Ever sit around thinking about the patron saint of something? Probably not. But here’s how my brain works and how I use the internet to satisfy it.
Something popped into my head at the oddest time, as it usually does, last week. It was another morning where I had woken up to take my son to his sitter’s for the day and I realized…
I forgot to take a shower.
I used to work full time and a shower or a bath was a daily occurrence. Every morning, I’d get up and get myself clean. Sounds like a no-brainer, right?
And then we have a baby and the days and night become a blur and daily hygiene becomes more of a suggestion, rather than a requirement. You’re lucky if you know if you’re coming or going.
So what happened to me? My son is 4 years old. I shouldn’t be having trouble staying clean.
The problem is that I’ve created this habit of putting a bath or a shower last on my list. I have another post to write or errand to run. I can use barrettes or a ponytail, slap on a little make-up and be on my way. I still look presentable.
But sometimes I take it a little too far. I wait a little too long. And it was one morning that I woke up and looked in the mirror and declared myself Our Lady of Greasiness. And I tweeted that.
Since that time, I’ve learned a couple of things.
First of all, I could never fake being Catholic because I don’t seem to understand the basics of Catholicism.
Apparently, the term “Our Lady” is reserved for the Blessed Virgin Mary, who I’m pretty sure never had greasy hair.
I could, however, become beatified like Pope John Paul II recently was. Incidentally, I learned that the term is bee-at-i-fy and not beat-a-fy. FYI – it means that it can be shown that you are responsible for a posthumous miracle.
Or I could become the patron saint of something. I mean, I’d have to beatified first and all that but if I made it past that process, I could potentially become a saint. Or a patron saint. That means I’m a designated saint of something.
Sound like an antiquated cause? Not really. The pope is actually considering several candidates as the patron saint of internet users and computer programmers.
I’m not kidding.
So I got to thinking, is the patron saint of greasiness really what I would want to be known for? I’m sure lots of people would pray to me. Especially those new moms who never get a chance to take a shower. And there really are patron saints for just about everything.
And because I thought you wouldn’t believe me, I’ve compiled just a quick list of some of the most unbelievable patron saints out there…
There are patron saints of family matters like:
- children whose parents were not married
- children late learning to walk
- bachelors (they actually do need a lot of help)
- dangerous animals
- death by mine collapse
- dog fanciers
- foot problems
- fear of wasps
- glove makers
- Girl Scouts
- hemorrhoids
- hairdressers
- hairstylists (this is different than hairdressers?)
- housewives
- happy death (when exactly are we supposed to pray to this saint?)
- hangovers
- insect bites
- lost keys
- against oversleeping (I think my husband should pray to this one)
- political office holders
- roller skating
- to have male children
- writers for television (I think my prayers were answered when they cancelled “Family Matters”)
- young people in general
So with all the patron saints out there, I thought that maybe I could aspire to be something more than someone to pray to for your greasy hair.
Perhaps, the patron saint of blogging…??
What do you think YOU could be the patron saint of?
45 comments
Love it!!!
I am St. Gigi, patron saint of Deep Facial Lines and Sagging Skin.
Gigi, I will totally pray to you every day if you can help me avoid the deep facial lines. It’s too late for the sagging skin.
With your many talents, I think you can aspire higher 😉
Than greasiness or blogging??
I would have to claim the title Patron Saint of Lying to Children
Yeah, um, I laughed out loud at this one. Is that wrong? Will you forgive me?
I am not above sharing this title. You can be my co-saint, if you can meet
the self-explanatory requirements…
Oh, I always enjoy your posts. But this one today. Top fave of the year.
Me? Patron Saint of eff ups. Can there be saint that starts with the f bomb?
When you are a saint, you can do pretty much whatever you want. I think. My research didn’t go that far.
I’m embarrassed to mention that showers are last on my “to-do” list, too. Yesterday I actually thought to myself “Hey, today seems like a good enough day to take a shower.” I won’t disclose when the shower previous to that was. As long as the one person who has to get all up in my business (the baby) doesn’t complain, I’m good, right?
I think since there’s room for so much creativity, I’d probably be named “Patron Saint of Making Faces Instead of Saying What’s On One’s Mind.”
Now you’re making me think I should be the Patron Saint of the One who says what’s on her mind when she should probably just make a face instead.
I’m embarrassed to mention that showers are last on my “to-do” list, too. Yesterday I actually thought to myself “Hey, today seems like a good enough day to take a shower.” I won’t disclose when the shower previous to that was. As long as the one person who has to get all up in my business (the baby) doesn’t complain, I’m good, right?
