I love that this whole idea is growing. I mean, last week, we had 44 link-ups!!
It’s always my personal goal to read every single post that’s here to let you know how much I appreciate you joining this little community I’ve created. I’ve been trying to keep up but I’m usually about a week behind.
And while I don’t get to spend much time reading blogs during the week (I try, really I do), I love connecting with people on Twitter. If you get a chance and I don’t already follow you on Twitter, leave your ID in your comment below.
And if you aren’t on Twitter, why the heck not?
Now, on to me, me, me. Sorry, this week is a bit of a downer, but introspective, at least.
***
This has been a tough week for me. A really, really tough week. Anxiety has reared its ugly head in ways I wouldn’t have expected.
About 4 years ago, I started having problems with anxiety and depression and I’ve been good and healthy for a long while now. But this week, I felt it creeping back in. The difference is that I can recognize it. And I can better understand where it’s coming from.
When I dealt with this 4 years ago, I think a big part of it was the loss of my identity as Fadra, working woman. I was still a working woman but I had to balance my time AND my identity with Fadra, the mommy. Both were equally important.
When I left the working world (not of my own accord), I stumbled into the online world and fell in love. I thought I could never go back to a regular ol’ office job. I still feel that way. But that feeling comes at a price.
My husband started a new job earlier this year and he’s doing fabulously well at it. He makes good money. He’s happy and he’s good at it. And he travels quite a bit (you know, because of the whole not selling our house and moving yet thing).
He came home last night after 4 days away and was telling me about his week. Telling me about all the meetings he went to and the praise that was lavished upon him (well-deserved, I might add). And then we started talking about standard household things. Bills and such. We talked about the credit card bill and how some of his work expenses go on there. He was explaining how it’s easier to use his own card and expense it in case he goes over his per diem.
As he was explaining it to me, I said, yes, I know how all that works. I used to have a corporate card. I used to be somebody, remember?
Wow. That’s how I’m feeling. All the ugly feelings plaguing me all week came out in one ugly statement. And I’m trying to figure out what to do about it.
64 comments
Sigh… you still are that somebody you used to be… just think of it as a sabbatical. I had those same types of feeling while I was unemployed for 18 months – hearing voices that said I was less than a woman because I was no longer bringing home more income than my husband. I have to admit I was very proud of that accomplishment.
Having your life turned upside down & re-directed is very difficult – whether it is by choice or not. Those feeling are valid, but they don’t define who you are & what you are capable of in the future. Deciding how to move forward will take time, research & patience, but you are up to the task I’m sure. Sending virtual (((hugs))) all the way from Minnesota.
Thanks Monika. I know we are similar in so many ways. I think as a working woman, I tied a lot of my worth to the money I made. When I wasn’t bringing in any income (or significantly less), I projected that I wasn’t contributing. Running a household and raising a child is a huge contribution, just often a thankless one.
I too am in a similar type of funk.. I’m too trying to sort out my feelings of anxiety and helplessness in helping in to bring in the bacon while balancing the chores and schedules of the kids solo.
Luckily for me, I’m usually a self-motivated person. I know I’ll find my way out of my funk. I hope you do too.
You are STILL somebody! But I think we all go through this crisis when we become moms! Don’t devalue yourself! Look at all you do! You are doing excellent things in your life! And don’t you forget it!!
I just never expected to be hitting this crisis when my son is almost 5! I think it’s because I’ve gone in and out of the working world and this has been my longest absence to date. Thank you for your kind words!
I get that feeling sometime, too. I find it happens most when I’m feeling under-appreciated at home or if I feel like this whole parenting thing is too hard. I get that feeling and I want to bolt to something else, and the only “else” I’ve ever known is working. It’s tough. But I find that taking some time for myself helps things, helps me remember why I do this and that I am important, that I am somebody, not necessarily because anyone else told me so, but because I believe it for myself.
I actually did get some alone time last weekend and it did help just to get out without any confines. I think with my husband being gone so much for work, I get overwhelmed with parenting and the house and then feel trapped. Thanks for your words.
