If you didn’t read a few weeks ago about how I was wondering if my biological clock is broken, stop right now and read it. I’ll wait.
Okay, see where we left off? I had some people wondering if I was declaring my son officially an only child or if it was a thinly veiled attempt to announce a second pregnancy. I’m sorry to say that it is neither. I’ll give you a little insight.
I love the idea of having lots of kids. I truly enjoy being around kids. I have fun with them. I make them laugh. They make me laugh. It might have something to do with the fact that I can appreciate potty humor.
I love having my son. Although I’ve always admitted I’m not a “baby person,” I fantasized about the sweet moments we would have in the nursery. I would sing to my son and rock him to sleep. He would coo at me and then grow into a precious little boy as we all lived and slept happily ever after.
Before reality sets in…
CRASH!
You know that sound. That’s the sound of reality crashing in on you. If you’re a parent, you know that I truly was living in a fantasy world. I’m still not a “baby person” but now I know why. I feel helpless with babies. I don’t know what they need. I stress about what they aren’t getting and what they are getting. And my son was an easy baby.
I mean, look at that precious baby!
Then there’s the whole sleep thing. Some people live in some kind of baby euphoria where their body seems just fine regardless of how little or how broken their sleep is. I’m not one of those people. The stress, the lack of sleep, the uncertainty. It was no surprise to anyone but me when a year into motherhood I suffered a severe bout of insomnia brought on by depression.
I remember saying, “I’m not depressed! I’m just tired!”
Turns out that the two often go hand and hand. It took me a couple of months and a lot of family support to feel like myself again. I started to really look at why I became depressed. You could call it post-partum depression. But a year later? Maybe I was just building up to the diagnosis. I was certainly overstressed, much of it brought on myself. And my biggest stress? The stress of having another baby.
Who wouldn’t want another perfect angel?
Although my husband and I talked about having kids, we surprisingly didn’t talk that seriously about it until my first pregnancy was confirmed. He said, “well, if we’re having one, we’re having two.” Really? Ummm, okay. That kind of sounded like my original plan anyway. And I planned to have the kids two years apart.
I wanted to make sure my kids were close in age. I wanted to make sure they would be best of friends. I wanted a tight knit family. That meant that I would start trying to get pregnant with a second baby when my son was just over a year old. Factor in a few months of trying and BINGO, we’d be right on schedule.
Can you guess when my insomnia kicked in? The month before I was going to start trying. Coincidence? Not in the slightest. As any mother of a one year old will tell you, the last thing you are looking forward to is going through that first year all over again. Yes, there are wonderful moments and milestones. Surprises I could have never expected. Delights at the simplest things. But let’s face it. It’s hard.
So for a variety of reasons, we put off thinking about baby #2. My mommy friends all got pregnant. They all had their second child. I felt envy. I felt jealous. I felt angry that my body seemed to betray me. Well, my brain anyway. I also felt relief. I had more freedom. My life was settling into a routine. The three of us were becoming a family. I showered every day and put on make up. I had forgotten what a frazzled Fadra looked like. And most importantly, I got to enjoy every moment of toddlerhood on into the preschool years without a distraction.
Me and my favorite little boy
Now those second babies are getter older. The moms are still a little frazzled but those toddlers are just so darn cute. They are walking and talking and I see the blossoming sibling relationship. I’m still a little jealous.
My son is three. He’ll be four next January. I couldn’t even tell you how many months he is. I forgot how much diapers cost. I’m not sure I would know what to do with a bottle. Or when to give them solid food. And what do I look out for? Lead? Cadmium? BPAs?
I’m rounding the corner to forty this year. I’m okay with that. But I realize that my biological clock is ticking. I don’t want to be an “old” mom. With my first pregnancy, I was already of “advanced maternal age” according to my clinicians. If I had another one, would they be embarrassed of their old mom at their high school graduation? And who’s to say I would stay sane this time around?
