There’s a pretty famous song called “Suicide is Painless.” I bet you know it even if you don’t think you do. It’s the theme song from the movie and TV show M*A*S*H.
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger…watch it grin, but…Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
‘is it to be or not to be’
and I replied ‘oh why ask me?’‘Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
…and you can do the same thing if you choose.
Suicide isn’t painless. For some, it’s a hopeful end to suffering, either mental or physical. Or it’s the ultimate revenge for a jilted lover. But for most, it’s the last act of despair.
Unless you’ve been in a desperate situation like this, you probably can’t relate. You can’t relate to the feelings someone is having in the moment. You can’t possibly understand the potential lifetime of suffering a person has endured. And you can’t simply make it all better.
I’ve never been suicidal. But I can tell you that a few years after I got married, I developed excruciating headaches. They started out as a pain in the right side of my head. I would take some Advil and lay down. Then one day my husband came in from outside and saw me laying down on the couch with tears quietly rolling out of my eyes. I wasn’t sad or upset. I was in pain and couldn’t make it go away.
After a while, the Advil didn’t help. I went to doctors and neurologists. I had a CAT scan and an MRI. Nobody could find anything. More importantly, nobody could give me any relief from the pain. It was so severe that it literally felt like someone was stabbing the side of my head with an icepick. It was almost constant.
I stopped working, I stopped eating, I stopped laughing, I stopped living. I couldn’t bear to do simple things like sing to a song on the radio. Because the pain was all-consuming. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to live in pain. I couldn’t bear to live in constant and excruciating pain. I told myself and even my husband that if I was destined to live out my life in that kind of pain, that I didn’t want to go on living.
I was not suicidal. I didn’t want to die. I wanted the pain to stop. I remember watching a show about a little girl who had half of her brain removed due to cancer. She suffered with crippling headaches for over 2 years. She lived through it. It made me want to live through it.
Thank God I found a medication that helped (one that I still say saved my life, even though they took it off the market). We never found a cause but speculated it was related to orthodontic work I was having done. I still get twinges of pain every once in a while. It’s a reminder to me of how bad it used to be and how good it is now.
Depression and mental illness causes pain too. And again, if you’ve never suffered, it’s something you can’t fathom. You can’t take a pill and magically be all better. It’s complicated. I know because I’ve suffered in that arena too. About a year after my son was born, I experienced severe insomnia and depression. There was no quick fix. It was a process and I’m thankful I made it through.
So I get it. I get how people can get to the point of despair. I can’t necessarily relate to their breaking point but I know how it happens and maybe have a clue as to how it feels. And when you know someone at that point, what do you do?
On Tuesday, there was a blogger who posted what was intended to be her final blog entry. She wrote her own obituary. She’s a mother with three children. She’s had a difficult childhood and a less than successful marriage. She’s had a past I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But the people who know her, at least online, say that she’s a sweet and caring person.
It really doesn’t matter what kind of person she is. She is someone hurting and lonely and needing help. So why did I see comments like this on her post:
You’re going to take yourself off the face of the earth for all eternity because of bad brain chemistry? Girl, get help. Antidepressants may not be the most appetizing thing but a chemical assistance beats no existence. They don’t have to be permanent, just enough to get you through the valleys.
If I was drowning, would you say “hey, you better learn how to swim” or would you reach your hand out to me?
So did she walk out on her family or is she dead? I’m not going to say anything but I don’t approve either way.
And this comment I can’t even fathom. You see, loss and devastation and pain and desperation and depression don’t require approval. Especially your approval.
My faith in humanity dies a little when I see uncaring, heartless, and most importantly, unnecessary comments like these. My faith is luckily restored when I see many more comments offering prayer, hope, love to a woman they don’t even know.
***
If you have ever been down to the dark depths or know someone who is there, I hope you will consider sending them to this resource that the blogger above tweeted about a few days ago. I read it in detail today and it gave me a lot of perspective.
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
‘Cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it’s like
47 comments
I always have to wonder why (and what sort of) people feel that judgement of someone who has reached absolute rock bottom is the helpful thing. Whether or not we’ve been suicidal, we have all felt desperate, and in those desperate times have any of us said “gosh I wish someone would just come along and tell me what I’ve done right and all that I’ve done wrong” ??? Compassion. Its a principal that seems to be missing in so many people’s operating manual.
The only thing I can think is that maybe someone thinks they’ll snap someone back into reality??? I look at it as trying to rehabilitate someone for being gay. You can’t snap someone out of who they are and what they’ve become.
I can’t think of many situations where showing compassion can steer you wrong.
Well said. People can be so cruel when they hide behind their computer screens. I was happy to hear that she was found and is not seeking treatment. She definitely needs love and some hands to hold. I hope her recovery comes quickly!
It’s so easy to judge when you look at things through your eyes instead of someone else’s. Unless you’ve walked in someone’s shoes, reserve judgment and help. I’m glad she found that before it was too late.
As many negative posts or comments are there are for heartbreaking situations, I will remain encouraged by the vast majority of good ones. I still believe that the good outweighs the bad and that most people have heart. I just wish we could get rid of the bad apples.