I was never anybody in a corporate sense, but I was somebody different from what I am now and I’ve also felt this… loss/change of identity. It’s extremely difficult, especially coupled with anxiety and depression – which I have experienced too.
I don’t have any words of advice, just sincere hope that it gets easier for you.
It will and is getting easier. Luckily, I have a husband that listens when I talk to him about how mothers all seem to have this ongoing identity crisis. It’s a much better week and I appreciate your words.
find me a Mum who doesnt feel these feelings somedays..even weeks. we all do. then we remember that with the corporate card comes the paperwork, the dull dinners, the ever present pressure for something…and all of a sudden, that facepaint seems ever so much fun!
seriously though, it’s tough. you are still a somebody; its just a case of figuring who that somebody is. oh, and if you figure the secret to banishing those feelings? let me in on it, please.
Thank you for the reminder. As my husband sat down yesterday to write up his professional goals for his boss, I remember how much BS comes with the corporate life. I am happy doing what I’m doing. I just crave a little recognition from time to time.
Maybe we need to create awards for mothering?
This too shall pass!
I love those words.
I appreciate you stopping by and commenting on everyone’s posts! Dedication! Also- you are surely someone still. Sending lots of virtual support as you figure all this out!
Thank you, Jenn! I appreciate your comment too!
I think we are meant to always be reinventing ourselves. We should NOT be the same person we were a year ago that we are today. Then what the heck is life about if you’re not learning, growing and changing? I also don’t necessarily think you HAVE to define yourself.
Yup. All true and all words that I need to be reminded of from time to time. Thank you for that. I always tell people that the only thing that’s constant is change. I need to remember that!
Oh man should we have a virtual chat about this over a good glass of wine! Seriously!
I’m just coming out of a funk myself (left my big fat paycheck in May to do my “own” thing but spent the better part of 6 months not really doing “anything” let alone my “own” thing) and am finally coming out of it but man is it hard to keep spirits up sometimes even though I KNOW I made the right decision, I’m awesome, etc.
Depression sucks but like you, I can at least recognize it better now and am pretty grateful for that 🙂
Yes, it sounds like you get it. Even if I’m miserable working for someone else, I’m very goal-oriented. When I’m working for myself, what are the consequences for not getting something done? I’m getting better about planning and holding myself accountable and I feel better when I have a sense of accomplishment.
I lost my identity too, when I left my work.
Everyone asked why wasn’t I still there in the early months, then co gratulated me on my son later on and asked when I was going back to the newspaper.
That is why I began writing on my blog.
It helped me feel my worth, that my job cleaning, caring for my family makes me as important as the one bringing the money.
Through ot I make an impact on the outside world.
You definitely make an impact!
I never intended to stay home but a few months of unemployment and I realized I didn’t want to go back to that life. It’s also why I started my blog. I don’t think I could ever be a mom with nothing but my house and being a mom!
Totally understand. Actually after I read your post I was like, hmmn, so much of it sounds like what I was thinking of saying. But I went off a bit longer than the 5 min window. I tried. But I did what I had to do.
Thank you for sharing. I know what you mean about finding value in being you. It can be so rough sometimes. And yet, it’s essential to maintaining our sanity and who we truly are. You be you – I’ll be me – and together we’ll work to find out what that is for us both, while holding onto a bit of who we have been, as well!
Somebody said it best above. I shouldn’t remember who I was because if I were that same person, it would indicate that I’m not growing or changing. I’m much happier with who I am. I just don’t have any of the external rewards for it.
I happen to think you’re awesome. Corporate card or no. 🙂
But wouldn’t it be great if I could use that corporate card for blogging? 😉
Thanks, friend.
Eh? Fadra? Hellooo? What are you talking about? YOU ARE somebody – you are just a different somebody.