For now, my choice is to focus on my one and only. My sweet baby Evan, who is growing like a weed. I still delight in him. He still surprises me, usually in a good way. I also accept the fact that he may miss out on having siblings. My mother was an only child and insists it is a sad and lonely existence. As one of four kids (my husband too), it is this fact that keeps me up at night.
My, how the little hellion has grown
Is it better to be a good mom to one or a harried mom to two or more? It’s a highly personal decision. I’ve tried to get people to tell me what to do so the burden of the decision wouldn’t be mine. But there is no wrong or right.
Parenting is hard. Motherhood is indescribably hard. I’d love to hear how you’ve come to terms with the “right” number of children. I’d also love to hear if you struggle as much as I do. And thank you, as always, for sharing!
If you didn’t get a chance to read the essay I posted yesterday (Love by the Numbers), it’s a beautiful perspective written by a father of three.
43 comments
here's what I can tell you – I am 42 – my kids are 9 1/2 and 3 1/2. . .I thought we were going to remain a family of three and we were quite happy about it. . .life happens =) we are a family of 4 and most days I wouldn't trade a thing =)
Hillary
I think only you can know what is right for your family. I had 2 brothers (as well as a number of guy cousins my age), and while I was never truly alone in my family… I always felt “alone” siblings-wise (being the only girl). I think growing up doesn't depend on who is around – but rather how well you feel supported in what you are persuing and knowing how loved you are.
Love your post! I can really relate to it. My 2 children are five years apart in age. It took me a long time until I felt ready for #2…..and I was certainly in the minority of all the moms I knew. My husband and I are both only children and we didn't really want that for our family…so that weighed heavily in our decision making.
SUCH an interesting question. I think that all sizes of families work, and that whatever you feel is right should be what you try for.
Now I'll get more personal by adding that since I was a little girl, I've planned on growing up and having 11 kids. I know, crazy right? There wasn't anything magical about the number, I simply knew I wanted a huge houseful. And sometimes it'll come up with people and they'll react with shock and I always wave off their response with “Well, I've never had one, so don't actually know what I'm talking about, who knows what I'll say once I actually have to deal with real live children.” And then the person is like “Okay…”
Possibly the strangest reaction is my best friend, who every single time it comes up looks over at me with shock and says “I didn't know that about you” and then I tell her that in fact she did, and for some reason just blocks the knowledge every time she learns it.
It's possible my desire for tons of kids came out of being an only child. And it's true, I always wanted siblings. Sadly, my desire was for older siblings, so it probably was a doomed wish from the start. Still, I wouldn't categorize my childhood as sad or lonely. I don't look back and think about how my life could have been different, and I'm very close to both of my parents, so I don't feel as though I never had a tight family.
I think this comment might have gotten too long and far too boring – sorry!
My son is only 6 months old and I have already started stressing about baby #2. I do know that I want another child– probably only one more– but I also can admit now that I don't think I'll be ready to try again as soon as I thought I would. You're right- the first year of motherhood is tough, even with an “easy” baby. Like you, I don't do well on broken sleep. But now, with one baby, I can take naps with him during the day. My mind races when I think about having a toddler AND a newborn. There will be no more naps. There will be even less sleep. There will be a lot of commotion, a lot of craziness. I know because I watch my older sister juggle 3 boys, all under 5 years old & she is FRAZZLED.
So, I think my ideal number is 2, with maybe 3-4 years between them. We'll see. After dealing with two years of infertility before conceiving my son, I know now that nothing's a given.
I love this post. Your one is crazy cute!
How did I come to my number? Poor birth control. 🙂 I always saw myself with a big family, but I think we're done with three. It's crazy enough around here.
I am an only child… my mom says that's why I have so many kids… rebellion LOL
It is a personal decision. I was harried with one, so adding another (or six) didn't make much difference here. I suspect I'd be harried without kids though.
Thanks for sharing your story. I've been waiting to see what your original biological clock post was all about 🙂
When I got married, I became an insta-mom! My husband has full custody of his two kids. They wanted to call me mom (biomom isn't around) and I wanted to call them my kids. So we've been a family for three years.