I think since there’s room for so much creativity, I’d probably be named “Patron Saint of Making Faces Instead of Saying What’s On One’s Mind.”
OMGee! That is the day that I sniffed and thought…hmmm. I really stink. I would pray for help from the Patron Saint of Greasiness. 😉
I think you’re confusing the Patron Saint of Greasiness with the Patron Saint of Bad Body Odor. Totally different missions.
Noted. Maybe I need a new Saint for when I suffer from both afflictions. The Patron Saint of Laziness. 😉
I wish I woulda known there was a saint I could have prayed to for my hemorrhoids. I’m just sayin.
See, I think the saint should be for the *people* who have hemorrhoids. Not the actually hemorrhoids themselves. There’s still time to pray just in case…
OK, the lost keys one has me cracking up! Also, more Hollywood writers should take up praying. So glad I’m not Catholic. Too many causes to remember.
My BIL is Catholic and he has no clue about most of these. I’m also thinking they need a Patron Saint of lost cell phones that have the ringer turned off. Could definitely use that one.
My BIL is Catholic and he has no clue about most of these. I’m also thinking they need a Patron Saint of lost cell phones that have the ringer turned off. Could definitely use that one.
Your professional Catholic girlfriend will come to your rescue with that one. Missing an item? Of course, you give a shout out to St Anthony. Saved me a billion times — he’s probably tired of me.
Now that you’ve turned the blogging world on it’s ear by scratching the surface with our patron Saints, I have a new task for you. You need a post on all the amazing Yiddish terms that should be a part of everyone’s vernacular. Like Oy, vey!, tchotzes, tookas (spelling is way off, I’m sure) and the like.
And, I love that image of Our Lady, btw!
I’m glad my Catholic girlfriend didn’t take offense. I’m glad you told me St. Anthony. I’d like to know where Evan left his original Buzz Lightyear.
I ‘m freakin impressed that you slap on a little make-up!
I’m the Patron Saint of Fright Night in the Afternoon…. : )
I’m not sure if you are referring to your genetic flaws or simply your bad hygiene. I promise you, a little lipstick makes anything look pretty.
I’m not sure if you are referring to your genetic flaws or simply your bad hygiene. I promise you, a little lipstick makes anything look pretty.
I am the patron saint of crookedness. Since childbirth, I have a crooked torso. It matches the crooked nasal septum I’ve always had.
Oh, my whole body is asymmetrical. A nicer word for crooked. I actually wrote a post on it. I wouldn’t mind straightening things out a bit.
Oh, my whole body is asymmetrical. A nicer word for crooked. I actually wrote a post on it. I wouldn’t mind straightening things out a bit.
OMGosh! The patron saint of
hemorrhoids is also the Saint against venereal disease.
I found that some of them are grouped together. The patron saint of roller skating also covers ice skating. So I guess there is some logical grouping – like hemorrhoids and venereal disease 😉
I found that some of them are grouped together. The patron saint of roller skating also covers ice skating. So I guess there is some logical grouping – like hemorrhoids and venereal disease 😉
I could be the patron saint of indecision. Or maybe not…
See – I get that. That’s funny. Maybe you should be the Patron Saint of subtle humor.
See – I get that. That’s funny. Maybe you should be the Patron Saint of subtle humor.
I could easily handle being the Patron Saint of Channel Surfing.
Are you saying channel surfing is a problem? I would pray to you for help? I miss days when I could change the channel and not have a 4 year old meltdown.
I think you didn’t offend anyone because Catholics like to laugh at themselves. Most Catholics. The ones who have sex before marriage. The other ones aren’t reading blogs. And I have to say, I very much think the Virgin Mary had greasy hair! As she should. She was supposed to be poor and virginal, and the way you stay virginal (unless you’re married) is never smell good. As for me, I often forget to brush my teeth.
Oh Jana. I think that response could have been a blog post in itself. BTW, I know a couple that got married and both had horrific breath. Maybe it works for some people.
I’m a Catholic too and, like Dianna Kennedy, I’ve heard plenty about St. Anthony. But it’s St. Jude who’s in charge of lost causes. He comes in really handy! : )
Ooh, I have plenty of friends and family members I could pray to St. Jude about 😉
Patron Saint of Profanity right here.
F*** yeah.
I’d say you would make a f*ing good saint. Um, maybe not.
seriously? Patron Saints for roller skating? Now house wives and lost keys I can use though.
Have you ever seen me roller skate? I might need a few prayers.
Oh – that is great… I also have showers last on my list… UG!