I’d be lying of I said I never felt like this – yes, sometimes I do, ok, often. I used to rock the corporate world, drive a mini, have awesome clothes, free tickets to all the concerts and shows in Dubai, rarely paid for manicures, pedicures and haircuts thanks to my job perks, free gym membership (and a body to match) … I had a company expense account … but wait, for me, it wasn’t all roses. I was single, I lived in a country where I was deeply unhappy… now I am a mother, an entrepreneur, I drive a mom wagon and well, I’m redefining “somebody” 🙂 Let’s do it together 🙂
God, I loved this comment. I want to print it and frame it and read it every day. You said it exactly. I was somebody but I wasn’t happy with that life. I love my life now. I just need to redefine what it means to be “somebody.”
I do know this feeling. And I’m sure, deep down, you know you are somebody. But it’s hard to let go of the ‘corporate card’ and all of the feelings that come with it. Be kind to yourself. I hope writing this, and just writing here in general, helps.
Actually, yes, writing this did help. I’ve had a much better week (and my husband has been home all week). Yes, I know I am somebody. I’m just a different somebody.
I relate to you entirely and now that I am older, I am so grateful for the life I have created for myself and my family. You asked about my writing porch… initially it was just my desk and books. I think what upset them was I added a chair… and then started painting out there… and from their perspective it was… odd. Heaven forbid our neighborhood look… odd. So I am bringing it back… going to see if I can build in a desk and maybe interior slats for my books, my notebooks and my WIPs that I am playing with out there. I’ll post photos in my blog & let you know when they are up… as of now, its been too sad to look at them.
I love the idea of a writing porch. I’d love to see pictures of your space once you get it set back up!
If it makes you feel any better I’m in the corporate world and still have anxiety and depression…for me it’s because I can’t be a stay at home mom and work on something I truly love…isn’t it funny that wya? You are still somebody…you’re just a different somebody…you’ve done some amazing things in the last few weeks — would you have been able to do that if you were working full-time? Maybe…maybe not. Not to get all emo on you but I find you inspiring…and I’m glad you have this place on the web for me to connect with you. Wishing you all the best!!!
Thank you for everything you said. Every. Last. Word. Because it all resonated with me. And I’m glad we’ve connected too.
I really think we are kindred spirits because I totes want to say Me Too! (Not the married part but the feeling like a woulda been). Without gushing or blowing smoke, please know that you are a huge someone to me whatever that is worth. I know its easy for me to say feel better but I hope that my saying, feel better and this will pass will halp you get over this incredible feeling.
-r
For whatever that is worth? That, my friend, is worth a tremendous amount to me. More than you know. Thanks, Rachee.
I can relate to this post on so many levels. I too, used to be a working person, who did things, and knew stuff, and went to meetings and wore suits. I left that world two years ago when my husband got transfered to Japan. I love my life at home, looking after my girl and germinating this little seed of a business that I’m growing, but sometimes, often times, I think about working in a corporate environment again. I miss thinking about strategy, and planning and growing my team.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and I wish you a speedy and smooth road to feeling good again.
Sounds like we are the same person. Except I don’t live in Japan. But most of my changes started a bit over 2 years ago and I think I’m trying to find myself. Still haven’t found her yet.
Last week, I burst into tears in a coffee shop while my husband looked on because I was having the very same crisis. Mine was brought on by the NaNo project — I was pissed off and angry at a character in my book and essentially thought she was a worthless piece of doo. Guess who that character was loosely based on? Me!
I don’t have any way to fix this for you. I’m not even sure I’ve resolved the issue for myself. Just please know that you are not alone.
Oh God. You know I started writing my book and after 2 days and 2 chapters, I realized I was writing about my life and I couldn’t stand it.
Maybe finishing the book will help us both resolve it all.
Oh Fadra, I’ve been thinking about this post all day. First of all, you still are somebody; it’s just in a different way & environment. And you inspire so many people. I so appreciate your honesty & openness, humor & depth. Thank you.
Thank you for this, Keanne. So much. Your comment brought me to tears.
You are a somebody to me! I am starting to have days like that. I am starting to get lost along the way somewhere. I hope you are feeling better this week-end, and next week, too! Hugs.
You are so much further than me because you have your blog NOW and you do such a great job with it!