When I first became a mom, my kids were 8 and 9. Now they're 12 and 13. It's been a wild ride and we've only just begun. (BTW, I'm not a baby person at all, so this is actually better for me!)
I would love to open my home to foster kids or maybe even adopt some older kids – but later in life. Maybe after the kids are adults. Josh isn't on board with that since he's been raising kids since he was 17. But we're young parents and so perhaps after a 5-10 years alone together (we're doing it soooo backwards :), maybe he'll be ready to help some kids out.
By the way, your hair looks great in those pics!
I love this because my daughter is 4 and everyone constantly asks when we are having another one.
After the first few weeks of my daughter's birth, I decided that this was it. One was enough for me (she was not a good baby).
I still stand by that. And I've come to be very comfortable in that decision. It's not an easy one. But I am determined for her not to have a “sad and lonely existence”.
And your son is adorable!!
Oh, I totally could have written that. Not as eloquently as you – but you know what I mean 🙂 As I mentioned to you, our son is a 3rd gen only child. Surely all the reasons are different, but I guess because *I'm* an only I don't really fret him not having a sibling. And actually, dad is one of five and has no desire to have another in part due to some, er, rocky relationships with most of his siblings :/ It's nice to choose your “brothers” sometimes and heck I have some mean cousins on my side! Anyway, it's not totally out of the question to have another, nothing ever really is, now is it? Except when menopause sets in I guess…:-)
Big is overrated. Unless you're the Partridge Family. Who didn't want to be like them and take up an entire groovy bus?
My mom often referred to how 3 of her 4 children were “surprises.” But yes, everything happens for a reason and it sounds like you've figured that out.
I love your comment sooooo much. Yes, it does matter your family environment. I grew up with friends who had siblings they HATED. I guess we always assume that brothers and sisters are friends for life and that may not always be the case.
I have only met one only child who ever chose to have an only child. Most of them don't want them to grow up the way they did. I guess that says something about the experience of only children.
Are you kidding me, Megan? I could have kept reading. As for 11 children, it makes me think of the movie This is Spinal Tap. What's special about their amplifiers is they go to 11 instead of 10. It's one louder. If you haven't seen the movie, please do. And good luck with that 11 kids business. My mother-in-law was one of 12 so it can be done. But you better get started soon 😉
Thanks so much for stopping by! Your blog is beautiful. I look forward to reading all about Camden. Do me a favor. Don't make my mistakes and stress yourself out thinking about #2. Enjoy #1 and the right moment will come along.
Oh, if someone could hand me a 2 year old right now, I'd be totally cool with that. I'm all about the insta-mom thing. Some people raise kids all their lives. I mentioned my MIL had 12 kids. Think of how many years of child-rearing and pregnancy she had. I spent plenty of childless years and enjoyed it soooo much. But kids definitely keep you young. And age you all at the same time.
My mom was an only child and she had four. I think some people are more suited to chaos. Maybe if my type-A personality would relax a little, I'd be just fine. Thanks for stopping by!
This is a fabulous post.
I know I want two kids. But the timing of it all throws me into a tizzy and I know I need to relax.
The sleep thing is huge. Our house is just at the point that we all sleep until 7 (MOST days) again. I can't imagine starting from scratch.
It's a big decision – but it's different for everyone. Some people thrive in chaos; others lose it just a bit. And it's all hard – whether you have one or four.
Thanks for sharing this!
I never thought that how many children to have would be such a difficult decision. Being a mom is SO HARD. When I had my 2nd (right after my 1st turned 2) it ROCKED my world. My husband and I are both from families with 3 and we always said we would have 3. However at the moment I can barely handle my 2! You are so brave to really listen to yourself about what is best for you.
You did make a beautiful child! Would be hard to not make another. 🙂 It is hard to not listen to everyone around you, but as always, do what if best for you!
Lover your blog, found it on Lady Bloggers!
