Can you see what’s wrong with my son in this picture?
How about this one?
Still don’t see it? Good. I’m hoping nobody else does either.
He was born almost 4 years ago with a large birthmark on his stomach. Specifically, it’s on the right side of his stomach. It’s rather large and splotchy and ranges from pale pink to reddish depending on the temperature of his skin.
I remember my husband telling me the day our son was born that he had a little birthmark on his stomach. Oh, okay. I secretly was worried about what it looked like and why it was there.
I saw the birthmark and was quite surprised at how large it was. I wondered if I had done something wrong during my pregnancy. I wondered if I had caused this cosmetic flaw. Then I wondered if it was purely cosmetic.
The pediatricians visited and examined my baby. They closely examined his birthmark. I was worried that they would be worried. They said that by age 5, the birthmark would either darken or get lighter and that would be an indication of how it would look long-term.
At every well baby check-up, each new doctor at the practice that we saw closely examined his birthmark. They always asked us the same questions. How long had it been there? Had it gotten any darker? I felt like it was fading and would likely be gone by the time he was 5. That was my hope anyway.
I remember spending the early months after my son was born with my mother’s group. We were all first time moms with babies around the same age. We talked about everything baby when we got together. We took notes. We compared notes.
Then one day, at a friend’s house, my son had a blow-out to end all blow-outs. It required not only a change of clothes but a complete scrub down. I took off my son’s onesie and started to bath him with a washcloth and a bucket.
That’s when one of the other moms noticed. Oh! He has a birthmark on his stomach. I suddenly felt embarrassed. And I felt ashamed for feeling embarrassed. I felt like my baby was flawed and even felt like maybe it was my fault.
Let me be clear. This is my problem. There is nothing wrong with my son. There is nothing wrong with anyone noticing his birthmark. My problem is that I am already projecting my fears and insecurities.
I wasn’t the most popular kid growing up. I didn’t have a boyfriend until college. I never liked the way I looked. I thought I was too fat. I thought my breasts were too big. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough. And kids can be cruel.
I sometimes flash forward my thinking to those awkward adolescent years for my son. I imagine him at the beach or at the pool with his friends. I imagine him feeling embarrassed about his birthmark. I imagine the girls or even the other boys making fun of him. I worry about the cruelty of other kids.
Then I snap back to reality. The mark has faded quite a bit since birth. But truth be told, my son is almost 4 and has never even noticed it. It’s on his own body in a prominent area and he’s never once mentioned it or asked about it.
As children, I would imagine that we all start out feeling good about ourselves. I’m sure some insecurities pop up but for the most part, as kids, we shouldn’t have to even think about that stuff.
The problem isn’t with my son. It’s with the way I feel he might feel about his own body someday. However, I don’t talk about it or mention it. Instead, I’m trying to take cues from him. We are what we are and we look the way we look. If my son needs a reminder of that someday, I’m prepared to give it to him.
25 comments
I can’t even imagine what it would be like to feel that way. Mostly because I don’t have any children. but I can definitely relate the the body image part.. I have always been the curvy girl.. granted, I’ve never been fat per say, but I’m the one with the hips and the big booty. I was so self conscious about it in high school and even now that I am constantly examining every inch of my body trying to figure out how I can make it better or more beautiful.
I can’t even imagine what it will be like when I have children of my own. I just hope I can learn to grow and accept my body so that I can be the best example possible for them.
I couldn’t see your son’s birthmark. All I can see is a beautiful and happy boy. 🙂
I know that personality can make you forget about anything in someone. And also, the lack of a good personality can make the most beautiful person seem ugly. Like you said, I need to set the example of loving thyself.
My son was born with one too. His was called a hemangioma. It’s on his lip. Google that and try not be be horrified. Cause you can’t. It’s basically a fast growing tumor type of “birthmark” For a long time I had to answer questions of what it was. Calling it a birthmark didn’t seem like enough of an explaination. Calling it a hemangioma would probably make people run. I let it go knowing that what was to be was to be. Unless it got to the point where he couldn’t eat. Then I knew action would need to be taken.
When I first met my son, I looked at it and thought about it. Now that he is my whole world, I don’t even think about it. Except for when I sit down to write a post about body image. I still don’t know if it’s a good thing or not when people ask.
Spencer has a mark on the corner of his nostril. I remember noticing it when he was born and worrying about it. No one else seemed to see it. The doctor looked at it and said it was fine, that it might go away, it might not. It has lightened up a bit but when he gets mad, it gets really red. And still? I am the only one that really sees it or worries about it, so I know how you feel. I hope I can learn to let it go and see past it as he gets older.