I can so relate to this. I think Ethan sometimes doesn’t believe me when I tell him tales from my old working life – when I talk about traveling around the country and the world, working in film & TV production. He just can;t picture it, to him I’m just Mom, always around, never going anywhere. He was completely shocked when I took off for San Diego this past summer, and I have to say it was like riding a bicycle, slipping back to easily into the habits of traveling alone to a conference. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed it until I had it again. Did I miss my family? Truth: just a little bit. Did I want to come home after 4 days? NO. 4 days is not enough me time after 9 years.
Okay. I don’t think I can picture you in TV and film! but how exciting and yes, just a taste makes it easy to slip back into the life. It’s nice to have both worlds.
Ooh, girl. I know EXACTLY how you feel. EXACTLY. It took me a whole year just to get over the fact that I wasn’t working. I was so miserable. My husband was out there saving the world and I was changing diapers. I was so hung up on my unused credentials, my degrees, my clothing (most of what I owned was work attire), my social life, you name it…I TOTALLY understand. But I also understand that it passes. And I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing this week, too, but more about friends and relationships. All I can tell you is it will pass, and you’ll feel comfortable again. Promise.
It mostly already has passed. I’ve got so many things on the horizon. I just want the horizon to hurry up and get here.
Aaaah… I wrote about being in a funk too. Maybe it’s just that week.
You ARE somebody, somebody very important if I may add. I find it difficult not to take away from my sense of self because I’m not receiving a paycheck, I think it’s a matter of what we’ve been told as a society. Paychecks, bonuses, expense accounts don’t define the who we are and the contributions we make to this planet. You do awesome work, you are growing an online community of us who like to share what’s in our brains 5 minutes at a time, you bring awareness to different issues and use your space here to do good in the world. Sending you hugs from California!
THANK YOU, GABRIELA! Really, that makes me feel good and you hit the nail on the head. I’ve tied a lot of my worth to a paycheck. When I make a little money blogging, I get excited and then in the grand scheme of things, it seems more like play money. It’s been a better week, though.
I know the feeling. I took two years off work (I really only work 4-8 hours a week now though) and during that time one of my kids fell off her bik, I rushed to her and she said she wanted to see Aunt Lisa, because she was a nurse…I am a nurse! I know she was just a kid, but jeezzzz… No respect! Hugs to you 🙂
Ha! I’d be crushed if that happened to me. Thanks for the hugs 🙂
((((hugs))))
Thanks 🙂
Hubby and I have had those conversations before. I work part time and his favorite line is “I work all day”. Um, like I don’t between my “real” job and the Mommy/wife job? *sigh*
@texasebeth:twitter
Oh no!! I wrote a post long ago about how a woman’s work is never done. So true but something only other women will ever truly understand.
It happened to me too – for different reasons. It’s hard to give up that identity of feeling smart and engaged in the world!
The great thing about social media is that you CAN feel smart and engaged. You just don’t get compensated (much) for it. I guess that’s simply my problem.
I can relate to your feelings. I have had a challenging couple of days and for a moment was scared that I was going back to that place but like you with time I have become more aware. I hope that writing was able to help and hope that you realize that you are so much more than whatever career title you have or don’t have. Much much more.
I am to SOC Sunday and also a new reader and follower 🙂 Glad to have found your blog!
I’m so glad you stopped and read and joined 🙂 I’m not always so introspective by I definitely live my life in waves. I’m hoping that was a trough and I’m going to peak soon!
Been in a funk myself…I think I mentioned this a few weeks before. I have moments when suddenly everything is clear and just as quickly I am overcome with doubt and anxiety. I didn’t think being a mom would create such an identity crisis. But know this…you are still somebody.
I think we’ve talked about this before. It’s like being in sales. I have the highs and the lows and last Sunday definitely caught me in a low. Luckily, it doesn’t last for too long.
I think you’re somebody! I wish my blog had 262 followers, that people cared enough about my writing to comment, and that I felt like my ideas were good enough to be shared.
I get it, though. Feeling inadequate despite knowing deep down that you’re important.
Am I important to my family? Yes. Is what I’m doing on my blog important? Debatable. I love what I do but I’m always looking for the meaning. Why am I doing this? To what end? Still figuring it all out…