You know how people always talk about someone being really passive-aggressive? I never really got that. I always smiled and nodded. I kind of knew what it meant but just sort of ignored it.
But I needed to know exactly what it meant so I googled it and decided that the Mayo Clinic probably knows what they’re talking about:
Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does. For a passive-aggressive person, true feelings are shared through actions, not words.
And then the lightbulb went off. I get it. I totally get it. In fact, I’m probably somewhat guilty of it. People that know me will tell you I can be bold, opinionated, talkative, stubborn, and also quite opinionated. It doesn’t mean I have to be right, it just means that I usually know where I stand.
That being said, I am definitely one to shy away from confrontation. I just don’t like it. It makes me feel all icky inside. I actually grew up in a household of yelling and arguing and for years I was quite good at it. These days, I work on being a kindler, gentler Fadra. The thought of fighting with someone gives me a pit in my stomach.
So I will readily admit that I let myself be pushed around at times. I agree to do things I don’t really want to do. I don’t want conflict, I don’t want to be bullied, and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
But what I find is I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of passive aggressive behaviors. I tend to attract these types of people as “friends.” These are the people that say something that is so full of hidden meaning that you don’t know if you’re being paranoid or if they really just told you your house is a dump. Call it a back-handed compliment.
“WOW! Your house looks so CLEAN!!!”
Thank you! I think…
And if you were to call the person out and say, “Wait a minute, are you saying my house is normally messy?” they just may accuse you of jumping to ridiculous conclusions.
It’s called plausible deniability.
So I’ve had many of these people in my life over the past few years. And I stay friends with them. I try to be a good friend. I cater to their whims. I go out of my way for them. I rearrange my schedule for them. And let me tell you, it’s a mostly thankless friendship. But it’s a pattern you first have to recognize before you can stop it.
I remember having a talk about this with my yoga teacher. She gave me some simple advice.
Sometimes you have to weed your garden.
So I started weeding. Not intentionally and not in a confrontational way. I was just more open to letting nature take its course. I was able to say no thanks. I drifted away from the friendships that were sucking the life out of me. And you know what? I actually feel much better.
Sometimes we think that a friend is a friend is a friend. Friendships evolve and grow over time. They always say that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I’d like to stick with my lifetime friends.
35 comments
I feel like you just wrote exactly how I feel on every level! The pit in the stomach, the letting friends have their ways even at my own expense. Great post! I really need to weed my garden and not just feel firm in my beliefs but stand up for them in the process!
Ugh – I wrote it on a whim and felt so good after I wrote it. I’m glad you liked it.
I can sooooo relate to this post. I think we all need to weed our gardens occasionally!
I thought you might like this one.
Yep, every now and then every garden needs a good weeding! But what happens when the PA folks are your FAMILY?
Then you simply put up with it and complain about it to your husband 😉
LOVE love love this post.
I did the same thing. I’m in a small town, and someone who I have been friends with forever, began to say not so nice things to me.
Like, all the time.
Like, “wow…how can you find anything in your house?” and “gee, it must be SO TOUGH to always have your husband gone.”
No, thank.you.
I’m done with her. And it seems like she doesn’t miss me too much, either.
This was an awesome, true, how life really is, post.
I’ve had about 3 of these friendships shake down in the past few months. It kind of hurts your feelings but then hindsight is 20/20. You really start thinking about things that were said and feel good for moving on but feel bad for waiting so long to take a stand.
I’ve had about 3 of these friendships shake down in the past few months. It kind of hurts your feelings but then hindsight is 20/20. You really start thinking about things that were said and feel good for moving on but feel bad for waiting so long to take a stand.
Just did the same thing recently and my life feels lighter.
Even good people aren’t always good for you…and that was the hardest thing for me to realize (Gosh I like this person! But they’re not really behaving as a friend should!).
Weeding is underrated. Glad it turned into a positive experience for you.
I think that’s the point. Some of the people you do like. You just wish they treated you differently. The older I get, the better I get at weeding 😉
I think that’s the point. Some of the people you do like. You just wish they treated you differently. The older I get, the better I get at weeding 😉
On closer inspection, some relationships are much more toxic than you think, which is why I also subscribe to the ‘weeding’ philosophy.
