This is actually an SEO (search engine optimization) post. I’m not going to tell you how to optimize your blog for searches on places like Google because clearly, I’m still working on that.
Here’s what I mean.
If you have Google Analytics, you have the ability to see the keywords, or search terms, people use to find your blog. I check mine every so often, not to optimize my blog but really to have a good laugh. And then I need to share them with you.
One of my biggest search terms is “trick or treat smell my feet.” Yes, sometimes I get cutesy with my post titles. This was simply a post I did about Halloween costumes. Who knew so many people were looking for the lyrics to this rhyme? In case they are still looking for it:
“Trick or treat, smell my feet. Give me something good to eat.”
But my number one search term, believe it or not, is “wacky wednesday.” Yes, this is the title of the famed Dr. Seuss book. I used it for a post that I wrote one Wednesday when it seemed like the world had tilted on its axis. It was just that kind of day. However, I’m pretty sure that the people that are searching for “wacky wednesday” aren’t really looking for “a few weird things that happened to Fadra on a random Wednesday.”
In fact, most of the humorous terms come from people that I’m quite sure aren’t looking for my blog. That’s okay. It makes for fun reading. Here are some of my favorites along with some answers and explanations:
hillary’s hair
Oh yes, I did blog about Hillary’s hair. Did you see it? It was blogworthy.
social media celebrity
Why thank you! I don’t really think of myself as a celebrity. Well, at least not in the social media circles.
lasting kiss informercial
I admitted that I bought this crap from an informercial but I don’t want to be known as the authority on the lasting kiss infomercial. Not unless it’s going to drive a whole lot more traffic. Let me know.
maryland mcdonalds ship inside seating area
Because I love McDonald’s, I get inquiries from time to time. My favorite McDonald’s used to have a ship inside where the kids could sit and eat. I’m sorry to report that the Route 50 McDonald’s right before the Chesapeake Bay Bridge is no longer seaworthy.
“28 sexy things to try in bed”
I hardly think I’m an expert in this area but I guess I owe you something. Here’s a tip. Try putting your iPhone down before getting busy. I haven’t tried it yet but it’s probably a good idea.
all make sense in time grasshopper
Apparently, writing about my bloggy friend @TheGrasshoppa drives a lot of traffic my way. I don’t know about you but I can’t read that statement without hearing a bad Asian accent in my head.
its fadra
I just love the simplicity of this one. What must someone have been thinking? “its fadra” that makes the world go round. “its fadra” would make a lovely talk show title. “its fadra” is the answer to life, the universe, and everything (formerly known to be 42). Maybe I’ll make it my new tagline.
jennifer hajer
What the??? I know that @TheNextMartha is fabulous and all but this is MY blog. Go read her blog if you think she’s that great. Wait. Don’t leave. Just stay here a little longer. (Oddly enough, I just found this post on her blog. Guilty?)
macaroni and cheese push here to open annoying
THANK YOU for that validation. This was one of my early, early posts where I talked about that damn blue box being the bane of my existence. (Still is, for the record).
positive things about mcdonalds
Sometimes I feel like a walking commercial for McDonald’s. Yes, I have posted some nicey-nice things about them. They don’t pay me to say that. Unless Happy Meal toys are considered a form of compensation (disclaimer: that’s a joke).
red licorice taste test
Really? We can’t just drop the whole Red Vines vs. Twizzlers debacle? I think we clearly established that Twizzlers rule. Didn’t we? I thought we did…
whore training
Wrong site. I don’t offer training here. But you can download my Whore Training e-book for only $19.99.
“forced him””smell my feet”
I don’t know where you come from but that ain’t right. You shouldn’t force anyone to smell your feet. I’m serious.
“i want a buzzcut”
So if you want a buzzcut, just go get one. I could see if you google “buzzcut” but why google “i want a buzzcut.” Are you looking for moral support? I don’t offer that here either but I am working on an e-book for that. See also “i want a donut.”
“my black eye” morning or next or became or become or turn or turned or swell or swelled or following -pea -military -peas -susan -susans -kim -michellemake -makeup -liner -shadow -fake
Ummm. What?
“my body is betraying me”
I hear you, sister. You don’t have to remind me.
“my mom cut my hair” to my “butt”
Only a few things concern me about this one. First, how long was your hair that you actually had it cut to your butt? And secondly, why is your “butt” in quotations? Never mind. I don’t want to know.
2 cute honeys get busy in the bedroom
Why, thank you! My husband and I have never been called honeys before!
2011 rules of ediquit
It’s okay if you missed my 2011 Rules of Etiquette post. Because I left something off: LEARN HOW TO SPELL ETIQUETTE.
crazy spelled names
I know, I know. You don’t have to remind me.
12 sneaky ways you can save $5000
Saving $5000 implies that I would be dealing in transactions larger than $5000. I do spend a lot at BJs but if it requires more than clipping coupons, I’m out.
40 funny things about my sister
Wow. You must have a funny sister. I could only come up with 36 funny things about mine.
5 year old always jumping invading personal space
Maybe someone needs to explain to you what 5 year olds are all about. Seriously.
all the stuuf you kned to have happy birds
Finally! One question I can legitimately answer! Food, water, mirror. Oh, and don’t let them read your writing. You’re a horrible speller.
all those ag doll eyes would follow me where ever i went.
I know the feeling.
bathrooms with two sinks good or bad?
Good.
best way to kill a grasshopper in side a house
Grasshopper good. Do not kill grasshopper. Capture in plastic cup and set free.
big tits macarroni
Everyone should know by now that I love macaroni and cheese. But this rendition doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest.
