disclaimer at the top of certain posts I wish I could write. Like, “Dad, trust me, skip reading my blog today.” That way I don’t feel the need to filter. Why did I let my parents in on my blog?
I think your SOCSunday is genious by the way…hopefully your 5 minute dump helped you. I know it helps me any day of the week!
I think it helped in that I got it out. I got something out. And yes, I wish I had an exclude button so that some posts were only available to certain people 🙂
Hope things get better. It’s such a bummer to have a knot in your stomach and not be able to express how you are feeling. Sending good vibes…
I can say this, at least… today was a better day 🙂
I totally get it. Some of the topics I need to talk about the most involve my family, namely my SIL to be, and she reads my blog. It leaves me not knowing WHAT to say.
I think you need to get creative with your writing. Think of parables from the Bible. Stories that were told to convey messages. They weren’t true but they got the point across. I think there are plenty of ways to tell stories that your SIL needs to hear and it will have so much more meaning if she actually learns something without you telling her or offending her!
Yep. I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I am living two lives since I cannot blog about what is really going on. It is very stifling. Totally understand and hugs to you.
Maybe we all just need this private community to go and spill it all. But at the same time, I think it’s good sometimes to keep some things private. It forces you and you alone to deal with it and, in turn, make you stronger.
I can really relate to this post. It’s tough trying to balance the personal need for some privacy online and the other need and desire to reveal, share, and be candid for the sake of mental clarity and for the sake of hearing others say that they “get it or you,” someone beyond the voice in your head.
Yes, exactly. You said exactly what I was trying to say only you did it much better in a comment.
This is exactly why I don’t want my IRL and Online lives to cross. Like you, when I filter, I’m at a loss for words. I need to just say what I need to say and be done with it. Otherwise it’s all contrived and forced and sounds phoney to me. I also understand that some things are just too much to share online with the public at large. I quit posting for pretty much a year when I was going through something huge but didn’t feel like I could/should post about it. I couldn’t post about anything else because this event was at the forefront of my mine every time I sat down to write. Eventually I was able to deal with it and process and come to a peace that allowed me to move past it. I hope that you find the balance you are looking for and the focus you are wanting.
I think if I ever created an anonymous persona, it would bring out the worst in me. There are so many times I’d love to go on a politically incorrect rant. But sometimes I think that would just perpetuate the negative thoughts I have instead of forcing me to focus on the positive.
Hi!
This is my first time linking up.
I have found that when I try to filter my thoughts it makes it harder to write. And I filter not because people know I blog but because I am scared that people I know will find my blog.
My plan? A blog set up so that only I can see it. So that I can write unfiltered. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.
I’m glad you joined our happy little family! I find that honest writing attracts the most readers. It’s just making sure the honest writing focuses on YOU. Who knows – maybe people will get to know the real you!
I hear you!!! Wine actually doesn’t help that self-censoring either! That’s why I head over to forums at times! It is a shame because sometimes I feel that dumping it out there really helps!
Have you visited Scary Mommy’s confessional? There is some serious stuff that gets dumped there. I’ll admit that I’ve posted 2 or 3 times there. But yeah, wine and writing – not always a good combo. I save that kind of night for Twitter 😉
I am with Melissa, as I say write, as well. That’s what I do. Things are on my mind and I write about them. Who is anyone to say I can’t do so in my space? There are things I choose to keep private for my own reasoning, but there are things I want to share and so I do. It’s what makes you comfortable, though, so if you should decide – as you have – that you’re not comfortable sharing certain things, then don’t. I sound like I’m double-talking here, but you have to do what works for you! I linked up today – by the way – with a somewhat similar and yet not kind of SOC. 😉
I know what you’re saying. I’m pretty open and honest and it feels pretty good. I don’t mind disclosing things about myself. It’s when it comes to other people, especially in my family that I want to put more thought into what I say and how I say it.
That is why I developed this account… so I wouldn’t feel the need to filter. I am someone who filters in real life, so it has carried over to my social networking anyway though. over to my social networking anyway though.
Because you are a lady, Lynn. If we all walked around saying exactly what we felt all the time, we wouldn’t really have any friends. I’m the same way. There’s is always some sort of filter going on otherwise my writing would just be too selfish.
Completely agreed, lady.
This completely hits home for me. I started sharing a little more of my less sure feelings because I felt I wasn’t necessarily being authentic by only presenting one side of my life. Actually, you are one of my inspirations for more authentic/personal writing.
There are some things that are just best left unsaid, though.
I find that when I write completely openly and honestly, I like my writing the best and so do readers (I think, based on comments). I’ve never been one for filtering but one thing I don’t like to do is hurt other people’s feelings. So from that perspective, yes, some things are best left unsaid.
P.S. You are awesome.
This completely hits home for me. I started sharing a little more of my less sure feelings because I felt I wasn’t necessarily being authentic by only presenting one side of my life. Actually, you are one of my inspirations for more authentic/personal writing.
There are some things that are just best left unsaid, though.
My sister and I were just talking about this- filtering thoughts but not wanting to be boring. My cousin (who has all sorts of issues) wrote a terrible post about how disappointed he was that my sister and I were both pregnant with “rich white babies”….I know he has no idea that I followed his blog and read it. But, I did. That’s always in the back of mind when I start a post about family…
Wow. I feel kind of speechless. This is where my filtering comes in. I try to write openly and honestly but never anything that I think would truly hurt someone to read. What your cousin wrote is just awful. Maybe you need to remind him that blogging is a public forum and that words can hurt.
Sometimes people get behind a computer and think it gives them a license to say whatever they want.
“I also find that when I do put a filter on my writing, I tend to be at a loss for words.” – this line stopped me short. Because, well, EXACTLY. this is why I don’t post very often, why I find myself struggling when I get all strict and say YOU. MUST. POST. TODAY. I am so expert at second-guessing my thoughts, filtering what I say to the point of insipid, that I’d rather just say nothing at all. Which is really not all that cool when it comes to blogging. Luckily there’s SOCSunday for people who need to be forced to remove the filter, even if people don’t get exactly what you mean.I also find that when I do put a filter on my writing, I tend to be at a loss for words.” – this line stopped me short. Because, well, EXACTLY. this is why I don’t post very often, why I find myself struggling when I get all strict and say YOU. MUST. POST. TODAY. I am so expert at second-guessing my thoughts, filtering what I say to the point of insipid, that I’d rather just say nothing at all. Which is really not all that cool when it comes to blogging. Luckily there’s SOCSunday for people who need to be forced to remove the filter, even if people don’t get exactly what you mean.
It is hard to balance the need to share/vent and the need to not expose family issues they would’t want you to share.