I’ve been blogging for over four years now and I’m fortunate enough to say that I can count the negative comments I’ve received on my blog on one hand. Maybe two.
To be honest, I don’t generally write content that evokes a lot of negative emotion or really polarizes people. And I’m totally fine with that. Sometimes I dabble in politics (based purely on opinion, I’m by no means a political analyst) or I reflect on a current issue that’s on my mind. But generally, I try to keep things pretty positive in my writing.
You might find me on any given day waxing poetic about the latest wine shipment I’ve received or showing cute pictures of my kid because he is pretty darn cute. But sometimes I’ll go a little deeper or a little darker because I feel compelled to and, frankly, this is my corner of the internet so why not?
One of the things I accept about being on the internet is that I’m putting myself out there (my thoughts, my opinions, pictures of my flabby belly) and therefore inviting scrutiny of everything I say. I mean, I don’t actually invite it but the nature of the internet, and blogs in particular, is to have a conversation.
Last week, I wrote a post about Martha Stewart. It was a bit of a tongue in cheek piece written as an open letter to her, expressing how I felt about her negative comments that generalized the world of blogging. It was a bit ranty because I was feeling a bit ranty and mainly I wanted Martha Stewart herself to know that I was pissed off. And I suppose it worked. Her PR agency read my post, several times. Did Martha read it? Doubtful but I still have this innate satisfaction with having written it.
Truth be told, it’s been my most popular post ever which is awesome but I also recognize that a lot of those readers will never return to my blog. That’s okay. People are welcome to come and read and leave their thoughts if they are so inclined. And they did. I had an overwhelmingly positive response to the post but I also had some negative comments. Again, that’s okay. You take the good with the bad.
But when do negative comments and opinions become cyberbullying? And are we really overusing that word?
In my opinion, YES.
I hear the word cyberbullying thrown around a lot in the blogging world so I decided to do a little research on the topic.
First of all, it’s hard to find the use of the word cyberbullying in any context other than for teens and kids. And if you keep up with the news at all, it’s clear that this is an extremely important topic that we need to address with our children. More on that later.
But to find a definition for the word itself, I consulted my good friend Mr. Wikipedia. Now I know Wikipedia is by no means an authority but I refer to it a lot because I think it references commonly accepted ideas and definitions. So to quote…
Cyberbullying is the use of the Internet and related technologies to harm or harass other people, in a deliberate, repeated, and hostile manner. As it has become more common in society, particularly among young people, legislation and awareness campaigns have arisen to combat it.
Last week, after I wrote my post about Martha Stewart, I noticed that I was receiving a lot of traffic from an internet site that shall not be named that pretty much exists for criticizing (to put it mildly) the myriad of bloggers out there. So, out of curiosity, I went to the site that shall not be named and looked at what was being said and why it was being said.
It started off pretty mildly. A compliment of my writing, a criticism of my post, a belittling of my writing style, and a link to my post. And then it went on from there.
The open comments to me ranged from it wasn’t so bad to she should f*ck off and die. At its best, this site calls people out on their BS. At its worst, it devolves into personal attacks on family and body image (yes, my Shaklee pictures were reposted for all to see). I responded to a few of the comments simply because I feel that if someone is talking about me, I should at least be part of the conversation. But it became quickly apparent that I wasn’t going to make any new friends and it wasn’t really adding anything to my day to read the comments.
People are quick to call that bullying. So was I being cyberbullied?
I go back to the definition of cyberbullying. Was I being harmed? Maybe a little emotionally but I drink wine for things like that. Was I being harrassed? Not in my opinion. This was a forum where people express their opinions. Because I didn’t like the opinions and because they happened to be about me doesn’t make me bullied. It makes me an idiot for going to read it.
Do sites like these write about people in a deliberate, repeated, and hostile manner? Absolutely. But again, just as they don’t have to read my site, I don’t have to read theirs.
So then what is this phenomenon that many bloggers experience if it’s not cyberbullying? I’ll tell you. It’s mean people.