Wow. I totally understand how you feel. My son was born wth Down Syndrome. He doesn’t have most of the markers, but I can tell he looks diferent. When he was first born, my first thought was that everyone will make fun of him. Now, barely anyone notices. The very things I worried about are the things that the innocent bystanders say are the cutest! And your son is adorable! I never noticed anything, so I’m sure its fine.
Wow – that’s a situation I’ve turned over in my head a million times. Don’t know if you have ever looked at Kelle Hampton’s blog but her Down Syndrome birth story is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read.
He is beautiful! Trust me with a face like that he will have no problems with body image and kids in school. It’s barely noticeable. If you hadn’t mentioned it and put these pictures connected w/another story I would have never known.
It is more noticeable in person but going back through pictures I never really captured it. I’m hoping that my confidence in him will help him overcome anything.
With baby blues like that, and those squishy lips, and what I am guessing, is a killer smile… everyone is going to wish they had a cool birthmark like his.
Whenever I am thinking this way, I turn it around to find someone else that is worse off. Be thankful it is a not a portwine stain across his face or a cleft palate. And really even these things are small compared the trials some children must endure. He is one lucky little guy.
Dana
He is a totally beautiful little boy. Me – the brown eyed, brown-haired mom – still stares in amazement at my blond haired blue eyed man.
It’s amazing how we are drawn to the flaws. Especially in ourselves. I’m already think of a part 2 post for this.
Spencer has a mark on the corner of his nostril. I remember noticing it when he was born and worrying about it. No one else seemed to see it. The doctor looked at it and said it was fine, that it might go away, it might not. It has lightened up a bit but when he gets mad, it gets really red. And still? I am the only one that really sees it or worries about it, so I know how you feel. I hope I can learn to let it go and see past it as he gets older.
Sounds like the exact same kind of thing. I let it go. I don’t really think about it. Except maybe in the summertime and I think about it briefly. But otherwise, he’s my little Evan. It’s just other people that I worry about.
my son has a small birthmark on his forehead too… can barely see it now, only if he’s coughing or hot. I hate how our society sees birthmarks as imperfections instead of something that makes us uniquely beautiful.
it’s hard.
i have a few ‘sun spots” on my legs that look like birthmarks. when i was a child i was so ashamed of them i quite summer swim team. i finally got over it in junior high school and went on to swim in high school too.
you are a great mother for loving and accepting your son just as he is.. beautiful!
He is a beautiful little boy. And since I wrote this, I have an interesting follow up to the story. I’m thinking Wednesday might be part 2!
He’s beautiful, and I totally can’t see anything. Hudson had a mark on the back of her head when she was born and it’s gone now. I hated when people commented on it like she was all birth mark. Totally in my head.
It has long since faded from my mind. I guess my fear is just what other people might someday say to him. Call it mama’s protective instinct.
I totally didn’t even see it. Personally, I have a strawberry mark on one of my legs and I often forget it’s even there. My daughter pointed it out to me the other night and I explained what it was, and then she decided she has a birthmark, too! 🙂 And for the record, when I saw the title of this post I thought you had had a C/S and that’s what you were going to talk about. Oops! He is beautiful!
I literally stared at those two pics trying to see what you were pointing out and only noticed it after you told us what to look for. Barely noticeable…isn’t it interesting though how we create issues surrounding our kids because of societies “f” ups! The world we live in right now is too harsh for kids I have to admit!
He is simply gorgeous! I def. didn’t notice. And you are right- it is your fear. I bet and am hoping that he won’t have it.
I get this. Parenting is so much about our own insecurities. My running joke is “another dollar in the therapy jar”.
Btw, found you via Neil. Loved your song in the concert. xx
Thanks, Juli. So glad you found my blog. So sorry it had to be through my performance on Neil’s blog 🙂
I get this. Parenting is so much about our own insecurities. My running joke is “another dollar in the therapy jar”.
Btw, found you via Neil. Loved your song in the concert. xx
I have a large white area on my stomach – it has no pigment and kind of looked like a white cloud on my skin when I was tan. As a kid in particular, I was the type to worry A LOT about what other people thought of me – but my mom handled this perfectly. She called it my “powder puff”, told me it didn’t have the same color as the rest of my skin, and that was that. I remember kids asking “what’s THAT?” when I had a two piece bathing suit on – but I just said – “It’s my powder puff!” and no one hassled me about it. It is all in the parents’ attitudes!
[…] and I felt frozen with the fear he might be autistic. Or when I looked at his large birthmark and worried about it scarring him for life. Or when I feared that my child would never be as healthy or intelligent as other children because […]