One of the hardest things to learn as you get older is that you can’t be all things to all people. You can’t be the best daughter, wife, mother, and friend. You can certainly try but you’ll probably lose your sanity in the process. All you can do is be the best person you can be and surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally.
Easier said than done.
I plan to keep making friends until the day I die. And I truly hope a few of them stay in it for the long haul.
***
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but a whimper.
I never knew who wrote that line but I knew it was a famous poet. I googled this before I started and found out it’s the last stanza of a poem by T.S. Eliot. I quote it often because so often things started with a bang and end with a whimper.
I started a blog last summer and it went off with a bang. It ended uneventfully with a whimper. I think I about friendships in the same way. I think about relationships in general in the same way.
We decide we’re done with someone. We want out. We don’t want to be friends. We want to forget that we are family. Whatever it is, it’s done these days with a click of a button.
Unfollow
Unfriend
Unsubscribe
And with that it’s done. All of these social programs are smart enough to not let us know when our feelings might be hurt. A friend from Facebook quietly goes away. A follower on Twitter disappears from our stats. Some people track this stuff. I call them masochists. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to feel the sting or the slap in my face.
And yet, when I discover it on my own, it still stings. We make it easy to walk away from people. We make so many wonderful connections online. We use the internet to foster all of our offline relationships as well. And with the click of a button, someone walks away. With a whimper.
19 comments
Ah, Fadra, this is a lovely post. Sad but lovely. Yes, that’s how it goes sometimes. Fortunately there are always new friends, like ME! (was lovely meeting you at BlogHer).
And don’t forget that Twitter regularly randomly unfollows people for you. Important people you do NOT mean to drop. i’m always having to check to make sure they haven’t done that to me again.
I wish this was Twitter that inspired my post. I often find the people I chat with are people that I’ve never stopped to follow (FAIL on my part). It’s not so much about online friends. It’s about people you KNOW that make simple choices instead of talking about it.
I hate when twitter unfollows people for me…..Grrr I am going to start checking to make sir I don’t unfollow my twitter friends by accident….
And sadly it is true; it is so easy, to unfollow, unfriend and unsubscribe without a second thought!
Looking forward to Blogher’12 where I will meet someone that I will not unfollow intentionally…wink wink that’s YOU!
I very very rarely unfollow someone. But sometimes you know when things aren’t accidental. And I wonder how much thought people give to their electronic actions these days.
Oh I understand what you mean. I noticed that a friend of mine wasn’t a friend on Facebook anymore and that her blog was private and I thought she wasn’t my friend anymore. So I emailed her….turns out that what was going on had nothing to do with me and she just hadn’t had the chance to email or call me and clue me in.
I had something similar recently. And I usually try to be direct. When you have a history with someone though, you know all the signs. It’s just a lot easier these days for people to walk away.
Great post. I don’t understand why Twitter has me unfollow people. I don’t understand it, but yet, I’ve gone into my own followers, and see where it says “follow” on people that I know I have followed. I’m small on Twitter so I have a good idea. When you have lots of people, it could easily go unnoticed. I hate to clutter up my dashboard, but it’s really the only way for me to follow those I want, and when you make my sidebar, like you do, then it’s even easier.
Thank God I don’t really keep track of who follows or unfollows me. It’s the other stuff that becomes more visible and more meaningful.
This is something I have often thought about – in life I am just as brutal with my friend lists as I am online. Sometimes we need to clear the dead wood. Those who bring us down, those who take us for granted and those who are users. Often it takes us a while to realise that we just need to draw a line in the sand and move on.
I personally do check who unfollowed me on twitter mainly because I am curious to know. It does sting when you realise that a facebook friend has unfriended you but usually I chalk it down individual progression – just because we were friends in the past is no certainty we will be in the future.
Like you, I love meeting people and I hope to have some of those friends go the distance.
It has gotten so much easier to let go. It really is sad. I try to give a lot of thought to unfollowing people, and I rarely do it, and ONLY with a darn good reason!
Great post, as always, Fadra!
You read my mind today.
Thank you, for that: I may go cry now.
xo
SO HAPPY I was able to hug and talk to you at BlogHer.
I agree with Varda – this is a sad but lovely post. In some ways, I feel like the social networks allow us to get away with cutting people out too easily. We don’t ever have to face them, or take stock in WHY we choose to move on. Sometimes it is something totally justified, and other times it can reflect a deeper motivation.
On the other hand, there are times in life that an unfollow button would be just so ideal. And those times are when they are most needed.
But either way, it always stings a bit when you are on the receiving end of an unfollow, unfriend, what have you. whether in real life or on-line, and these days the difference is inconsequential.
On a different note, I have just learned from all of you that Twitter randomly unfollows people for you?? WHAT?!
I totally know what you mean with this. Someone once told me that friends come into our lives for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. Most of my friendships I hope to be lifetime ones – but in looking back it’s definitely that they occur for a reason or season. That still doesn’t take away the sting though.
This was a really awesome post today, Fadra. I think so many of us can truly relate to this. I know that i’ve done it. I’ve unfriended and deleted. And because I can say it here, safely, i will admit that I’ve blocked my own biological father on Facebook. Because I don’t want him to ever run across my FB page again (he found me once through my sister’s page and started sending me messages like he knew me … it was weird. I see him once ever couple of years and never knew him growing up). And I did it so he’d stop showing up under “People you may know.”
I want to write about that, as a post … but I think he has my blog URL. I don’t know if he ever reads it. but I think he has it. Rather, i’m afraid he does. So I avoid saying that point blank. I blocked my biological father on facebook.
I’ll let that muster for a bit. Maybe I’ll drink a glass of wine, get brave, and post that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that this post meant a lot to me. & Thank you!
Thanks for sharing this today, Fadra. It’s definitely a rough one. I know you mean more than the simple unfollows. Like me cleaning my reader out recently and noticing people that hadn’t blogged in months. I took myself off their blogs, because of the obvious. Same for people who I comment and never see communicate, or I find myself never reading and it’s just more of a surface thing. I don’t consider that the same on Twitter – but I also know exactly what you mean. I don’t think I would ever do that to a friend, honestly, I don’t imagine that’s my way. And you’re someone I consider a friend – so if I ever felt like I was not going to be able to connect w/you in one way I’d sure as heck be telling you so and telling you how I would be around. If that makes sense at all. I’m kind of fuzzy-headed. And I’d better go before I comment as my own SOC post. :{}
It really has changed relationship dynamics with all of the ability to just stop posting and then disappear. I just keep imagining if we could do that with every type of relationship…what a mess!
I have experienced this quiet walking away, in real life and online. It does hurt. I’m sorry that today you are feeling this pain.
As for tracking unfollows and such? I don’t do that either. It would drive me crazy with wonder.
Thank you for this post. It’s definitely gotten easier to not be held accountable for our actions in relationships when it involves online interactions and texting. So many people are losing the ability to talk to each other face to face, to own up to their actions including the un-s, unfriend, unfollow, unsubscribe. It’s definitely harder to deal with when it’s someone you KNOW and have a shared history with.
Fadra… I heart u– and gosh this post SOOOO resonates with me!