What do you do with the mad that you feel?

by FadraN on July 21, 2010 · 34 comments

in News + Current Events,Parenting

What do you do with the mad that you feel? It’s a mantra that good old Mister Rogers created. It’s one that I use and share with my three year old son as he is growing up in a world he can’t yet control. He gets angry and frustrated and embarrassed. What do you do with those emotions? I have him cry it out, or talk it out, or hug it out. Whatever it takes, I want him to know that it’s okay to have feelings as long as you know what to do with them.

What happens when you grow up?

Hopefully, by the time we reach adulthood, we’ve developed a sense of right and wrong. We developed a certain level of self-control. And we learn what kind of world we want to live and what kind of world we want our children to live in. But what happens when we have feelings as adults and we don’t know what to do with them? For me, I write about them.

And this is the post I didn’t want to write.

This is who I am: opinionated, talkative, sometimes hot-tempered, extremely compassionate. When I became a mother, those qualities were only enhanced, especially when it comes to compassion. Every story on the news involving a child suddenly became personal. That could be me, as the mother. That could be my child suffering.

I remember when my son was two months old. I saw a couple on the news that was cradling their two month old as he was preparing for yet another heart surgery. He was wearing the same onesie as my son. That’s when I realized that the heartache and heart break that every parent feels is shared by all parents. And this is why I am hurting so bad today.

The news story started on July 16th. A story titled, “Johnston County man accused of torturing 4-year-old.” It’s not the first child abuse case I’ve read about in this area and it certainly won’t be the last. I try to look away from these stories whether it’s online or in the local paper. Yet I feel compelled to read. I feel compelled especially when I see the word torture.

This story is not for the faint of heart. But I encourage you not to look away.

The accused

This man, Johnathan Douglas Richardson, was arrested on felony child abuse charges. The victim was a 4 year old little girl that he was watching while her mother was in New Mexico for her annual Army Reserves training. He was staying with the little girl in a barn behind his grandparents’ house. He was sleeping with the girl on an air mattress in a barn that had no electricity and no running water – conditions that are considered abusive to me in the first place.

While the little girl was in his care, he took her to the local hospital claiming she was injured from falling off of a bed. It didn’t take long for authorities to intervene and uncover what Johnston County Sheriff Steve Bizzell calls “one of the worst cases of torture of a child that we have ever investigated – cuts, lacerations, signs of sexual assault, bite marks, head trauma.”

The abuse was so bad that the little girl had to be airlifted to another hospital for treatment. She remained in critical condition for several days. And for several days, our imaginations were left to wonder.

Why was this man watching a 4 year old little girl?

Why were they living in a barn?

Why would any mother allow her child to remain with a man with a criminal record?

Where is her father?

What exactly happened?

Here is what we learned through the local media. Richardson was the boyfriend of the little girl’s mother. The mother was living with her child and her boyfriend in the barn/apartment. The mother left her daughter in the care of her boyfriend while she went to New Mexico for several weeks to train for the Army Reserves. The little girl’s father is currently in jail on charges of felony drug trafficking.

Don’t look away yet. It’s going to get worse.

While we don’t know exactly what happened, we know what the police have found at the scene of the crime: a shotgun, a knife, a condom wrapper, an extension cord, a guitar string, a rifle, a camera, duct tape, drug paraphernalia, and a “green leafy substance.” I don’t need to know what went on. It’s obvious what the intent was. I feel sick in my stomach every time I think about it.

What does Richardson say about it? Not much. He has expressed no remorse and simply stated that he “lost it” when the little girl urinated and defecated in the bed. His defense? He’s bipolar. Little things set him off. So he beat her with an extension cord.

Teghan Allyssa Skiba

Teghan Allyssa Skiba died Monday night as a result of her injuries. In a way, I’m glad her suffering is over. I’m glad she will never have to live with the physical and emotional scars of the horrific events that occurred to her over days and days. I am glad she will never have to face her mother and ask her why she couldn’t protect her or take better care of her. And I can only hope that her death will help to bring about the end of a worthless human life, Johnathan Richardson.