Absolutely!!! And the majority of the people ARE compassionate and caring and supportive. I’m so glad to be part of this community when I see it rally around someone. In the end, what matters is that she is safe and alive and seeking treatment.
Wow…I am beyond shocked at the comments you’ve quoted that people have posted. I’ve lost three friends to suicide, and at this point in my life, even when someone says “Man I’ve had a really crappy day,” I feel like I can’t afford NOT to lend an ear because there were no warning signs. There was no “I can talk you down!” moment. I didn’t get that chance. It just happened.
I really hope that the woman is alright, and I know that while she may realize that there are people out there who will listen whether they know her or not, I hope she is reaching out further than this goes. I will always wish my friends came to me and said “I am really thinking that I need to end it because things aren’t getting better” then going through the motions and pretending to put on a brave face, or just not saying anything and staying in their darkness.
Thank you for sharing this. And thank you for feeling as outraged with people as you do instead of joining in their carelessness. THAT gives me hope.
I’m so sorry for you! I’ve never lost anyone to suicide but I can try to imagine the depths of despair that take people there. I have known of people, though, that put on appearances like you said and surprised everyone around them.
I am happy to report that her boyfriend says she has been admitted to a clinic and is being treated for depression. Yes, I’m outraged but I’m pretty sure THOSE people won’t ever read my blog.
What a fabulous post. I agree on every level.
I used to think suicide was selfish or cowardly, and now I know differently. When someone succumbs to cancer we don’t say it was a choice, even if we disagree with their treatment choices or the like. We acknowledge the illness as the cause of death, no matter how it came to it’s conclusion. And we sympathize with the suffering, even when we can’t identify with it ourselves.
Mental illnesses that end in suicide are no different. Although I’ve said before that unless you’ve been there, it’s almost impossible to understand. And I wouldn’t want you to.
Empathy and compassion go a long way.
I agree with you agreeing 😉
The link I posted at the end simplifies suicide. It’s a point that people reach when their pain exceeds their coping resources. Everyone has a different pain threshold and until you’ve walked a mile in someone’s shoes, lend a shoulder or an ear.
I read that blog. Was too devastating to even comment upon, let alone to approve or not. Well done for writing this.
Many of us watched it unfold on Twitter and I couldn’t focus on anything else. I was in a bad mood yesterday morning and overwhelmed with house cleaning. It snapped my perspective back in a hurry.
Thanks for sharing this Fadra, I know pain and depression and there is definitely no quick fix, it takes time, understanding and patience, and really great doctors/care givers to see you through. I hope that blogger finds peace and comfort soon whatever path she takes.
Yes, yes, and yes. You have to find a doctor that is your advocate. They are harder to find than most people think. Most doctors want to throw a pill at something. It sounds like she has been suffering for a lifetime and pill won’t necessarily make it go away. Luckily, she’s at a clinic seeking treatment.
I don’t know the blogger who posted last week, but I can’t fathom the comments you posted. some people are assholes.
I’m glad you found the right medicine for your pain. I can’t even imagine.
You never know what you can endure until you are right smack in the middle of it.
Fadra,
That whole situation was a roller coaster ride for sure. Spent hours just praying she would be found. And I agree, not a time for judgement.
I am like you. I have never been suicidal, but I have to the point where the pain from my depression and anxiety was so bad I just wanted it to end. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live the way I was. Thankfully, I had support around me and was able to pull most of the way out through love, medication,therapy and much prayer. And amazingly, blogging became part of my therapy as well. I had no idea it would help me so much to share with others.
Thanks for writing this today!
Bernice
Blogging is therapy. It’s why people often publish a cry for help. It’s not necessarily for the attention. It’s because it’s the only outlet they know. Glad you have found your way back to a happy place.
wow
I have no idea who this is, but I think perhaps posting about it was a cry for help?
sad
that is all
Thank God it was a cry for help and not a farewell note. And now she knows that people WOULD notice if she was gone.
What a thoughtful, smart, heartfelt post, Fadra.
No matter the motivation or circumstances surrounding the suicide post, a little compassion never hurt anyone.
It’s like they say, take any talk of suicide very seriously. Maybe it’s for attention. Maybe it’s a cry for help. It doesn’t matter. Treat it as if it’s a near certainty and do whatever you can. Even if it’s just a touch of compassion.
Fadra you have a beautiful heart. I love that you took the time to stand up for this woman and reach out to others.
Finding yourself in the midst of mental illness, be it your own or someone close to you, is devastating. Expecting most to understand, may be asking too much. Expecting people to act with compassion and kindness is not.
One thing I didn’t write about is how people that knew I was going through a depression stayed away. And those that did come close and didn’t like or understand my reaction were very put off. It’s a hard situation. Especially when you want to help and the person who needs it doesn’t know how to let you help.
But like you said, kindness and compassion go a long way.
I love this line “If I was drowning, would you say “hey, you better learn how to swim” or would you reach your hand out to me?.” Very well written.
Thank you for reading. It’s really as simple as that in my mind.