Maybe that’s why I don’t have any (geographically) close friends…
Ha! I seem to be weeding out a lot of the same. I think it’s okay. I think that we make friends with people because they live close – not necessarily because they are the people best suited to be our friends. I have found more people online that I have a lot more in common with.
Ha! I seem to be weeding out a lot of the same. I think it’s okay. I think that we make friends with people because they live close – not necessarily because they are the people best suited to be our friends. I have found more people online that I have a lot more in common with.
I LOVE this. I think friendships ebb and flow…not everyone is forever.
Yes! No one sets out to have a temporary friendship but everything is for a reason.
Yes! No one sets out to have a temporary friendship but everything is for a reason.
Oh this is captures the dynamic of female friends- I notice it increases when discussing children, too. Weeding is the perfect term- sometimes you really have to take stock of your garden. (I clearly don’t garden as I bet there is a witty way to phrase that 🙂 )
Thank God it’s a metaphor because I’m not much of a gardener either. And although it is mostly women, I have seen some male friendships the same way (my husband’s male friends, that is).
Thank God it’s a metaphor because I’m not much of a gardener either. And although it is mostly women, I have seen some male friendships the same way (my husband’s male friends, that is).
Great post, Fadra. I have a tremendously passive-aggressive person in my life. Unfortunately, it’s my own mother. The past few years, I have had to really limit how much time I spend with her, so that we can maintain some semblance of a mother-daughter relationship. I think the older I get, the less willing I am to tolerate her PA behavior, but it’s too mentally exhausting to confront her every time she is being PA!
With age comes wisdom and the ability to make better decisions about your life. I remember reaching a point where I thought “I don’t really *need* my parents. Having them in my life is a choice.”
Not that I don’t appreciate the whole giving me life thing, but sometimes adults don’t get along with adults – even when they’re family.
With age comes wisdom and the ability to make better decisions about your life. I remember reaching a point where I thought “I don’t really *need* my parents. Having them in my life is a choice.”
Not that I don’t appreciate the whole giving me life thing, but sometimes adults don’t get along with adults – even when they’re family.
Love, love this post. The great thing about weeding your garden is, once the weeds have gone, it gives the other remaining plants so much more room to blossom and grow and strengthen. BOOYAH.
(I don’t know why I had to ruin a perfectly deep and zen comment with a BOOYAH but I just did. It’s how I roll. Work with me, Fadra)
xox
I’ll take a booyah any day on a post like this. I just didn’t know they had that word down under. And that’s a lovely way to look at it. I’ve always preferred to go deep instead of wide.
I wish I was better at weeding out relationships that don’t benefit me. It’s something I really need to work on but I keep wimping out!
Thanks for reminding a fellow non-confrontational girl that it’s worth it and necessary.
Oh – you will feel the burden being lifted when you actually release ties. You can do it and you’ll be happier for it!!
Love this post! Passive-aggressive people are so difficult to deal with because as you said, hindsight is 20-20 and in the moment it’s hard to recognize the PA behavior. I’m sure there are some friendships that I need to look at more closely. Thanks for bringing it up to the forefront.
Why are there so many of them? And mostly women!! Hindsight is definitely 20-20, especially for me over the past year.
Great post Fadra! It is so much of what I am going through right now. I know all will be better in the end…just wish we didn’t have to go through all of the yucky feelings that go with it at first.
Cheryl – even with knowing I’m leaving some unhealthy relationships behind, I still feel really really bad about it. I still feel sad and excluded but have faith and hope that more compatible friends are out there!
This is so true. Passive-aggressive people make me really angry. I am borderline aggressive but I can mostly keep it in check…unless someone is being passive-aggressive.
Yes, I can delve deep down into some childhood issues & my absolute need to know where I stand with people, good or bad.
I have had to weed my garden many times. I can only handle one passive-aggressive person (my mom – love her to death) and one drama-seeker in my life at a time.
Awesome advice from your yoga instructor
I’m glad you shared this with me a few days ago–I’ve been waiting for the right frame of mind to read it. When it comes to my friendships I’m almost pitifully earnest. Passive aggression *always* lands right in my sensitive places, even when people don’t mean it to cut as hard as it does.
This year I took out a weed with a massive taproot. It took me two weeks to figure out how to do it without taking myself down to the muck, and months beforehand of wishing the whole process was over. But the relief! My god.