I hated writing this post. But I had to. I had so many yucky feelings bottled up today that I felt like I had to get them out. Hopefully this purges them a little bit. At the very least, it should be a reminder to me that we start each day anew. Even moms need a do-over. I hope I get mine tomorrow.
I’ll admit. I was never one of those little girls who grew up dreaming of the day they would someday become a mother. I assumed I would become a mother because during the time I grew up, that’s what you did. Not to say I grew up in the 1950s. I was allowed to have a life and a career but still be married and have kids.
I was going to get married at 23 and have kids at 25. Two of them. I never thought about what kind of mother I would be. I love kids, for the most part. I think there’s a juvenile side of me that I’ve never lost. I don’t mind being silly or acting goofy. Anything for a laugh really. So generally speaking, kids tend to flock to me.
This is not lost on my son. He loves his mommy. We are silly and goofy together at home. We tickle and make up songs and do funky dances. In fact, sometimes he tells me to stop. Like I’m just being too silly.
More times than not, he’s sulking. Or whining. Or being moody. Or being angry. I know part of it comes with the territory. I know it because a simple tweet last week brought out scores of other mothers of 4 year olds reassuring me that a moody and miserable 4 year old is often the norm.
Well, I have to tell you. It’s a norm that’s bringing me down. I try to stay in a good mood. I do get stressed sometimes. We’re always late and he operates on a typical pokey preschool schedule. And he’s very particular. The other morning, he had picked out his toys to take to his sitter. All of his Ironman figures. And then at the last minute he panics and grabs a yellow plastic sand shovel. Because he needs that. It’s somehow become very important in his elaborate play plans for the day.
I don’t pretend to understand his logic but i do pretend to understand his moods. It’s the constant pushing of the buttons. It’s the battles over the simplest things. And it’s Mommy’s lack of patience. Right now, it’s not a good combo. He melts my heart but today was a day that my heart was a little too cool.
A trip to the zoo and hopefully we come home with happy memories. Instead, there was whining, yelling, tears, and general boredom. Disrespect, not listening. Yes, I know as I type this you are all saying “yup, that’s a 4 year old.” But it tugs at my heart when I have a day like today when I just wanted to be away from him. Tell me I’m not alone.