Thank you for reading. It’s really as simple as that in my mind.
It does my heart good to see someone say this.
I have no idea what the other blog is but I will admit……….I’ve been suicidal. I’ve suffered crippling PPD and I feel so lucky to be alive every day and lucky I made it out. I had that realization………being that low is just so hard. When someone is that low, it’s not normal, it’s not rational, and I just think if you’ve never been that low, thank God/the Universe/whoever that your life has been so blessed.
I had a friend once who didn’t know about my past and frequently used to talk about how people who killed themselves were just cowards and horrible people. And all I could do was shake my head. I know a LOT of people think that. Hey, at least their lives have never been so bad, and I guess it’s good that not EVERYONE has to get to that level of depression in life, right?
I have a relative who has watched commercials in front of me for depression medications. She would announce “why don’t those people just go take a walk?” She didn’t mean disrespect but she doesn’t get it. And like you said, I’m glad for her. I don’t want everyone to understand. But when you’re in that moment, you just want to be normal and live life like everyone else. I’m so glad you are in a better place and that you DID make it out.
Great post Fadra. Your compassion and empathy are a beautiful thing. You are a wonderful woman with a big heart. I am so happy that Summer was found alive and is getting the help that she so desperately needs.
I feel compassion and empathy for people who deserve it. Maybe it’s just that I disagree with other people about who actually deserves it. I’m glad she’s in a better place now too.
This is a reminder that those of us who understand, who have compassion, who have empathy…we need to make sure our voices (comments) are louder than those who don’t embody those traits.
Amen and amen. Let’s start a movement.
Amen and amen. Let’s start a movement.
Fadra, I’m thankful someone posted something about this! I was going to and ended up not pushing publish. I have suffered with depression off and on since my teenage years. It’s not easy. I saw these comments and more yesterday that left me angry. People with depression and suicidal tendency need help, support and love! I was so angry but not with her, with those who don’t get it. To me, it’s ignorance for those who comment or post things in such a circumstance that leaves you wanting to help the ignorant person. See… I’m still worked up about how others responded yesterday. She needs continued prayer along with anyone else that suffers from this. You are beautiful Fadra, thanks again!
Thanks, Chele. Totally not in my plans to write this post. But I was thinking about it and felt the anger welling. When I have this anger inside, I don’t know what to do but write.
I’m so thankful that she is getting help. I know it’s not a quick fix because she has a lifetime of undoing ahead of her. Those that can help should. Those that can’t should get out of the way.
Absolutely agree!
With my recent experience again with depression and anxiety, I know those feelings of desperation so well. So well in fact that I threw out things in the house that might cause me danger… because the thoughts were there. I was scared I might actually follow through on it. And my true friends and family were there for me (as well as a good therapist). But there were (and still are) those that don’t understand – and say I have to “suck it up” and take one step at a time… keep going – even though the keep going is the last thing I wanted to do.
My husband once told me that if I knew I was depressed, I should just “try to be happy.” That was many years ago before he really understood just what it’s like. Now from time to time, he’ll come to me and quizzically say, “I think I’m depressed.” It is a foreign concept to many people and until you walk in those shoes, thanks for your advice but no thanks.
My husband once told me that if I knew I was depressed, I should just “try to be happy.” That was many years ago before he really understood just what it’s like. Now from time to time, he’ll come to me and quizzically say, “I think I’m depressed.” It is a foreign concept to many people and until you walk in those shoes, thanks for your advice but no thanks.
Wow. I have never opened up like this on my blog. I can not relate at all, but I totally felt the pain through your post. The way you expressed what you went through was powerful. I hope bloggers that might be feeling this way find this post.
Thanks for your comments. The things I open up about are things I hope someone can relate. And if I can steer them in the right direction, all the better!
Thanks for your comments. The things I open up about are things I hope someone can relate. And if I can steer them in the right direction, all the better!
I was in her shoes a week ago. I took all the pills out of my medicine cabinet and at the time, it was so rational. (I suffer from chronic debillitating back pain on top of the after effects of postpartum depression.) Thing is when you are in this thick nasty pit of hell, you can’t see anything, you can’t hear anything, you can’t control anything. You are essentially out of control. The irrational starts to become rational. And that’s when it gets scary.
For myself, thankfully there was that little piece of sanity left in me that said “Kim, say something. Anything.” and I sent a tweet to a fellow blogger. She acted quickly and called the authorities and I got help that night.
Was it stupid of me to reach out like that?
No.
Why?
Because I got help.
I pray for that woman. I pray for the people who are ignorant to mental illnesses. Would they have the balls to tell a cancer patient to snap out of cancer? I wonder.
Wow, Kimberly. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry that you’ve visited that place. It’s when people DON’T reach out that you really need to worry. Of course, I can’t understand everything you’re going through. I can only hold out hope that you find relief from everything that is causing you pain. And remember that there’s a whole internet of people out there that care.
Thank you for posting this and saying it all so beautifully. Been there, done that… judgement doesn’t help, true compassion and caring shed a light when everything is so dark.
There’s a time and a place for judgment. Someone’s darkest hour is not the time.