Oh man, this is my problem…I don't want Everly to be an only child, but I can't decide if that's a good enough reason to have another. I loved being pregnant, I enjoy being a mommy but OMG I am barely surviving here some days, could I do it again? With a toddler kicking around?
I have NO idea how anyone has more than 1 baby, ever. Granted Everly is 12 weeks so I assume things get better and easier but still, could I do it again? I don't know. I could be pregnant forever, but another newborn? The thought petrifies me to no end.
I have no answer, if you find one, let me know.
Two has been absolutely insane but I think part of it is that I'm now a blogger, a part-time employee, housekeeper (we had a cleaning service for that before #2 was born), a non-profit committee chair, etc. I'm stretched too thin and that contributes to the stress… but I digress!
You're right… one is easy. Sleep is good most days, you have the routine down pat, the chaos has settled for the most part and you're used to being a parent to THAT child. Then you have another and he's a NEW child. One with DIFFERENT needs and one that you've got to get to know little by little.
I tell you what though. Two is perfect for me RIGHT NOW. Three? I'm not there yet.. and I don't need to be! In this moment, I'm dealing with the big bro jealousy but I'm also witnessing an unimaginable sweetness watching Big Bro interact with the little guy.
Whatever you decide will be perfect for your family, whether it's 1, 2, whatever. I think the Family Circle article is spot on in that regard. And BTW, your little guy is SO darling in that beach picture.
(Gosh that was rambling)
Oh Fadra
I can't pretend to have any sort of sage advice, but I also can't seem to sit quietly, either. Firstly, your boy is beautiful. Why mess with perfection, right? I have two daughters. They are 7 and 5. My hubs and I wanted a third child … and always thought we would have another, but life got hectic and finances got seriously messed up for a while and, well … to shorten a long story, he just had a vasectomy three months ago. I cried afterward. Even though 'we' made the decision. I, too am round that corner you mentioned. See – you never really know for sure what would have been. If I had stopped at my first, Stretch and I would be closer for not having to share my time … but then we wouldn't have Shorty in our lives. There is no right or wrong answer. It is what it is and you just make it work.
As a side note, I was an only child for the first 10 years of my life and the addition of my two half sisters, while good for slight entertainment, didn't really add or detract from my life as I knew it … and I wasn't sad or lonely.
It may be possible that your body was trying to tell you something when you were putting that pressure on yourself. Only you can make the choice… except I think maybe you already have.
I know that other people's opinions shouldn't matter but it is nice to hear someone that is following the same path I seem to be on
My husband and I have discussed the same point. Having siblings doesn't necessarily mean you'll be best friends for life.
Yeah – me and chaos? Notsomuch. And not being a morning person doesn't really help with having a small child. I thought i might convert at some point but my body still longs to stay up late and sleep in. You know you are a mom when you are happy you don't have to get up until 7am.
In a few years, you'll be so thrilled and proud you made it through the early years. And then you'll forget how hard they were and have a third. But at least you'll have 2 little helpers by then.
So happy you stopped by! I love meeting new readers. I need to get on the networking thing because I know there are so many fab blogs out there!
If it makes you feel better, it wasn't until after my son turned 1 that I could finally see how people would think about having another. At 12 weeks, antihero baby will NOT be top of mind. And I would think you insane if it was. It does get better!
Let's be clear. One is NOT easy. But it sure is easier than two 😉
I think it's important to recognize that every child is different. If we could predict if our children would be easy or difficult, it might make it easier. I had a psychic tell me my second child would be very easy. If only I could believe her…
Thanks for the compliment. I can only take half credit for the good looks. I think I'm fine with one child but saying it out loud and consciously making the decision just makes it harder to accept (much like the vasectomy). On the flip side, with all the infertility problems out there, I am just thrilled and thankful to be a mom to a healthy little boy.
I just loved, loved, loved reading your blog. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts. I couldn't agree more!
Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate the comment!
Wow…I could have written this post only it would not have been written as well as you did it.