Yes, I want Johnathan Richardson to die. I want him to suffer. I want to spend an hour in a room with him and let the vile feelings of rage and disgust I have within me come out. I want to make him cry and beg and plead. I want to hear remorse from him and have it fall on deaf ears. I want him to die a horrible death and I want his existence to be forgotten.

What about forgiveness? What about my compassionate heart? I have no compassion for people who commit crimes like these. And as for forgiveness? It’s not mine to give. Nor is it her mother’s or father’s or anyone else’s. It is Teghan’s. She is the victim. An extremely innocent one.

I believe in justice. I believe our legal system will prosecute him to the fullest extent. I just don’t know if the fullest extent will satisfy me. I am tired of hearing about Teghan Skiba. I’m tired of hearing about Shaniya Davis. I’m tired of hearing about Precious Whitfield. I am tired of the evil, disgusting, vile people in this world. I’m tired of the parents who do nothing to protect the life they brought into this world. I’m tired of parents making poor choices to satisfy their own needs for drugs, sex, companionship. I’m tired of these choices costing innocent children their lives.

The world is not fair.

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Tagged as: anger, child abuse, johnston county, precious whitfield, shaniya davis, teghan skiba

  • Lilkidthings

    Ugh I hear you. I physically can't take some of the stories I hear. They stay with me for days. It just makes me love and hug and squeeze my own son even more.

  • Mangoliasandsunshine

    Amen.

  • http://rubber7soul.wordpress.com Ann

    I feel the same way you do. Honestly, I think that drawing and quartering should be brought back for the people that commit crimes against children.

  • http://twitter.com/Mktg_Mama Erin Lane

    Your words came together so eloquently. I'm sorry you had to write the post too, but am certainly glad you did as you are not alone in the feelings you share.

  • http://www.bestoffates.com Megan (Best of Fates)

    Stories like that are the reason I don't watch the news. That's just beyond horrifying.

    Though I love the Mr. Rogers reference. He was one awesome man.

  • http://wth-am-i-doing-24-7.blogspot.com/ WTH am I doing

    I've deliberately not read that story. I've seen the headlines, but since becoming a parent? I don't have the stomach for them the way I used to. Everything hurts more. Everything is more scary. Everything, when I think about it being the world my kids are in.

    My stepdaughter's mother makes choices like this…altho, she wouldn't be responsible enough to actually join the army reserve. In my opinion? She is useless & doesn't deserve to have kids. She endangers them with her own selfishness. And that makes me angry. My stepdaughter has already had like 5 different “daddies” and she's only 5. We won't even allow her to call my husband “dad” because we don't want him mentally lumped in with the flavor of the month “daddies.”

    I could tell so many more stories about her worthless mother…but for now? We have custody while she “gets her life back on track” (which implies it ever *was* on track. I don't think she even knows where the track is, much less how to get on it….).

    As for people like this guy? If I were that girl's mother? He'd better be glad the cops got him first. I will leave it at that.

    That rage? I have it too. Under most circumstances, it is fully under control. But, for something like that? I don't think I'd even try to control it.

  • thegrasshoppa

    I'm tired of hearing about it, too. The problem is, this man Jonathon was once a small innocent, bewildered child of the world—a long long time ago. Clearly something went VERY VERY wrong. What happened to this boy that allows him to reconcile his pain by afflicting torture upon an innocent human being? I have to wonder.

    I can only imagine what it must be like to feel yourself morph into a complete monster.

    It is my thought that our world will never be rid of these monsters until we can see past what appears right in front of us, and get underneath the pain that takes a child and grows him up to those kind of capabilities.

    I believe in both forgiveness and consequence. As counter intuitive and near impossible as it feels, I truly believe it is the only way. From there I believe is the only place healing and reform can take place—if it is even possible.

    My soul feels exhausted and bruised every time I read a story about a child that has suffered at the hands of such darkness. I can only believe that those involved—all those who participated– are immeasurably sick with a insurmountable anguish that we couldn't possibly understand.

  • http://twitter.com/wineaccguy Joshua S. Sweeney

    I told you I'd be glad if you wrote it, and I am. I had issues dealing with trying to comprehend this last night, and I basically reached that sense of lost humanity as well. Not being a parent, I didn't have to experience on that level, and it still tore me up inside.