And that my friends, concludes the top searches up to an including the letter B. That means I have many more installments to share with you. And I know you are totally going to go check your Google Analytics now too.
37 comments
Love it. I’m trying to hold in my laughs so I don’t get caught at work. One of my favorites from mine: “”i am in a book club and we will be meeting in two weeks, i am in charge of the salad, and i wanted each lady (13) to present one ingredient of the salad but i needed some ideas just before they present it to say something like, lettuce – (let us do what is right!)”
Why in the world are these people googling stuff like that?!?
Clearly, we need to teach people how to use Google. And can we find out which book club that is so I can make sure that I never join it?
OK, I thought that the key words people found my site with were funny but these are much better! Perhaps I should start posting about McDonald’s…
That was a bit of an unintentional goldmine for me but maybe if you posted about a Dr. Seuss book, you’d get better traffic!
I’m not sure how it could be my fault, but I feel like whore training has to be my fault. It’s like the number three search for my blog since I titled a post about the slutification of teenage girls “Whore Training”. Pretty sure they don’t want my blog either, and now i feel like I passed the bad luck to you! 🙂
I guess I’m guilty by association. Thank God I haven’t found anything worse yet because I know YOU have 😉
heee
the doll picture has me creeped out!
that is all
I actually got those dolls out of the attic and was cleaning them up. I left them by the bathtub for a few days and my husband got totally creeped out by them every time he went into the bathroom!
I am literally crying over this post. Real tears. It’s just that funny. I couldn’t even pick a funniest/favorite. They are all so awesome. I just read it again and now my stomach hurts from laughing. I need to find these google analytics keyword searches on my blog. They probably won’t be as good as yours though.
I am literally crying over this post. Real tears. It’s just that funny. I couldn’t even pick a funniest/favorite. They are all so awesome. I just read it again and now my stomach hurts from laughing. I need to find these google analytics keyword searches on my blog. They probably won’t be as good as yours though.
I am literally crying over this post. Real tears. It’s just that funny. I couldn’t even pick a funniest/favorite. They are all so awesome. I just read it again and now my stomach hurts from laughing. I need to find these google analytics keyword searches on my blog. They probably won’t be as good as yours though.
And just think… this was only up to and including the letter B. Maybe I need to make a few installments. I had fun doing it. And thank for GFCing me!
I am literally crying over this post. Real tears. It’s just that funny. I couldn’t even pick a funniest/favorite. They are all so awesome. I just read it again and now my stomach hurts from laughing. I need to find these google analytics keyword searches on my blog. They probably won’t be as good as yours though.
PS, although it’s quite obvious I feel the need to say that there are some seriously F-ed up people in this world.
PPS, new GFC follower.
PS, although it’s quite obvious I feel the need to say that there are some seriously F-ed up people in this world.
PPS, new GFC follower.
PS, although it’s quite obvious I feel the need to say that there are some seriously F-ed up people in this world.
PPS, new GFC follower.
So it’s confirmed. No one actually finds my blog. Awesome. I’m the best anonymous non anonymous blog out there.
If I can find a way to redirect any searches for your name to your blog, I will. But now that I’ve actually mentioned you by name on my blog, it might just give me more traffic. Ah yes. My master plan is working…
HAHA Great post! I’ve been thinking of doing this very thing for a while. Oh, and I just checked my Analytics right now… “Crotch lickers”? Really? From a 500 year old post about how I may or may not be offended by cats?
Now what is disturbing about that is NOT that they found your blog, it’s that people are actually GOOGLING that. Pervs.
I love looking at the search terms people use to find my blog- always a good laugh. Usually involves the words *small boobs*
Did you optimize for those words on your blog or does that just, ahem, naturally draw people to the site?
This is a brilliant idea for a post! Loved it!
Oh, these are awesome! I had to go look at mine. My 2 weirdest of the day are “what does it mean when someone posts a heart on your face” which I guess is b/c I put a heart on the face of my son’s friend that I wrote about yesterday, though I didn’t type that out…
and my other is “checking out your boobs.”
Clearly there are a lot of boob googlers out there. I rarely check and when I do, I’m like WHAT was I writing about??
My most popular searches are ‘Barney tattoo’ (as in the big purple one) & ‘American flag hot pants’. Those guys just adore my blog.
Some of these are so out of left field! Whore training is a classic as is big tits macaroni.
Thanks for the laughs : )
I can see whore training (not for my blog but I guess I can see it). But big tits macaroni? Rated X macaroni salad, maybe?
My most popular searches are ‘Barney tattoo’ (as in the big purple one) & ‘American flag hot pants’. Those guys just adore my blog.
PS. discus is trying to kill me
I think I might like to see those hot pants sometime.
It is always fun to see those search terms….but yours are REALLY funny!
I need to learn about SEO. I’m terribly deficient in that area.
Don’t worry. I’m still learning too. I bought Kelby Carr’s e-book that walks you through a lot of stuff step by step. Let me know if you’re interested in the link.
Love this post and all the creative things that lead people to our posts. 🙂
That’s an awesome way to look at it. Instead of thinking, “these people were way off base when they found my blog” maybe I should be thinking that I converted some real weirdos into loyal readers 🙂
Getting caught up on some Fadra, and laughing all the way. I think you need to teach me how to use my Google Analytics, so I can write a post like this!
Whore training – that’s just great.
And yours are a lot funnier than mine 🙂
Oh my goodness. I’m laughing so hard at these. I don’t care if this is 2 years old. These are so funny! You need to do a new post with some of the search phrases that you were spouting off on Twitter. They are as golden as these ones are.