I am going on 36 and have a 16 month old and everyday I flip flop about having a 2nd child. It stresses me out, makes me cry, keeps me up at night. There is guilt at having to split my time between 2. There is guilt at having only one and leaving him alone without a sibling when my husband and I get old because every only child I talk to says it is so lonely.
I see pregnant women and my stomach aches in jealousy but then my toddler gives me hell and I think I can't handle two of these running wild and testing my patience. I look for signs and something or someone to tell me we are done but so far I've got nothing. My husband says he will be happy with just his little man but I know deep down he wants a second child. I am happy to be a stay-at-home but with no family near and no friends, it's hard, even with one. How can I make a decision, one way or the other and be happy and at peace with it? Guess if I stress one way or the other, I am not ready to make one yet, huh?
(I came over from Mommy Needs a Vacation)
I was so pleased to come across your post. Our sons are the same age (yours is ADORABLE, by the way) and mine is likely to remain an only child. Everyone around us is having multiple children and I feel like a serious black sheep for stopping at one. Our friends think we’re strange and the “lonely only” stories don't make me feel any better. But, I am comforted by the fact that our house of three feels right for us (at least for now). My husband and I are on the same page and while we can solicit (and value) the opinions of friends/family, it’s OUR decision. When I start stressing over the possibility of another child (or get quizzical comments from friends), I remind myself to chill out…we’re doing what is right for us.
This is a great post and so true! I have two boys and people always ask me if I will try again for a girl. Of course I would LOVE a girl but I dont think I physically and mentally could do it. Two boys is enough for me. They are fun, energetic and I am finally starting to get some type of life back…..I love the honestly in your post.
I'm so glad you found my blog! Sounds like you and I are kindred spirits because I relate to every single thing you said. I almost wish I had someone say YOU ARE HAVING ANOTHER ONE. You don't have a choice. Because then I wouldn't have to make the decision. I keep saying that I haven't closed the book. But I did recently donate a bunch of old baby stuff. It made me very nostalgic and wistful but I don't regret having donated the stuff. It actually felt good. And believe it or not, you do have time.
Emily – I'm really glad you found me. Sounds like you have your head screwed on straight. The only pressure I ever feel is from my mother who was an only child. But I have to remind myself that HER childhood was very different from my son's childhood. It's your family and your decision and doesn't need justification to anyone else.
You hit on a good point. Getting your life back. My son is 3 1/2 and we went to the movies together yesterday. I felt like a whole new world opened up for us! Babies do put your life on hold. For me, I'm thrilled to have a happy (mostly, he is 3) healthy child who brings me to life. So glad you stopped by!
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In my “life plan” from way-back-when-I-didn’t-know-anything, I figured that I would be married, with two kids just a couple of years apart and that my life would be flowing along smoothly all before I turned 30… ummm… I turned 30 in August. I’m married. Kid #1 just turned 2… and we’re not yet even trying for Kid #2… although we’re KINDA discussing it… ya know, if, when, how many.
I grew up with a sister just 19mos younger than me, and we had several cousins of near-ages on both sides of the family, all living within 15minutes of us… (one side within 5 minutes) so growing up we were ALWAYS surrounded by other kids… and both sides of our family are super close… Hubs has two sisters, many cousins, and they often hung out when they were young, but not much as they grew older, and they really aren’t close at all…
Now I’m realizing that our Goose is not going to have that kind of relationship with her cousins, I mean yeah, they’ll love each other, but they don’t see each other daily (like we did at school, or during the summer) or even weekly, but more often bi-weekly, or just a couple of times a month, and it’s all because we live 40 minutes from “home” – whereas everyone else lives in that same small two-town radius (for the most part)…
I want her to HAVE what I had, what Hubs had… I *WANT* her to grow up with a built-in best friend. someone who will love her, protect her, fight with/against/for her, stand up for her, as she will do all of those for her sibling(s?)… and I think I’m *finally* ready to start trying for #2… all that’s left to do is convince the Hubs 😉
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