My sister used to have a bumper sticker on her car that vaguely resembled the graphic above. It’s a simple statement but one that’s so true. People are mean and mean people suck.
The bigger question is why do people have to be mean? I’ve actually asked a few people over the years known to be “haters” and their answers surprised me. Some were really, really off balance mentally (in my non-professional opinion). Others enjoyed what they considered a good debate and honestly felt like it was their moral responsibility to call people out on their writing, no matter how abrasive the techniques. I’d also speculate that is has something to do with self-loathing issues. If I make someone else feel bad, then in theory it should make me feel better, right?
This is not to say that cyberbullying does not go on in the blogging world. I’ve seen it first hand. I’ve seen people attack others in a mean, deliberate, and harmful way. I’ve seen them go out of their way to try to destroy someone personally and professionally. It’s awful.
The bigger issue in my mind is the next generation. Many of these “mean people” are our peers. They have blogs. They work in PR. They live in the suburbs and in the city. They work from home or work in a professional setting. And they have children.
With all of the horrific types of teen cyberbullying cases we hear in the news, my thoughts immediately go to the parents. These are learned behaviors. It’s time for cyberbullying campaigns and resources like StopBullying.gov to expand their thinking on parental involvement. While parents need to watch and monitor everything their children are doing online, it’s time for many parents to stop and reflect on their own behavior.
27 comments
While I think there is a huge problem with bullying today(and it does usually go back to the parents- when I taught and had a child who was bullying other kids, the parents themselves were usually bullies), I also think the word “bullying” is overused.
I had to have a talk with my oldest last week when he called someone a bully. The child in question had a jerk moment. But it wasn’t repeated, it was an isolated incident that while it temporarily hurt my son’s feelings, wasn’t bullying.
Still- I do think we as adults need to look at the examples we’re setting for our kids.
Hands down, I think a lot of this behavior goes back to the parents. But I’m also not going to misuse the word because it then takes away from people truly being bullied, a really horrific thing. I talk often with my son about bullying and what it is and what it isn’t.
You know how I feel about this, Fadra. It is imperative that we focus on adult attitudes and behaviors. While what you describe may not be considered cyberbullying, the true form of it does go on between adults. Often. And the mean behavior translates into attitudes and behaviors that are picked up on by our kids. It is not harmless.
Incivility, or meanness, has become a way of life in our society. And cyberbullying among adults is on the rise. That is not OK. Thank you for this thoughtful and though-provoking post.
Thanks for the link to that post. I like that term “incivility” but yes, it’s simply a nice word for people being mean. The worst part is that the people who are mean on a regular basis (both online and off) don’t even realize it. I think they walk around with a sense of entitlement. I see my son reflecting a lot of my own behaviors (both good and bad) and it often makes me stop and rethink or at least have a conversation with him.
When I hear justifications for this sort of behavior, I see two basic defenses: the subjects “asked for it” by putting themselves out there, or they aren’t “real people” so it doesn’t matter. I think those are both twisted lines of logic. If you spend any time reading hate sites or leading hateful or mean comments, you have a problem. You’re kind of a jerk and you have to admit that to yourself. It’s not silly, it’s not “just gossip,” it’s harmful and it hurts real people. You need something better to do with your life. Seriously. Your time is better spent doing ANYTHING productive than in this kind of crappy behavior. Go scrub the tile with a toothbrush. Walk your dog. Knit sweaters for the homeless. ANYTHING.
I had a “mean” comment on a my blog a few months ago where someone agreed with my post but felt compelled to tell me first that they didn’t particularly like me. While that’s certainly someone’s right, I couldn’t figure out why they felt the need to tell me that. Kinda mean and I called him/her out on it. People are weird.
Holy crap, I love you so much for this. This right here:
“Because I didn’t like the opinions and because they happened to be about me doesn’t make me bullied.”
I am going to scream if I see one more person claim to be “bullied” because someone else said something mean, has a different opinion, or was just being a bitch. That’s not bullying, and the word is cheapened when it gets thrown around like that.