  • http://twitter.com/Sierrahomeblog Rebecca Verkerk

    Oh how I understand now why you did not want to write this. After becoming a mom I agree that any story on the news or on a tv program that is related to kids makes my stomach sick. I know why Jesus said if anyone hurts one of these (children) it is better to throw yourself in the ocean (my interpretation).
    Thank you for sharing your heart.
    Rebecca

  • http://twitter.com/nlj Nathania Johnson

    I had a feeling this was the story you were going to write about. I saw the headline, couldn't stomach the details.

  • http://www.comagirl.net/ Coma Girl

    Ugh, my daughter is 4 and this story makes me ill. Yeah, I'm not one for forgiveness in situations like this either.

  • http://twitter.com/marciebarnes Marcie Barnes

    Okay, the post I didn't want to comment on :-( I'm going to blather a bit.

    I'm wondering if you got the Bizzell quote from the radio this morning, I also heard him say the grandparents (of Richardson) claimed they didn't know the mother was gone. What bothers me about this is, you know, it was going on on their property – mother present or not, a (small) child living in a barn with no plumbing & a “small” air conditioner sharing an air mattress in this heat is clearly a case that any social worker would raise their eyebrows at, at the least. There was no advocate for this child. No one was paying attention. Sounds like a web of people who turned a blind eye to the situation. I'm also pretty sure (someone correct me) that anyone enlisted in the military can't use the excuse that they can't find (decent, legal) child care as an excuse to not show up for duty, I imagine the last resort again is for social workers to intervene. Just something I was pondering. Someone should have alerted authorities a long time ago IMHO.

    All that said, I agree with thegrasshoppa in that no one is born a monster. And as far as I'm concerned all crimes like this (and even to a lesser extent) involve drugs and/or poverty. Sober and comfortable people just don't do sh*t like this. By no means am I making an excuse for *this* monster, but I sleep at night trying to think of ways these types of evils can be prevented.

    As for now, I'm pretty sure that child molesters/abusers get the nasty end of the stick (bad pun intended) in jail from other inmates. So, I'll sleep well on that, for now.

    That's my longest blog comment in awhile :-) not trying to stir the pot but just my thoughts. Thanks as always for your perspective, Fadra, I know that was hard to write.~Marcie

  • http://newdaynewlesson.com/ Susie @ Newdaynewlesson

    I'm crying. Poor wasted lives.

    I am just also emotionally overwhelmed because my sister lost her baby at 36 weeks 2 days ago. Heartbroken for her and now heartbroken how anyone can do something like this to an innocent child.

  • Missy

    You did a lovely job with this, such an ugly subject. I have no words – nothing that hasn't already been said. I just felt the need to comment, and commend you for tackling this post.

  • FadraN

    It's a topic no one wants to read about it. And in a perfect world, we wouldn't need to write posts like these. Thanks for reading.

  • FadraN

    It's so unfair. Those that want to love and care for children often have no opportunity. And those that do have the opportunity, waste it and don't realize what a gift it is. I'm so sorry for you and your sister. It's so devastating.

  • FadraN

    Marcie – as always, you brought up a very good point. I wanted to know what the options are for a reservist in terms of child care. So I did a little research and found that as a single parent, you MUST have a strong family care plan in order to join that states who will act as guardian when you are unable to care for your child. You must also have a back-up person designated in case your primary caregiver is unavailable. I don't know if she is officially married or divorced, but it sounds like child care is something the Army takes seriously.

    And I do agree that monsters aren't created overnight. And usually abuse cases don't pop up out of nowhere. There is so much blame in situations like this and it is usually deep rooted. In this case, though, my focus was on the innocent life that was lost. And how EVERY child deserves to grow up in a safe and loving environment.

    A little girl like Teghan – had she survived, what would she have turned out like? And would it be a fault of her own. No winners in this situation. Thanks for reading and writing.

  • FadraN

    Thanks for reading. It's easier to turn a blind eye. I know.

  • FadraN

    Let's prove him guilty in a court of law. But let the punishment fit the crime. We avoid cruel and unusual punishment but what about what the vistom had to endure?

  • FadraN

    Thanks for reading, Erin. It is hard to understand and stomach, especially as a mother.

  • FadraN

    I was actually a big Mister Rogers fan growing up. I always wanted to visit Make Believe Land. Maybe if more of us had watched him, the world would be a better place.

  • FadraN

    I know it's not the first time this point has been made, but look at how many hoops good people have to jump through to adopt a child and provide a loving home. But any old woman can get knocked up and push out a kid. Forgive my crudeness, but nothing will ever change until parents realize the responsibility they have when they create a life.

    Thank YOU for being your stepdaughter's advocate. Biology doesn't matter when it comes to protecting children.

  • FadraN

    I agree with you. There is no ONE person to blame here. It is a long string of events that led to the killer becoming the monster, the mother making poor choices, the grandparents turning a blind eye.

    When I was a teacher, I had some terrific students and some truly awful ones. Students I could see growing up and ending up in prison. I could see their future. And it was then, at 23 years old, that I realized nearly every problem in this world boils down to parents who don't value their own role. You are the ultimate creator, teacher, preacher, guardian, warden. It's not easy to be a parent but it's a job and one that you can't quit.

    I wish I was able to offer a solution rather than just retell the story.

  • FadraN

    Being a parent makes stories like these affect in you in a very emotional way. But this is really a human story. It's a sad story of how one human being can treat another and thankfully it is one that most of use can't understand. All I know is that it can't be tolerated. Thanks for the encouragement.

  • FadraN

    I like your interpretation. How about an eye for an eye?

    Thanks for reading this. I know it's not the most pleasant post out there.

  • FadraN

    Somehow I just can't look away. I need to know that monsters like these exist so that I never let my guard down.

  • FadraN

    So, so sad. It reminds me of the story in Florida with Caylee Anthony. I think she was about the same age. I think it's even worse when it is someone we hope will love and protect our children. Thanks for reading.

  • Heather

    I have been following this case too. As I see it, death is not ENOUGH punishment for men (people) like this. The good old “eye for an eye” rule works for me. I would prefer to have him tortured in the exact same manner and conditions that he inflicted on that poor child. If our legal system would roll back to more Biblical guidelines I seriously think we would see a drop in crime…and a more satisfying feeling of justice being serviced by those of us who can no longer tolerate this type of increasing abuse.

  • http://www.evolvingmommy.com Catherine

    I'm going to be honest, I almost stopped reading because I knew what was coming and I knew it would hurt. Of course I'm in a different state so I didn't really know but the gist in these cases is the same. An innocent person suffers at the hands of a monster and the stand up responsible people of society are forced to be fair to said monster.

    Fadra, I'm a calm, nice and logical person. Regardless of my normal aversion to physicality there is a mama bear inside of me that in cases like these is just roaring to come out. I wouldn't mind tearing into him either. Not one bit. And I can't help but feel let down when these poor excuses for human beings end up getting off “easy.”

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  • http://mommythisandthat.com Melisa

    I am with you! I am tired and over the excuses parents make when they don't protect their children. It makes my heart heavy and I can only pray there really is a special place in hell for people like this monster!

  • Joann

    Fadra, you are correct. As a parent, single or not, you have to have a family care plan if you have custody of one or more children….but having been the Personnel Officer in the Reserves, having a plan in place and actually executing that plan are two separate things. Most family care plans, unfortunately, are only verified for training or assignments that are longer than your two week drill cycle, i.e. if you are heading to Afghanistan. The Military may walk a soldier through the process of putting together a plan (and other “legal” documents necessary) but a parent still has to be a parent and follow through.

    This story has saddened me and I too am happy that she is not in pain and is in a better place but wish it and all the others never occurred.

  • Lauragonzo

    I have just tried for about 10 minutes to type a response to this post, but I just can’t seem to do it. Too many tumbling thoughts and emotions. It’s a great post. Horrible subject but great post. 

    • Anonymous

      I meant to comment back to you. As hard as it probably was for you to read,
      it was even harder for me to write. I wasn’t going to write this post but a
      lot of locals on Twitter told me I should. I think we all needed to say what
      we really felt.

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