It’s like the little boy who cried wolf and after a while nobody believed him. Bullying is a SERIOUS issue and one I still can’t wrap my head around. But there are more mean people than bullies out there. I don’t happen to like either one but it’s easier to walk away from the mean people.
Fortunately, the bully doesn’t get to define “bullying;” which, they always attempt to do.. Bullying isn’t simply a black and white definition – it is like harassment – it is defined by emotional or physical distress. The line is crossed when someone suffers. Period. Bullies need to stop blaming other people for their behavior. Being a “bitch” isn’t acceptable when it becomes hurtful – psychologically or physically. It’s cowardly.
Yes, I think the word bully is being used out of context. It seems to be a catchall phrase for any type of mean behavior. Many people are A**holes, but that doesn’t make them bullies.
People are a**holes? I think you just just described half the internet. The other half, however, I love completely. They’re my people.
Well said! I actually have a post half written about this very topic, and now I don’t even need to write it. I think we use the word ‘bully’ way too frequently and it’s especially true in the blogging world.
We’ve had to discuss with our kids who are getting all kinds of bully prevention training that when someone does something you don’t like or even says something mean that it doesn’t mean that they are a bully. Sadly I can share my own experiences in high school to illustrate the differences.
On that site there is some smart debate, but most often it crosses into behavior that’s mean (as it did in your case), and occasionally I have seen it effect someone’s livelihood or their personal safety (addresses or info that you can use to find someone’s address being shared for instance) that crosses the line into scary territory.
I think part of the problem in any online space is that anyone can be anonymous. I have enough experience to know that being anonymous can bring out the worst in some people.
I don’t know that there’s a good solution to it, but wine sounds like a good plan. 😉
Being anonymous certainly makes it easier for some. But there’s this perception that they are all loners who are sitting in their mother’s basement finding ways to spread hate. They’re not. They are probably a lot like you and me. But the problem is that real debate gets lost in those that want to simply belittle a person. Trust me, on rough days, wine helps.
As always- so well said Fadra! I think the “internet age” has moved us past the times of gossiping over the backyard fence with the next-door neighbor to more boldly sharing opinions online in a nasty negative way. People seem to enjoy putting others down as a way to feel better about themselves- and there are so many public forums to do that now. It’s just ugly,
It’s so much easier to hide behind a screen. It’s not much different than ugly gossiping except that now the world is your subject and everyone in the internet can become your gossiping buddy. Easy to spiral out of control.
OH good thoughts. Great conversation starter here too. You should reach out to Gigi and get this added to her Bonfire Chat discussions that she hosts. It would definitely be a fantastic conversation to continue having. Always great to read your thoughts. You are so great at rising above all the bull to pull out what’s important. You impress me my friend. 🙂
Thank you, Nicole! Just something itching away at my mind and I felt I had to get it out there this morning.
Really well said. It’s true that if you are going to put yourself out there you need to develop a thick skin. That’s unfortunate but true. People who are mean in real life get really ugly on line. Something about the anonymity of the internet seems to deaden their conscience and they have completely forgotten the Golden Rule. Or maybe they think there isn’t room or time for being polite. Whatever the case it’s a shame that the internet brings out the worst in people who aren’t strong enough mentally, emotionally or morally to take the high road.
I actually thought my skin was thinner than it is. While I don’t feel good when people say ugly things, I think I’m old enough to have perspective. And about them forgetting the Golden Rule? I’m guessing they never knew about it in the first place.
NO. I don’t think you need to “grow thick skin” to deal with hateful behavior. Good grief. Here we are making excuses for adult bullying. You do not need to change yourself to comfort the personality problems of others. This is your page – you should feel safe and at ease within your own blog/page, but the truth is, at times reading comments makes me feel very anxious. That is a real problem, whether bullies want to admit it or not. Everyone reading this thread should watch this CNN series (just published). It goes over all of these issues. 🙂 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkgPTxmvjFs#t=1196
I completely agree with you, Fadra, on the overuse of the word “bully.” Bullying is a very serious issues, a very serious problem, but every mean person is not a bully. And yes, mean people suck, and I wish they would keep their mouths shut too, but I don’t think every person who says something mean is a bully. Now why people feel the need to say mean things, I do not and will not every understand, but I know that I try my very best to teach my children to be kind, accepting, and respectful. I wish all parents would do the same.
I think the thing is that bullies are mean people. But mean people aren’t necessarily bullies. I don’t like either one but it’s important to distinguish between them. I’m with you, though. I don’t understand any of them.
I hate that you were bullied over this. Bullied over being honest. There is just no place for that on the internet or anywhere. People hide behind their computers to say what they want, with complete disregard for humanity. I think those that bully are basically unhappy, unfulfilled human beings. Were they at one time bullied? Is this their lashing out? What happened to mutual respect. Genuine kindness. And love for each other. What happened to building each other up? What happened to encouragement.
I want to encourage you dear friend. Keep writing from the heart. Keep being true to your feelings. Keep being you. You? You is beautiful…inside and out.
Oh, Lisa. I don’t feel like I was bullied. I’ve seen people bullied online and it was ugly. I just suffered the wrath of really mean people. And the great thing is, I don’t have to read any of it if I don’t want. Which is what I’m choosing to do. But I am still baffled by what these people feel in their hearts. I can’t even begin to understand how people can be so vicious.
In defense of parents of bullies, not every kid learns that from their parents. I would say that I dabbled in bullying as a kid. I was not a sociopath setting out to make other kids feel bad but I also wasn’t always nice. This behavior was entirely born out of my desire to make friends (as weird as that sounds) and to defensively push kids away before they could do the same to me first. It was a self-esteem thing and not at all learned behavior from my lovely parents that were appalled on the one occasion that my behavior was enough to warrant a phone call from another parent (god, I’m so sorry mom and dad! And to Meg, the girl that prompted the call). I feel uncomfortable any time a kid’s bad behavior is immediately attributed to bad parenting or the parent’s own bad behavior. Just thought I should point out that while some kids are a$$holes because their parents are too, some are just a$$holes in their own right (because a lot of comments are mentioning parents in connection to bullying).
Great post, Fadra! It’s important for people to realize that not all negative comments or actions are bullying behaviors. Some people are just mean. I think we are quick to jump on the newest thing and label anything remotely resembling it as such. Bullying is different than what you’ve experienced here. And it certainly isn’t bullying if you’re not feeling bullied.
I’m still sorry you were the recipient of the meanness, though. You are probably one of the nicest people out there! 🙂
And I’m glad you didn’t name that website, because I’d probably search it out or click on the link if there was one. I don’t need to work that hard at looking for negativity.
Thank you so much for blogging this because it is a BIG issue – a real issue – and it isn’t limited to children. Adult bloggers (wherever it may be) are attacked on a regular basis by hateful adults and it SUCKS. It sucks a lot. It sucks that I commit my time and energy (as a dietitian!) to provide free education to the public when many times, the attacks and insults leave me in tears. It is very sad and I pray for these people, but it slowly begins to break down your spirit. You’re right – some days you might be in a mood to post about something atypical to someone and they will literally lose their mind about it – about 1 post. I haven’t read the other comments in this thread yet, but I will, and I am going to continue to speak out about these issues as well. Today I described one individuals comments as cyber bullying (because it is, whether they know it or not) and then I received several attacks from her and her bully friends laughing about my accusation of cyber bullying!! See what I mean? This is very typical cyber-bullying behavior! SO.. I deleted and banned. I can’t subject myself to this type of behavior day in and day out. It isn’t right and I am growing extremely tired of it. I’m not sure what Facebook is doing, but it isn’t enough. There aren’t enough brave people out there – like you – drawing attention to this issue and we desperately need it. Otherwise… the good blogs will die. Good natured people can’t deal with this garbage on a regular basis. It isn’t natural. There are def. times where I wonder why I even continue with the page considering the occasional hateful comments, but hurtful comments are never OK – ever. It also seems that the more followers I get, the more bullies that show up with hate. Sigh. 🙂 Thanks again for this post because I was starting to wonder if I was the only one… <3